Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 195.7 lbs.

Has anybody else noticed that I haven’t really lost weight in a long time now? Not real weight, anyway. Has anybody else noticed that I have been struggling with concepts of diet and exercise lately as well, and that I am not very focused?

Today I do feel in a little better balance emotionally, for the first time. Although I didn’t do a full work out, I did do 200 reps on the cardio glide, and just feel glad that I am able to think forward a little. I didn’t over indulge as much yesterday, and am trying once again to reel in my habits to something more akin to reasonable, bariatric dietary standards. I also feel better having accomplished a lot of the stupid, day to day stuff that can nag at you and create anxiety when left undone. Yesterday was a productive day, and included a visit to our hospitalized friend, and another to a nearby friend who we had to drop off some things to and see her new cat. We were unable to visit Kris at the psych. center as hoped for, as when I called in the morning as they require, they said that she was too agitated for a visit. Unfortunately, we haven’t seen her in some time, and now when we are finally able to, she is often angry and hurt because she likely feels abandoned by us. Understandably.

We have vague thoughts of trying again today, and possibly visiting our other friend again, as it seems so boring there and we feel badly for her plight. However, we also are expecting a visit from Barb in the afternoon, and have some other tasks to tend to, including 8 million loads of laundry. But at least we aren’t so busy today that we can’t decide how to use our time, and this in an of itself, feels luxourious.

I do hope to use this time to also try and develop a better eating and exercise plan, and perhaps even work out some more later. I have an unfortunate way of prioritizing everyhting else over my workouts, and only seem to feel ok “wasting” my time in the basement, if I am in good shape with everything else first. Do other people do this too? I wish I could see moving my body as as important as other things, like laundry and errands, but I struggle with this a lot, for some reason. I think that I tend to be much more of a cerebral person, and unlike my husband who can abandon all logic to go be physical, I can’t commit to anything physical, unless everything else is in order first. The fact that I probaly have an anxiety/ocd type disorder too, doesn’t help any, although admittedly exercise would probably help channel some of my restless and negative energy better.

Echhh..I’m a study in contradictions, aren’t I?!

So the moral of the story is given how high maintence I am, I do need some time to ponder life and develop better systems, and I have high hopes that I am moving more in this direction again, and can use the freer time I have today, in this endeavor.

If nothing else beckons and distracts me….