Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 196.1 lbs.

I am a hovering mess, with my weight apparently refusing to budge down into a more exciting number. Interestingly, last night, I weighed myself just before a light dinner, and weighed “only” 196.4, making me think that this morning I would be less. I must have eaten a 2 lb. dinner or something, because obviously I didn’t drop the usual 2 lbs. that one loses when they sleep or else I gained 2 lbs. from dinner before losing some from my beauty rest. Perhaps this is normal and a result of rehydrating myself after work, but I was all geared up for some excitement this morning.

Sigh…there’s always tomorrow.

And speaking of sleep, I had vivid and wierd dreams last night, including one thematic for a large fish that it was my job to care for, and that I left without water in a bathtub instead. I was angst ridden about how to tend to this massive creature, and plopped it into a stand alone tub with every intention of caring for it, but just didn’t know what to do. I watched it gasp and repeatedly move its big fish mouth trying to breathe, before I got the brilliant idea to bring it some water. Duh!!

From that point forward, I was exhilirated with a sense that I could be helpful after all, and had a plan. I needn’t sit by and watch the poor thing flounder (no pun intended!). I ran off to find buckets to fill, and kept a good pace as it took a lot to fill the tub past its mouth and all.

Although the dream had no real ending (or plot, really), I do believe it may symbolize the impotence and worry and responsibility I feel towards a friend who is also floundering right now. I have been unsure how to be of help and support to her, and feel she may be drowning before my eyes. I wish I felt the same degree of empowerment I finally felt at dream’s end, in real life, but I did end the evening with some ideas I do hope to share with her soon that I hope may be of some help. Perhaps these revelations mirror those about providing sustenence in the form of water, in my dream. I hope it goes as well in real life, and wish it were this simple.

Tonight another friend is due over for dinner, and it has been a long time since either of us have had any free time to get together in such a way. I will be glad for the chance to catch up and schmooze. Tom and I also have to load the van up with everything left in the garage so that I can drive it over to the charity garage sale bright and early on Friday morning. We have to do this today as straight from work tomorrow night is the Compeer Appreciation Banquet, and he is picking me up from work in my unloaded car and with his Compeer in tow, and we won’t have time to load up then.

We are heading into another patch of busy days and nights, and although I can enjoy such a pace, I’d also like a better run of time “off” on occassion. My new DVR is already nearly full to capacity from taping shows that I’d rather be watching, and in my ocd-ness, I can’t erase them off the darn machine until I have seen each and every episode of whatever it is I watch. I think I need to take a week off to catch up just on this, as pathetic as this may sound! How else am I to know who’s winning American Idol or whether House has had another breakdown yet?!

Well, such is my existence and mindset. I do continue to be “normal” about food, and consider my choices to be decent and moderate in general. I had my usual eggy breakfast, cheese sticks and nut snacks/lunch at work, and avacado/wheat cracker “dinner.”   I actually wasn’t hungry in the evening and know that there is practically no protein value to what I chose, but I only wanted to nibble and needed to eat the last half of an avacado I had started two days ago. Usually I eat a more hearty and protein intensive dinner, but actually was glad to eat so little overall, without feeling undue hunger.

Lastly,  Tom reported that his weight has crept back down to 194, so once again he is below me and my goal to be less than him has been sabotaged, so I had beeter get on the ball here!

And don’t you hate it when men who eat whatever they want with no regard to anything I’ve ever written about here diet wise, lose without even trying?!

 I’ll show him!