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Weight: 194.7 lbs.
I am so off track I may as well not have even had surgery! I spent all yesterday eating whatever, whenever. It all started with the brunch. When we arrived at Pete’s after 10:00. he had left to watch a race down the street, and wasn’t even home. And as usual, his house wasn’t set up, meaning that those of us who arrived starving and hoping to eat soon, had no choice but to clear spaces, set up furniture and cook the food, if we hoped to eat! Debbie and I in particular were so hungry (and annoyed!) that we decided to toast and eat a bagel while we worked, rather than wait for all 8 of us to be settled and all the food to be done. I have never resorted to this before, nor have I started a meal with a pure and bad carb choice, but gave up the ship early when it was apparent that it was this or starve until Pete returned and everything was done.
Note to self…arrive even later for future commitments at Petes!! And don’t arrive famished!
Anyway, once the tables and chairs and food were up and available, the porch eaten brunch was nice, and there were many more delicacies to accompany that darn bagel. So at least I got some belated protein in as well. And lots of talk, coffee, laughter and visiting.
On the way home, Tom and I spoke of how weary we felt, and our desire to have a “calgon take me away” time at the casino. As Sue et. al. were doing other things the rest of the day and it was only 1:00, we fantasized about going to the air conditioned casino and abandoning all responsibility, for the rest of the day. But, alas, I had tons of shopping in prep for today to do, and Tom had to trim the bushes and other stuff so our yard isn’t too shaggy for guests.
We went to three stores and spent nearly $100 on Memorial day food for 100 (even though only like 20 are actually coming!). I got all the usual crap, plus some lucious looking strawberries, melons and blueberries that we then cleaned and cut up and have put in nice bowls, already ready for munching on. And of course, I started early not just on this, but on other stuff there is clearly too much of. We ended up nibbling and munching while prepping, and then in front of an old movie. While we did 4 loads of laundry.
And THEN went to the casino! At like 6:30.
We stayed until about 9:30, and saw a bored and snotty looking young woman, competing with thousands, win the $30,000 car drawing. You’d think they could have drawn a more enthusiastic looking winner…like me!
Anyway, as we only had little money, we set a firm limit on playing, divvied up, and set off to our favorite quarter machines. And I won and won and won!
I mostly played a machine called Bonus Times where sevens and cherries and bars can get multiplied by 2x, 5x and/or 10x. If you get a mixture of the three, it pays 1,000 quarters. If you get three 10’s, it pays 10,000 quarters. Three 5’s pays 2,500 quarters, and three 2’s pays 1,600 quarters (or $400).
Moments into playing, I got two times ten times double bar, which was 400 quarters or a hundred dollars. I used some of this money to then get the three 5’s for 2,500 quarters, drawing quite a crowd. Moments later I hit the three two’s! I’ve never gotten the three fives before, and now I got them and the twos! And then I got the three two’s again!!! Several people, mostly oriental, were watching and rubbing me and bringing over relatives and I suppose telling them all about it (as I couldn’t understand a word!) One woman just sat right down next to me, and watched me for the remainder of the time I stayed on this machine.
After the meter started to creep down and I figured I had already set some kind of record, I moved to another machine of same type, and immediately hit for 5 x 5 x triple bar, or 750 quarters.
And grabbed Tom, and went home!! Richer, I might add!
I am especially happy as there are two charity events I would like to use some cash for this week, and now won’t have to scrimp as much. Not to mention that our air is still out and needing fixing.
We are also in the process of a dispute with the company who installed it and soon the manufacturer (Heil), as the core rusted out and leaks after just 1 1/2 (Buffalo!) summers of use, and this is ridiculous. The company who installed (Zenner and Ritter) have not been willing or able to give us an estimate on labor to replace it, and have been rude and nasty when asked. We are not sure if it will cost $50 or $1,000, but either way, we are angry to have to be in this situation or to have to pay anything (only parts is still covered by warranty).
So, I guess the moral of the casino story may be “easy come, easy go”….but not if I can help it.
And soon I will need to fight as hard so my weight also stops creeping up, and I am as good an advocate for my health, as I am for our money.
Eeeepp…or not!
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Weight: 194.4 lbs.
Me so tired! Considering that Tom and I usually go to bed by 9:00, the toll of late nights in a row combined with the need for sustained social energy, has made me exhausted. Tom is too, but moreso in a physical sense. I feel it both physically and mentally, and am craving a day of nothingness. But, this is not to be had, as brunch is at 10:00 at Pete’s, and several friends are due to join Sue and Larry and Pete and Debbie etc. And the fact that there will be food to feed a small nation, is a good or bad thing, depending what your perspective.
Last night was Pete’s play at Kleinhans (The Music Man), and it was a nice, but very late night.(Kudos Pete, you and your kronies did a great job!) And, not only did we go for dinner beforehand, but Pete invited us to the friend’s and family reception afterwards, where I must admit I nibbled on some cookies, and two cups of coffee. At like 10:30 pm!
Later today I have to grocery shop for a complete bbq spread to be held here tomorrow. I am not really sure even how many are coming, as some have not gotten back to me yet. I also have lost count of who all has been invited, so the turn out should be interesting. I guess that I will buy the usual stuff enough to feed a small country, and between this and whatever anyone brings, I doubt that anyone will go hungry.
More likely, I will eat my way through this long, hedonistic, people and fun filled weekend, and not look back until June. Which is my birthday month, and equally as filled with merriment and gatherings.
God I am screwed!!!
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Weight: 194.0 lbs.
How I managed to lose weight is beyond me. Sue and Larry didn’t make it over to our house until after 7:30 last night, meaning that by the time we made it to dinner and our food arrived, it was already past Tom’s typical bedtime. And my theoretical cut-off for eating. And, as I was whipped into a ravenous state by then (despite my earlier snacks), I ordered and ate a whole bowl of French Onion Soup. And, then chili and half a tuna sandwich. I ate some of the sandwich and only bites of the fatty, cheesy chili…but still, what a high calorie and fat meal unlike those I usually allow. Not to mention that the sodium count was probably through the roof, and I went to bed with it all in my tummy, just hours later.
New revelation! I could probably actually be skinny by now if I actually ate well!
Anyway, it was good to catch up with Sue and Larry, and we will be doing much more of this in the days to come as well. Today promises to be busy from start to late finish, but I am up early and full of good summertime energy, so am looking forward to it all. I am also surprised though that I slept ok, not just given the gut o’ crap, but because last night I started on the c-pap titration machine, and it was rather distasteful and unconfortable. First off, they dropped it off yesterday while I was at work, and Tom swears that they left no verbal instructions as to how to operate it. And it is quite different than my usual machine, so it took some doing to even figure out how to turn it on. I may have changed the pressure in the process, as I resorted to hitting random buttons before I figured it out.
Then, I noticed that the machine smelled of stale smoke…rather like a cheap motel room vacated by 100 previous smokers, may smell. Musty and cigarettey. As a staunch non smoker, I found the odor blowing through the machine and into my lungs, repulsive and disconcerting. I can’t even imagine why this would be so, but wonder as they lend it out on a weekly basis, if in fact smokers contaminated it somehow. Although this sounds odd, even to me.
Lastly, it blew too much air on/in me at first, and I felt like it was coming out my ears. Eventually I must have passed out from exhaustion and woke up ok this morning, but I am not looking forward to a whole week with this machine.
On the other hand, I will be run so ragged from our social life this next week, that I could probably sleep like a baby with two lit cigarettes straight up my nose, and not flinch. Perhaps there’s something to be said for this pace after all!
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Weight: 194.6 lbs.
Well, not really wine and roses…how about a catered chicken lunch and the developmentally disabled. Which was as fulfilling and inspiring and meaningful as wine and roses ever were. I had a wonderful time at the Convention Center doings yesterday, seeing so many people I knew, working the crowd, raking in some awesome performances by folks with disabilities, sneaking into a workshop and loving it, hearing speeches, and then ending the day way later than I had imagined I would just because I was having such a good time. I got there at 8:30 am and left at 6:00 pm, staying the last two hours to enjoy the Aspire band called Universal Mind, who are an amazingly talented group of developmentally disabled individuals who peform with such heart and energy it brings tears to your eyes. And, although I have heard them many times, I had a front row seat as the crowd had trickled off, and I felt as priviledged as any fan to be able to hear and see them so well. And like always, they blew it out of the water, and those of us left which included several of my clients who were so happy to see me, had a blast.
Then, since I was passing the hospital where my friend remains on the way home and just minutes into visiting hours, I pulled into the lot and called her sister to see if she could see me today, and she was grateful as she lives so far away and was running late, and didn’t want her sister to be alone as she was having a bad day. I ended up staying much longer than intended, and didn’t get home until about 8:00. Exhausted, but content. And hungry, despite (or perhaps because of) the amazing food the event fed me.
At the catered luncheon, I had the fanciest chicken, asparagus, sweet potato and cheese filled tomato thingy I have ever eaten. And it was all yummy!! I also ate the salad which even others at my table commented was the most extraordinary mix of veggies and fruits, delightfully aranged and fancy. Oh, and the best piece of chocolate cake, all dolled up with a strawberry the size of Houston and other fancy extras! I was so stuffed from the main meal, I only ate two bites (which is how it should be anyway!!), but they are bites I will never forget. Just heavenly!
And after the formal venue ended, they had the reception that included the band, and wings and cheese and veggie platters etc. I gathered up a plate, nibbled on a wing and a half and some cheese and a few crackers, but discarded the rest. It was all still too fatty and such, and I am sure that I should have set firmer limits on myself. But oh, what amazing food and a good time to eat them in…!
So, today my soul feels rejuvinated. albeit a little people weary. I have a meeting or two with my bosses at work and lots of month end work to do. Plus, I have to make up for being “off” yesterday, work and money wise. Lately we have been getting extraordinary bills and charges for everything from repair jobs to IRS “audits” to relicensing of cars and selves to medical to credit card payoffs, so it had been more of a crunch than usual. Plus, Sue is due up and staying here for nearly 2 weeks, and we always do a lot more eating out and entertaining in this time. In fact, she and her boyfriend are doing a late (7:00) dinner with us tonight, then we all have tix to see Pete in the Music Man tomorrow night (with another dinner beforehand), then brunch at Pete’s on Sunday, and a Memorial Day bbq here on Monday. Which I haven’t shopped one stitch for yet, but I’m sure will include much typical “crap” as I am no chef and not very inspired when left to pick up items for a picnic. I’m not even sure who all is coming, as frankly I hadn’t given Monday a thought yet, and other than happening to invite Rose last week when we saw her, don’t believe that anyone other than Sue and Pete even know we will be having it. And I’m not sure where I will have time to reach out to everyone else to ask, between now and then. If you are a local friend of mine and read here, please consider yourself invited, and I hope to see you here!!! At 1:00…? (I just made this up!)
Lastly, our friend continues to be troubled and languishing in the hospital, and we all have tentative plans if she remains over the weekend, to visit her during earlier visiting hours on Saturday. Which I am glad about, as otherwise given our recreational schedule, we wouldn’t see her for several straight days, and I would feel worried that she was having enough visitors and about how she was faring.
But, it is clearly coming up to crunch time once again, although perhaps I could argue that it never stopped. I feel blessed to have such good friends and an active social life and all, but sometimes wish to be a hermit for the solitude it must afford.
And, I am sure that it would be a whole lot easier to control what I put in my mouth if left alone and not tempted by the people and places I am enjoying at the time. On the other hand, this would be a sad and lonely way to be skinny, and I think I’ll take it the way it is!
And who knows, maybe someday I’ll even learn how to have it all while still minding my diet and making good choices despite all temptation.
Someday….
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Weight: 194.3 lbs.
Well, I mananged to not gain from the pizza buffet (or so it seems), although I am not losing real weight either. I am entering a period in which food is going to be coming into fuller focus, given the arrival of my childhood friend and her boyfriend tomorrow. Whe she is in town, we tend to do things like eat out a lot more, and this time will include a Memorial Day BBQ that we are sponsorong at our house. Not that I don’t have control over portions and choices - its just that there is more eating to do, including at some of the places Sue usually likes to go to, like Duffs for chicken wings.
It is a good thing that my metabolism (or whatever) feels like it has revved back into orbit. Not only so I can keep the pace, but perhaps so that it gives me a calorie burning edge.
Today I am already rushing and manic, as it is Developmental Disability Awareness Day and I am due to spend the day downtown paticipating in workshops and events that emphasize issues pertaining to the population that I work with. Most of my clients and their support staff, and professionals in the field, will all be there, and it can be a very stimulating and interesting experience. The keynore speaker is Rachel Simon who wrote the book: “Riding The Bus With My Sister”, and as I loved the book and movie (starring Rosie O’Donnell as the disabled sister), I am very excited to hear her speak.
I have ordered the chicken option for the catered luncheon, and this should be a decent bet, I hope.
Last night, Tom and I ate our dinners at record speed as we visited our hospitalized friend, and given the crunch between when we got home from work and when we had to be there, there was not enough time to eat ot think properly first. I guess this was good for my overall diet, as not only did I eat less due to time constraints, but I never had an evening snack, as there was no evening.
Also yesterday, the AC people did come to diagnose our problem, and I learned that our nearly new coil is already leaking and has lost its charge, and must be replaced. Not that I understand a thing I just said…except the part about the cost for labor and yesterday’s service call, which are not covered under our warranty. All of which makes me mad and question the quality of the product we only a few years ago had installed. And, I’m still hot as it’s going to take who knows how long for the parts to come in.
Plus, in yesterday’s mail, we got an IRS audit notice, as apparently in 2008 we did not report interest on an on-line bank account we held briefly at that time. They are now charging us this plus interest…and its not just that we owe, its the confusion generated by how this escaped our awareness, whether our accountant who does our taxes has any liability or should be involved, and whether this opens us up for greater scrutiny in the near future.
Ack…I hate these kinds of things!
Anyway, I am feeling like I ate crystal meth for breakfast…and should make for interesting company downtown today. I am off to drive or catch a bus or ride the subway (I haven’t decided which, or even how yet, so better get moving and at least develop a plan!)
And needless to say I got no formal exercise in during this time…but am hoping that functioning at the speed of light, may count for something!
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Weight: 194.7 lbs.
I am actually surprised that I didn’t gain weight given yesterdays indulgences, although the extra pounds may be lurking below the surface and show up in tomorrow’s weigh-in instead.
I was a baaaaddd girl. There was a grand opening of Toni Pepperoni’s pizza buffet just down the street from us on Monday, and this was advertised along with coupons in our local paper, whipping Tom and I into a pizza frenzy. The price for all you could eat, with coupon, was just $3.99 (and $6.25 without). Anyway, this establishment used to exist about 20 minutes from us, which was bad enough. But now they had the audacity to move a mile away, and into a bigger, brighter, better place that holds even more hot pans o’ food.
And what a spread there is! A billion varieties of pizza, salads of all kinds, three types of chicken nuggets (plain, hot and bbq), hot pastas of several varieties, and more. I can feel my arteries clogging just remembering it all. Fondly; unfortunately.
I took a lot, but ate just bits and bites to taste…although this is bad enough, considering that other than the salad, there is little redeeming value to any of their choices.
But god it was good! And I have no excuses, apologies or even remorse today…surprisingly. I have decided that I am far from perfect, and thems the breaks. As long as I don’t go back again like tomorrow. Or sooner.
In other news, and possibly why I didn’t gain, our central air has pooped out, and its hotter than hades in our house. We are having an unusually tropical May, and our little ranch holds heat like a steam cooker. It was like sleeping in a sauna last night. We discovered that our (less than three year old!) system had died when the thermostat refused to budge past 80 two days ago, and after running for 10 straight hours.
Now the air in both the house AND Tom’s car have died, and we are destined to live hotly until things are fixed. Tom made an appointment for the car, but not until late June when he is off work. And the company that services our house was unsure when they could fit us in, as they are being innundated with work as probably everyone discovers similar problems or people are rushing to install, as the season starts off.
I am not a happy hot person…although more tolerant of it being slimmer by over 100 lbs. I am still sweaty and uncomfortable though, and its not even 7 am yet. I will at least be happy to be at my air conditioned office today…which adds a new twist to liking my job.
Clearly I could never live in Texas or anything. Or Bermuda. Well, ok, maybe Bermuda.
So, that is my life as a hot, still fat and addicted carb loving, pizza craving mess. With optimism and hope for eventual transformation and redemption (and coolness) nonetheless, and a pragmatic eye on the big picture, human imperfection, and the philosophy of time.
For right or wrong, and for now, anyway.
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Weight: 194.7 lbs.
We have ants in the house as we do every late spring. Despite our efforts to erradicate them. There was an especially yucky one in the bathroom late last night, and as I didn’t have the heart or the guzumbas to squash it, I let it roam and hoped it might find its way out by morning.
When I went to take my bath this morning, much to my relief, there was no sign of him. I assumed that he found a crack or crevice to crawl into, or perhaps had joined his friends in other parts of the house by now. Not a pretty thought, but preferable to my squishing him, which I have a terrible aversion to. Usually I scream like a banshee and Tom comes and does the dirty work. I guess that I am a murderer by proxy.
Anyway, I got in the tub for a relaxing soak, and couldn’t help but notice a big black speck in my open bottle of strawberry shake body wash. I have this along with other bath products in one of those corner containers on the edge of the tub. This is a particularily lucious concoctation that looks and smells like a shake.
Anyway, as you’ve probably already guessed, that darn ant commited strawberry suicide by exerting what must have been significant effort to work its way not only into the corner rack, but up the side of and then into the bath wash. By the time I tweezered it out of the creamy goo, it was long gone. With a smile on its unsuspecting face. Disgusting!
But, if I were an ant, this would probably be me! At times I must resist the urge to drink this milkshake scented concoction, along with its counterpart, “chocolate milkshake’” Either I must stop bathing and spraying on food flavored products, or I’ve got to get a grip. Obviously these are realistically scented enough to fool an ant…and clearly my brain isn’t that much bigger. I have had fits of such ravenous hunger and wierd cravings at times, that I worry if I am any different than before surgery. And I guess one could say that I too am commiting suicide by food. Although much more slowly. If carbs count as suicide, and I believe by today’s research, they do.
Yesterday I had a so-so day, whereby I ate high protein foods (chicken, cheese, eggs) as my staples. However, I also keep finding myself nibbling between meals, and yesterday this included nuts, blueberries (yum!!), and raisin bran out of the box. These are not inherently horrible choices I suppose, but excessive amounts of calories that are keeping me relatively stalled, and more carbed up and hungry. I am glad that for the most part we don’t have horrible foods (ie: white starch, other than Tom’s pasta) in the house for me to grab, as I know that my ant like will is such that I would probably reach for these first if they were readily available. This is perhaps the only limit I impose more often than not. The others I seem to be far more capricious about, and still have not found a consistent way with.
But, given some time to ponder things, catch up on some net info., reset my brain and think forward, I am still in a little better shape than before when I was spinning in the wind to a greater degree.
Although clearly like my little ant counterpart, I am sure that I can still easily be seduced by tasty temptations, even those blatantly murderous to my body and mission. By plunging headfirst into whatever looks and smells as alluring as a false milkshake did to an unsuspecting ant.
Sigh.
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Weight: 194.9 lbs.
I woke up this morning feeling very fortunate about my life and the chances for redemption that I have been afforded. Despite myself, I am decently healthy, sane and in a good place all around. I am happily married to a wonderful man who is caring and kind, have many wonderful friends, and a decent lifestyle. I have a good job that I have been at for over 15 years and feel competent and worthy doing. Tom also likes what he does, and although not rich, we have enough to be content, pay our bills and play at times. (Although Suze Orman would probably disagree!)
Although I bellyache at times, life is generally paced ok, and we manage to juggle all that we have on our plates, including volunteer work and a very active social life.
I still really don’t know how people can add kids to the equation and stay sane, and am glad to never have had a maternal hankering such that I miss having not having tried this out for myself. Cats are about all that I can handle, and ours are plenty needy and affectionate to fill any voids I may have in this area.
What is helping me appreciate my own life so much more lately, is the many tragedies, difficulties, struggles and set- backs of so many that I know and care about. Many of my friends live with chronic stresses from job related to financial to medical to emotional. Some are in acute distress, and are simply struggling to survive. Last night I had a long talk with friends who had to cancel tonight’s dinner plans with us, as their cat “broke out” of their house on Wednesday, and has been running their neighborhood since. They are besides themselves with worry, and have made over 500 fliers, plastered the neighborhood with them, gone door to door, set out safe traps, placed ads, and generally spent countless hours in search of their lost baby. As they are huge volunteers in Ten Lives Cat Shelter, and love cats enough to have 13 of them, this is especially painful for them.
I feel so bad for their plight and am now also worried for the well being of their kitty, as they live in a busy residential area. We also got talking in general about the stresses and hardships of life, and it is amazing that anyone manages to hold it together in this day and age. Their backs were already up against the wall with everyday difficulties, as are most people that I know. It just seems that everyone talks like this these days, and it is hard to tell if life is changing under current hard times, or if I am just becoming more aware as I get older. Or if I just happen to be surrounded by people who are feeling it.
I do feel sad, worried and weighed down by my friends burdens, and it is hard to feel truly good about one’s own fortunes when everyone else seems to be suffering so. Tom and I try to give back what we can, and offer our support and help whenever possible. But in the face of many unsolvable things, often I just end up feeling impotent and anxious, as there is really little to offer. Except support and caring.
So today, this is where my head is, and I am going to take a hiatus from my measely complaints, and count my blessings. From a very difficult childhood in which I was never sure I’d survive, and often didn’t want to, I have risen to a good place where other than the trauma surrounding me and on a global level, the microcosm of my world is good. And given this, I am compelled to help when and where I can - reinforcing my own strength and capability, and reminding me to manage my own minor issues more effectively. And to look past my own nose to the needs of others. Because if weight concerns and everyday ya ya is all that I really have on my plate, I am fortunate indeed!!!!
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Weight: 195.7 lbs.
Has anybody else noticed that I haven’t really lost weight in a long time now? Not real weight, anyway. Has anybody else noticed that I have been struggling with concepts of diet and exercise lately as well, and that I am not very focused?
Today I do feel in a little better balance emotionally, for the first time. Although I didn’t do a full work out, I did do 200 reps on the cardio glide, and just feel glad that I am able to think forward a little. I didn’t over indulge as much yesterday, and am trying once again to reel in my habits to something more akin to reasonable, bariatric dietary standards. I also feel better having accomplished a lot of the stupid, day to day stuff that can nag at you and create anxiety when left undone. Yesterday was a productive day, and included a visit to our hospitalized friend, and another to a nearby friend who we had to drop off some things to and see her new cat. We were unable to visit Kris at the psych. center as hoped for, as when I called in the morning as they require, they said that she was too agitated for a visit. Unfortunately, we haven’t seen her in some time, and now when we are finally able to, she is often angry and hurt because she likely feels abandoned by us. Understandably.
We have vague thoughts of trying again today, and possibly visiting our other friend again, as it seems so boring there and we feel badly for her plight. However, we also are expecting a visit from Barb in the afternoon, and have some other tasks to tend to, including 8 million loads of laundry. But at least we aren’t so busy today that we can’t decide how to use our time, and this in an of itself, feels luxourious.
I do hope to use this time to also try and develop a better eating and exercise plan, and perhaps even work out some more later. I have an unfortunate way of prioritizing everyhting else over my workouts, and only seem to feel ok “wasting” my time in the basement, if I am in good shape with everything else first. Do other people do this too? I wish I could see moving my body as as important as other things, like laundry and errands, but I struggle with this a lot, for some reason. I think that I tend to be much more of a cerebral person, and unlike my husband who can abandon all logic to go be physical, I can’t commit to anything physical, unless everything else is in order first. The fact that I probaly have an anxiety/ocd type disorder too, doesn’t help any, although admittedly exercise would probably help channel some of my restless and negative energy better.
Echhh..I’m a study in contradictions, aren’t I?!
So the moral of the story is given how high maintence I am, I do need some time to ponder life and develop better systems, and I have high hopes that I am moving more in this direction again, and can use the freer time I have today, in this endeavor.
If nothing else beckons and distracts me….
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Weight: 195.7 lbs.
So I finally had a whole day to do as I pleased. I could relax, nap, exercise, play, take stock, enjoy.
So what exactly did I do.
Eat. And drink. And watch tv. Day and night.
And eat some more.
I think that I still just feel so weary that I have even lost my ability to be creative with my time, and can hardly function. I know that I am seeking solace and comfort as much as anything, and somehow it seems to be more readily available in the form of carbs, than anything else.
We did go to a few garage sales, I made my necessary check up on people and planning calls, and rearranged a shelf while Tom was at the ballgame. Otherwise, I merely sat, and even must admit that when calls came in, let them go to the answering machine. When I resort to this, it is usually another sign that I am burnt out and people weary, and wish to be left alone and need to refuel.
So, other than the walking we did at a sale or two, I barely moved at all yesterday. And ate enough to warrant a pound weight gain. This mostly consisted of nibbles and crunches of everything I could get my pudgy hands on…ie: popcorn, two Sahlen’s hot dogs through the day, cheese, nuts, and stupid stuff, like olives. I know that this constant eating had nothing to do with real hunger, and that my attempts to quell feelings of anxiety and to soothe my soul, probably didn’t even really work. I can already say that I feel just as weary and agitated already this morning.
A lot of times, I discover that the best remedy for such feelings is actually to do the right thing…kind of like how much better you feel after you just hunker down and begin doing that damn term paper thats been hanging over you for so long. Relief comes from action and countering the impotence associated with feeling resigned. I am thinking that I may just have to pull a “Nike’” here, and “just do it.”
Tomorrow.
Today we have to hit the road running again, as we have many errands to run, and admittedly, a few garage sales to go to. Including one at a friend’s that I spied listed on craigslist, and is advertised as a fundraiser for Haiti. I haven’t seen Nancee in ages, so it is also a good excuse to say “hi!”
After this, we are scheduled to visit Kris at the psychiatric center, and then a friend who is in another hospital nearby. Then, we have to drop off something to a nearby friend at 4:30. This will all make for a long day, and frankly, is a lot of enmotional expenditure once again, and nothing I am overly thrilled about. I think I need a 2nd day of nothingness for recovery purposes, and find myself pining for a few days strung together as one may not be enough.
On the other hand, sseing as what I did with the one, perhaps its a darn good thing I won’t be allowed a repeat today!
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May 31st, 2010 | 
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