Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 195.9 lbs.

I have now met one of my goals and although quite pathetic actually, I am happy! I now weigh the same as my husband, and should pass him any minute!!

I told you it would be pathetic! Tom accused me of fattening him back up from 191 to 196 in an evil plot just to weigh less…but I say that he did this all by himself. Although the leftover pizza from my group that I brought back to his delight and that that he ate with gusto last night, although not part of any plan, couldn’t have helped his cause any!

Although I haven’t been 100% good either, truth be told. If you really think that I didn’t at least try the pizza, then you haven’t heard a word I’ve written here. Clearly I am no Debra or pillar of will power and fortitude, and when faced with lifes challenges, I eat them!

I didn’t go too overboard…but I don’t think pizza and a few pretzels…oh, and a cookie, are on any bariatric diet I have heard of. Except the one that says its ok to “taste” or eat everything in moderation or not deny yourself things entirely lest you crave them more. I rather like this concept…however so flawed and cheaty it may be. And for yesterday, it “worked” for me, and I must say that it doesn’t appear to have done any permanent damage (yet?) to my weight or well being.

Just the same, I’m not (that) stupid, and I never intend to eat and live like this really, and generally shun such foods for the most part. I am well stocked with the usual assortment of healthy protein items today, and feel no pangs or twinges at the idea of shunning the carbs more effectively today. I never promise that this will last beyond the day or even moment that I am in, but I do feel as if my overall attitude about food and diet has shifted into a more calm place where I am able to be realistic and pragmatic, and not kill myself every time I am not perfect. I used to, and all this seemed to do was make me feel bad, as clearly it never eliminated the cheats all together or served any useful purpose. Now I allow myself to be somewhat flawed, while doing the best I otherwise can MOST times, and I must say that I feel less deprived, less anxious, less remorseful and guilty, and less focused on food, as a result. This may sound like heresy to those of more discipline or regimentation, but for me, it lessens the obsessiveness associated with every bite, where I am going, and how I am doing. Taking this pressure off has allowed me to approach food in a more rationale and realistic manner, keep my eye on the bigger picture and not every bite, and just live like a relatively normal human being. And, I continue to creep down weight wise, despite this actually mattering less to me than before when every ounce was vital and I set my mood according to the scale and whatever morsels crossed my lips. I feel more liberated and healthy with my new way of thinking and being, and I wonder if my posts reflect this shift. To me, I no longer focus as much on everything bariatric or get my panties in a knot about food, and when I reread old posts, it reminds me of how worked up I always was about everything related to this journey.

I hope that I’m not actually in denial or making excuses for my choices…and worry that it may sound as if I am. I just don’t feel it this time…as god only knows, I’ve been there before too and despite being a therapist myself, can also be the queen of dysfunction and defense mechanisms.

But, I defer to others thoughts and opinions here, and value feedback should one be so inclined. Has anyone else experienced what I am describing, and perhaps moved into a phase after a while, like this? Is it more about acceptance and calm regarding food, or is it about relaxing one’s standards and a possible slippery slope to disaster? I even wonder if it may be a normal and expectable transition in one’s second bariatric year or so.

Well, whatever this all may be, for the moment, I am content in this realm and doing my ever so imperfect thing and feeling “normal”….and for me, this is rare and precious indeed!!