Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 194.6 lbs.

I actually slept long and hard last night, and I feel balanced and human so far today, as a result. One should never underestimate the importance of sleep for phyxical and emotional well being, and clearly I have been needing some for a while. I probably could have slept even longer, but Tom was instructed to wake me at 6:00 before he left for work, as I have an early appointment with the sleep apnea doctor this morning. Speaking of sleep….

I am actually not sure why I need to go other than that they said I had to. I seem to be doing just fine with my apnea machine as it is, when I actually am able to sleep, that is. And since we no longer have insurance coverage for routine or preventative matters, I always resent the need to placate doctors this way. I wasn’t even asked to bring in my machine, so its not like they are evaluating my numbers or anything. On the phone they said I had better come or they could stop approving me for supplies (like new rubber masks and such which I receive every 6 months).

I would love to no longer rely on them and this machine to breathe properly at night, and wish the weight that I have lost thus far translated into this. I don’t really understand how at this weight going up, I apparently didn’t have apnea (or at least was blissfully unaware of it, if I did), while I still do and have been told I likely now will forever, while losing. I think maybe it was Debra who said that only if one loses down to skinny, is there hope that they may no longer have apnea. And obviously this isn’t happening on this end anytime soon. Although I must admit that if anything motivates me right now, this does. I would love to no longer be reliant on equipment and doctors one more way. I am still loving being off all my meds, and the freedom from constant doctor appointments that this affords me.

Speaking of which, I got a big shipment of Celebrate vitamins in yesterday, and am thrilled to be good to go for another three months. This should take me right up until my summertime blood work-up, and I am still eager to see how I am doing. Under most circumstances (ie: when I am not pushing past my limits exertion and sleep wise), I feel well and good, and hope that this means I am ok on the inside too. I expect that the bariatric center will send out an order for blood work in June or so, as I was last told that I should return for follow up with them in July, and we would review everything then. I can’t believe that I will be coming up to my 14 month mark then, and feel I better pick up more speed on my weight loss as I am certain to be losing any bariatric advantage I may have left, soon.

I guess that I have been dragging my feet on being disciplined and choosing and sticking with a solid action plan, and still need to wrap myself solidly around this. In case you haven’t noticed, I keep getting side tracked and even making excuses (albeit good ones!). I am losing ever so slowly as a result, and if I averaged, I think it might come out to only like a pound a week or something. Surely in the 13th month, people are typically still losing better than this when there is yet much to go. At some point, I’ll look into this more, and try to reinfuse myself with some bariatric wisdom. Also, Tom announced this morning that he is now down to 193, and I can’t have him beating me either!

So, I am hopeful once again that with the balance and perspective that a good night’s sleep brings, that I can move forward more sanely once again, and have a more “normal” week lifestyle and focus wise. Although I do know that I’ve said this before, and it doesn’t always last. Because it seems that I’m never sure if I am running my own life, or it is running me.

Whcih the good news about is that no one can accuse me of being lazy or idle, not having friends or a social life, or wasting away. And as I lose even more and can be more active, confident and social, I only wonder how much MORE hectic things can become!

 Eeeekkkk!