Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 195.7 lbs.

So I finally had a whole day to do as I pleased. I could relax, nap, exercise, play, take stock, enjoy.

So what exactly did I do.

Eat. And drink. And watch tv. Day and night.

And eat some more.

I think that I still just feel so weary that I have even lost my ability to be creative with my time, and can hardly function. I know that I am seeking solace and comfort as much as anything, and somehow it seems to be more readily available in the form of carbs, than anything else.

We did go to a few garage sales, I made my necessary check up on people and planning calls, and rearranged a shelf while Tom was at the ballgame. Otherwise, I merely sat, and even must admit that when calls came in, let them go to the answering machine. When I resort to this, it is usually another sign that I am burnt out and people weary, and wish to be left alone and need to refuel.

So, other than the walking we did at a sale or two, I barely moved at all yesterday. And ate enough to warrant a pound weight gain. This mostly consisted of nibbles and crunches of everything I could get my pudgy hands on…ie: popcorn, two Sahlen’s hot dogs through the day, cheese, nuts, and stupid stuff, like olives. I know that this constant eating had nothing to do with real hunger, and that my attempts to quell feelings of anxiety and to soothe my soul, probably didn’t even really work. I can already say that I feel just as weary and agitated already this morning.

A lot of times, I discover that the best remedy for such feelings is actually to do the right thing…kind of like how much better you feel after you just hunker down and begin doing that damn term paper thats been hanging over you for so long. Relief comes from action and countering the impotence associated with feeling resigned. I am thinking that I may just have to pull a “Nike’” here, and “just do it.”

Tomorrow.

Today we have to hit the road running again, as we have many errands to run, and admittedly, a few garage sales to go to. Including one at a friend’s that I spied listed on craigslist, and is advertised as a fundraiser for Haiti. I haven’t seen Nancee in ages, so it is also a good excuse to say “hi!”

After this, we are scheduled to visit Kris at the psychiatric center, and then a friend who is in another hospital nearby. Then, we have to drop off something to a nearby friend at 4:30. This will all make for a long day, and frankly, is a lot of enmotional expenditure once again, and nothing I am overly thrilled about. I think I need a 2nd day of nothingness for recovery purposes, and find myself pining for a few days strung together as one may not be enough.

On the other hand, sseing as what I did with the one, perhaps its a darn good thing I won’t be allowed a repeat today!