Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 295.0 lbs.

…except for when it’s not. Maybe it’s a zebra, or an antelope or a zebu.

Like my good friend’s illness, of mysterious origin and nature that has led to her hospitalization.

We visited her last night and I am sad and stressed by the state of things and the ball of wax that represents the complexity of her physical, emotional and chemical health, intertwined and confusing. She is despondent and anxious, and I am trying hard to be a voice of reason and optimism, but it is hard. Inside I am overwhelmed by the enormity of the problem and of her needs. And am trying hard to be present for her and for her sister, who is languishing under the pressure as well.

I only hope that I have something to offer, or that what I can do, is helpful. I tend to feel impotent in the face of such demons, and I don’t do impotent well. I eat…!

Like I eat under stress or pressure or when anxious. Which lately, seems like always! Which is probably why I gained, and continue to feel like I am spinning in the wind rather that the keeper of my own choices and destiny. As I had hoped.

Yesterday I had an incredibly frustrating and taxing day at work, and had to leave abruptly with much undone, to ensure enough evening time for the above visit and other tasks related and unrelated to this. I was grumpy and irritable from stress, and angry with dear hubby who decided to himself prioritize his exercise regime over all other things, leaving errands undone and the like. Basically, he decided to walk back from work after his a.m. shift, leaving his car miles away, and then walk back to retreive it for his afternoon shift. He was actually going to bike back, but when I called from work to remind him about the errands (which he couldn’t run w/o a car!), he said that he was gonna bike back, and I told him I’d flatten his tires if he did!. I actually said this! The route from our house to his job couldn’t be more trafficy and dangerous, especially now that there is serious construction taking place. And he wanted to bike these miles just to kick up his exercise regime? Needless to say he chose to walk back instead, although I wasn’t thrilled about the whole idea period, as I was angry that he blew off what needed to get done to move his body, and that I feel I can’t even do a 30 minute stint in the basement, as there is too much else to tend to. So between his timing, disregard of necessary tasks at a time when I feel my back is most against the wall and I need his help, and my sense of frustration and martyrdom, he was in the doghouse. (Although I did let him out this morning!)

I am glad that the coast seems clear this evening, although I am long overdue in talking with my out of town friend who is due for a 2 week visit starting in a week. I am still uncertain as to the details of her trip, and need to nail these down to ensure that we fit her in and such. I am glad it isn’t this weekend that she is arriving, as we have promised to visit my hospitalized friend and at least for now, I want to be there for her as much as possible. Its hard to know how much longer she will be there or what course things will take, so I feel its best to be as on top of things as I can.

Before heading there last night, Tom and I ate out, which we rarely do these days. We now typically only do this when with company or on special occassions. But yesterday we hit the road running as soon as we both got home, and went to Old Country Buffet for a quick feast. I chose broiled fish and some salad, although did cheat on a few baked beans and some chicken noodle soup (comfort food!). And then I blew it altogether by slurping an icee for “dessert!”

It has been just like this all week. A mixture of “good” and “bad” - discipline followed by indulgence. Stress eating and following no real plan. Having a decent day, and then blowing it over a silly snack or an unplanned dinner. Sabotage? Anxiety? Stress? Time constraints? All of the above?

Whatever. I am clearly not losing here, and must take stock. But when? And how? This applies to exercise too. Unlike Tom, I haven’t done formal exercise in a week or so now, and have a hard time prioritizing this when there is so much else going on. As if it will detract from whatever else I must tend to.

Clearly I still need to find my way, and unlike a recent comment from Debra in which she finds comfort and familiarity in following a strict routine, ESPECIALLY in times of stress, I only become that much more of a mess.

Probably because I never learned and solidified a way of doing and being that is healthy and second nature, in the first place.

…and I’m worried about my zebra friends…! (While I am busy being a caribou!)