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I was in the tub with the phone by my side, minutes after posting today. Mom passed away at about 7:15 this morning. Tom is now at work, but will be home by 9:30. I will tell him then. I am very sad. She was a kind and caring woman, great mother to Tom and his siblings, and good mother-in-law. Rest in Peace, Orilla Schwanekamp!! Weight: 198.2 lbs. Our worlds have shrunk and our vision has narrowed. It has become pretty clear that Tom’s mother is terminal, and the decision was made yesterday to not insert a feeding tube. She is no longer responsive according to the reports we are given. Tom’s sister, Kay and her husband, have driven up and are there along with his brother, Ed, who lives in Iowa and has been Mom’s caretaker for the last few years. Two other sisters, one who lives locally and another in Texas, as well as Tom himself, remain home and close to the phone. Several calls were made and received yesterday, although we had to go out a few times to get everyday things accomplished. Last night we agonized over whether to attend our monthly metal detecting meeting, deciding to go after all at the last minute. However, after we got there and realized that there was no speaker, and that the president and his wife were out of town themselves, we actually walked out before it even began! We got some important grocery shopping done instead. Today Tom must work, as he is scheduled to, the early morning bus shift, although his colleagues are all off as it is spring break at his school. As Tom drives one girl from another district and her school is open, he still is scheduled to at least get her there each day. This had seemed like a good thing when we first heard it as he would have had an unpaid week off otherwise, but now it is of concern given that it is one more obligation to consider should mom pass. Plus, Tom has an eye appointment (with drops, so I must drive him) today, and car appointments the next two days in a row due to his broken air conditioning and door motor. Everything got scheduled into this week as originally it seemed to be the best time for him to get all that extra stuff done. Now we are anxious about every plan and what to do, and I am especially concerned that I have an atypically busy work week scheduled that will mean 3 long days in a row. Tomorrow I must be in extra early for a meeting, then have back to back clients straight into the early evening. This would make me virtually unreachable. And Thursday night is a critical staff meeting in which I have several topics to present, and whereby aspects of change regarding my bosses departure are going to be discussed. We only meet once every few months anyway, but this has been a long awaited one that is quite critical. Neither of us have slept much, and most of yesterday consisted of feeling giref stricken, anxious and edgy. Tom has been talking alot about his deceased wife, recounting the days precceding her death and the difficult decisions he had to make regarding this, to anyone who will listen. I too am remembering details surrounding the deaths of both of my parents, and what I was and was not for them, in their final months and days. Yesterday Tom decided that he did have to go to Iowa immediately, changing his mind about previous thoughts to stay put and await word. We looked into flights which usually seem to cost a few hundred dollars, only to find that if you want to go quickly, the cheapest one was over $1,000. Some were over $2,000. I hate to say that this changed his mind, but admittedly it certainly sobered us, and he reverted back to thinking more “logically” and deciding that it may be best to throw his energies into planning her local services instead. He is considering that since there is likely to be plans made for services both there and here, that maybe his energy best be spent focusing on plans for those here at her/his church. Those in Iowa, where she has only lived the last few years, would moreso be for people she has recently met and such, while the main ceremony would be here, where she lived much of her life, and where she will be buried. But, then again, this is even being second guessed, and Tom vacillates from this “logic”, to feeling that he must not only attend whatever is planned there too, but leave asap to possibly make it to see his mother before she passes, despite that this would be for him and not her sake given that she is no longer aware. He could find solace from being with the two siblings who are there, rather than commiserating with the two who are unable to travel. As of this writing, he has headed off for his morning shift and does plan to keep his eye appointment. He said that he will call his brother to see about whether Ed can help with frequent flier miles to defray airfare, and again, what they recommend as to going there at this point. Basically, decisions are being made (and unmade) on a moment by moment basis, and I don’t think anyone has planned for the bigger picture or decided much with total certainty yet, as is the case in situations like this. Grief, guilt, anxiety, hope, confused logic and fuzzy thinking get all mixed together, and it is excrutiating to know what is “best.” Although one might argue that there should be only one answer at such a time, the reality is that the is much to consider, and this makes what should be a clear choice, a complex one. Frankly, I rather wish that Tom had traveled out sooner, and could abandon logic about work and finances and local obligations and angst about timing and have just gone with his heart. On the other hand, I also rather wish that he would stay put, as there will be a lot that is needed to be arranged here with his church, the newspaper and local family and friends, and he is needed on this end. And where I fit and what I can do, is that much more up in the air even. Needless to say, we have slept little, and believe it or not, I have also eaten little. Yesterday my energy level was such that I had fits and starts with everything I tried to accomplish, and even my meals were spotty and effected by that horrible feeling of anxiety and impotence that makes your skin crawl and your insides twist. I had a very bad stomach for much of the day, with the only good thing about this being that I lost back down to nearly my previous low weight. I usually am an anxious/stress eater, but yesterday this was the opposite, and I had little appetite. Tom neither, and he uncharacteristically passed up an opportunity for pie even, when we were out. So, today, our focus is narrow and there is little else to consider…as weighty matters take precedence over weight and other matters. Sorry if this has become a grim place to visit, but as this is our reality now and this has never been a sugar coated blog, you will know as and when we do, how mom is and all that goes with this. And thank you anyone who has kept her in your thoughts and prayers, and offered support and guidance through this difficult time. Weight: 199.7 lbs. Well, I shouldn’t have gotten too relieved when I actually weighed the transposed amount of today’s weight, yesterday. Perhaps those meals out plus what I scarfed down at the auction yesterday, have caught up with me, as can be seen by my new, high number. How strange as well, that it is exactly the number that I thought that I saw and feared just yesterday. AND, nearly 2 lbs. higher than yesterday! Can a few meals out, a hot dog and some fundraiser popcorn really do this?! I used SOME restraint and didn’t go for the lebanese sweets, rice pudding, pulled pork or other delicacies as others did, including the woman who had her surgery 2 years ago and coached me on mine when we went to this same auction last year, and I was then about a week pre-op. She looks like a stick, but was seen eating potato chips, nachos and cookies. I must assume that this is an aberation for her, or that she is barfing everything back up later or something, ’cause I can’t imagine her having gotten down to the nothing she now appears to weigh, otherwise. And role model, my ass! I didn’t even allow myself half of what she chose…and gained nearly two lbs. anyway! Whatever…. We did have a comforting and nice time with Barb and Rick and my Lewiston cousins and before that Rose and Nancy. For how things are going right now, being with good people is of solace and provides a nice diversion. And this matters more than every bite I choose to eat. And for now, such issues as my weight are of less concern than usual as we continue to await what is becoming increasingly grim news about Tom’s mother. Yesterday we heard that she is not responding to the antibiotics and the doctor was not optimistic about her recovery. Tom is keeping in very close contact with his various siblings, and everyone is getting mobilized for action. On one hand, Tom wishes he could fly down there now, but on the other, this isn’t realistic or feasible, as she is not aware or alert enough to recognize or appreciate company, and he must time things according to when he is truly needed and could be of help. As we all know, work and life dictate ones choices too, and as such, he is awaiting a cue from his Iowa family as to when IS the right time to come. Should she pass, the expectation is that he will bring her ashes to Buffalo and a service will be held here, where she lived much of her life. This will allow me to remain local and “hold down the fort”, as I can both help here and participate in a memorial here such that I needn’t travel with Tom. We discuss aspects of her situation, care, needs, his feelings and the likely outcome constantly, and it is sounding like: “do you have a clean suit?” and ” should I look into flights now, or wait.” There is a feeling of impotence and helplessness that is painful and hard to shake, as well as some guilt for trying to live ordinarily, when things aren’t ordinary at all. It is hard to know just what to do, whether to plan anything, how to time things, and if it is more helpful to call in to family members and offer support, or risk depleting them further by taxing time and energy even more than it already likely is. And, whether Tom and/or Tom and I should really just go now regardless of what is “logical” or we are being told, or whether to stand still and wait for word(s) on her status. Would she know and get any comfort from a visitor now, or would this truly be a futile endeavor? Is this something that is done for her sake, or to provide comfort and solace for those who need to be there and know they spent some possibly final time with her? Does Tom really need or want me by his side when he does go, or is he telling me the truth when he says he’d prefer me here and he will be fine? So, as can be seen, life has taken a turn in a direction that makes my weight struggles sound and feel obscene. I simply will have to use some diligence not to stress eat, as I believe that I did yesterday at least to some degree. Between the temptations of exposure and heightened stress, I realize that this is a difficult time and will try to be proactive. But I am certain from my foibles already that I won’t be perfect and that perhaps some laxity is to be expected under such circumstances. And for now, in this and in our vigil, I guess it must be taken day by day and perhaps even minute by minute.  April 18th, 2010 |  Categories: Diet and Nutrition, Eating Out, Miscellaneous, Post-Surgery |  2 comments Weight: 197.9 lbs. When I weighed myself this morning, I thought at first that it said 199.9, and was very upset for a split second. But, then I realized that I have crept into finally new territory, although just by a smudge. But, given that we ate out the last two nights in a row, any loss (and not a gain!) is awesome. I ordered a stir fry with chicken, broccoli, peppers, onions, carrots and snow pea pods…and noodles, at dinner last night. It was delish and I do admit to having slurped up some of the noodles. It was covered in what was described as a black bean and garlic sauce, and was light and tasty. I ate heartily and then suddenly was stuffed, and ditched the remainder. I doubt that this was the most dietetic of choices, but given the options, probably the best of what I could have chosed. Tom had chicken parm and then an ice cream sundae for dessert. One of these days I’d like to see him get on board a little more himself. So, what’s with today’s title, you ask? Well, yesterday Tom and I went to a garage sale that had this awesome canoe hanging from the garage rafters, and Tom immediately said “we’ll take it!” to the owner. It was (just?) $200 and in nearly new shape and what appeared to be of quality material. However, I was shocked at Tom’s enthusiasm and ready expenditure of our money (from the man who complains if I spend five bucks on garage sale stuff!). Plus, I fretted aloud about where we would possibly store such a monstrosity, let alone whether we would be able to transport or even USE it. Unfortunately, I talked him right out of it, and we left with the lady’s phone number should be change our minds. Which we did, after much talk and including a consultaton with a canoe expert who told me that this sounded like a great deal and that we could easily learn to carry and use the thing. But, by then I had to wait for Tom to run his afternoon bus shift, and when he returned and I called the woman back, it had been sold. And now, I am strangely sad, as I had visions of us metamorphasizing into outdoorsmen, and paddling away in parts unknown. Oh well, it is probably truly for the best, as what probably would have happened in actuality is that we would have stared at it taking prime real estate in our garage for a year or two while we had to park outdoors, and then finally sold it in frustration after resenting its presence all the while. This thought makes me feel better about missing this opportunity, anyway! Today we have quite a busy day scheduled that takes us in another direction altogether. Our friends Rose and Nancy are due over to our house for the first time, at noon. We will catch up and blab and lunch together, and then after they leave at 4:00 or so, we are running off to pick up Barb and Rick (I hope!) and drive with them to Lewiston for a chinese auction event at my cousin’s church. Which is my church too I suppose, were I so inclined. In any event, I do support it in this manner anyway, and I am glad for the chance to see my cousins and catch up with them too as it has been ages. They are having pulled pork and other auction type foods there, and I’m not quite sure yet what I will do for grub as it would not be smart to go there hungry and discover nothing user friendly that I can have. Especially if everyone else is imbiding. And my cousin is the cook. Eeepp. Danger, danger, Mr. Robinson! Lastly today. Tom plans to check in once more with out of town family to see what the latest is on his mom. She is a resilient and amazingly strong woman, and so far has beat the odds many times. Last we heard she remains stable, although with such a competitor as bacterial meningitis, at 89 years old, she is likely up for one huge battle this time. So, we continue to take it day by day and are taking our cue from others, and living “normally” in the mean time. She is said not to recognize anyone such that there is no point for visiting, but Tom at least should go to Iowa should she rally, as this is when she will likely need more care and support. We are awaiting further word and “instructions” from Tom’s brother and sister-in-law who are in the forefront and in the best position to advise and instruct. And we appreciate their candor, hard work in “mom’s” behalf, and efforts to keep so many of us scattered about, informed and aware. And to make us feel rather guilty and footloose, as we go about everyday ya ya including canoe envy, while they are keeping a vigil up close and personal, with all the pain,work and responsibility that this entails. So for now, our thoughts and prayers are as much for Ed and Paulette as for mom. Thank you for all you do!! April 17th, 2010 | Categories: Diet and Nutrition, Eating Out, Miscellaneous, Post-Surgery | One comment Weight: 198.4 lbs. Yesterday was Tom’s birthday and we celebrated at Old Country Buffet (as I both feared and was excited about). Janet joined in, and we all ate our fill, although Tom surely did the most damage. Janet, who is small and a little eater anyway probably ate even less than me, although I tried to focus my energies on mostly good proteins. I had some sliced turkey, broiled fish, steak and cheesy cauliflower. No cheating here. Until I saw the icee machine, and just had to have a glass. I ate it with a spoon and savored the three flavors I mixed together, as if it was dessert. Well, it kind of was dessert, and a poor one at that. This is the only bad thing I chose, but I am hoping that it didn’t undo the rest of my better choices from yesterday and the days previous. And, the fat from the meats COMBINED with the sugary icee, can’t be a good thing. Clearly I’ve got to work harder at getting this straight! The scale hasn’t reflected my icee indulgence (yet?), so perhaps I can just move forward and hope to avoid further temptation until next “celebration”. And hope that my insides aren’t otherwise irreparably gunked up as a result either. In other even more somber news, it appears that Tom’s mother may be critically ill. He was called yesterday by his worried siblings, and from a spinal tap, it appears that she may have bacterial meningitis. This is potentially deadly even in hearty young people, and she is quite elderly, so we are very worried. Tom is planning to call his brother in Iowa today to learn more, and we are mobilizing ourselves lest the worst occur. She is such a hearty soul, having survivied a broken hip, appendicitis and breast cancer in only the last few years, and has rebounded nicely from even these serious illnesses. She seems so invincible physically, despite her dementia, but we are concerned that this time she has an even bigger battle and that she may no longer have the means to win. So, we are quietly awaiting word, and going about our business. My year anniversary for surgery is soon (4/28) and I’d like to be mindful of this milestone, and use it as further impetus to do well. I plan to post pictures here soon, something I have been lax on as I find it a difficult and confusing process. I never understand how some bloggers post such beautiful and neatly placed pics, like daily, while I struggle to get crooked, blurry things on here at all! Anyway, I am also behind the curve posting wise today, as I decided to work out first for a change. I may reverse this order permanently, as I have been lax on the workout given that by the time I do it after everything else in my morning routine, I am running late or feeling rushed, and it is then more of an afterthought. Not that I want this to be an afterthought instead…but I need to better figure on how I can manage it all with full investment and focus. Perhaps I should get up earlier - LOL!! Well, there remains much to do, including the “just in case” laundry that I threw in so we are prepared should we have to run or something. If you are so inclined, please keep Tom’s mother in your prayers. And have a safe and healthy day! April 16th, 2010 | Categories: Diet and Nutrition, Eating Out, Exercise (Post-Surgery), Miscellaneous, Post-Surgery | 2 comments Weight: 198.4 lbs. It is gearing up to be another gorgeous spring day in Buffalo. Yesterday I stared longingly at it out my work window, and listened all day as my clients and their staff told me all about it. I am fortunate though that my pretty little office is situated in front of an early blooming tree such that I have a direct view of it out my big window, as well as of the fields behind our building. I am getting excited about the upcoming summer, although I am not exactly sure yet what to do out there in the world and weather. I suppose that I should be taking this opportunity to kick it up outdoors, but other than a walk or two, I haven’t taken much advantage of it all yet. I certainly hope that this fine weather holds for our April 30th, May 1st and 2nd garage sale dates. Last night, I had hoped to go for a walk with Tom, but our kitchen sink elbow suddnly decided to fall off, flooding our kitchen with water after dinner and when Tom had just filled the whole sink with dirty dinner dishes. This left him with his head under the sink until quite late, and both of us with quite a mess to sop and clean up. I suppose that this will have to count for my exercise yesterday! Today is Tom’s birthday (Happy Birthday, honey!!), and Janet is likely coming over to join in his birthday dinner. All this probably means is that we will eat out somewhere simple and perhaps Old Country Buffet as he has chosen. Since we now rarely eat out and I am less tempted as a result, I have gotten a little out of practice with what to do. I know that this restaurant has a lot of good choices like baked fish and chicken and salads, so I am not too worried. Yesterday I ate liver and onions for dinner along with steamed broccoli, and otherwise had a good, healthy eating day without the time issues of the day before to whip me into a starving frenzy. Today should be more moderately paced as well, and I may even get out a little early. I hope to beat Tom home this afternoon, so we can spend a little time together and have him open his card etc. from me, before we head out with company. And, perhaps today we’ll get some time to enjoy the weather and a nice walk or something. Nice weather is a rarity here so we need to soak it up when we can. It is now 6:43 am and the sky looks cloudless and beautiful! And speaking of, I’d better hustle if I hope to get my workout in before work! Clearly I have nothing profound or interesting to say today anyway! I’ll catch you tomorrow! April 15th, 2010 | Categories: Diet and Nutrition, Eating Out, Exercise (Post-Surgery), Miscellaneous, Post-Surgery | 3 comments Weight: 199.0 lbs. Although this may sound petty, I am quite upset about everything Verizon and want my cable back! I am surprised at how user unfriendly the system is, and upset with many aspects of our changeover. But none as much as the fact that we now don’t get the Style network, and I can no longer watch Ruby! I hafta watch Ruby…other than Debra and the commenting crew here, she is my role model and “fix” and “friend” on this journey. And, as a therapist, I need to know what she discovers on her therapeutic journey as she explores and tries to remember her past and how it all connects to her eating. A week without Ruby is unthinkable, especially at this point in my process! (Alright, I am being a little dramatic and ocd like, but I AM very upset!) Does anyone know if I can watch her episodes on line or some other way? I will have to look into this. I am also gonna call Verizon and give ‘em hell for their paultry channel line-up. Tom is equally as upset that he has lost the Military channel - his personal favorite. Instead we’ve been given a lot of crappy channels, sports (which neither of us watch), and wierd, Spanish speaking stuff that reminds me of the bumble bee show on the Simpsons. Verizon - what are you thinking?! Sigh… So, I’m off to a grand start to the day, huh? I worked quite late last night, without a minute break while there. I came home famished and fatigued, and grumpy when I tried to settle in to an hour or two of tv, and realized the things I just mentioned. Anyway, I was also so starving and stressed, I couldn’t even decide what to eat that would fill me fast enough, and grabbed a bag of shrimp that I had thawing, and ate like the world’s biggest shrimp cocktail as my dinner. Tom was in the computer room fussing with our new e mail system, and missed the whole shrimpy extravaganza. And fortunately he doesn’t like shrimp anyway, or I would have likely fought him for them. I ate like a bazillion shrimp, then Tom came in and wanted strawberries with lite whipped cream, and this too sounded good. He cleaned and cut up a quart o’ berries, and put some cream in a bowl - and we both had a go at it. Anyway, today he announced that he is down to 191 lbs., widening the weight gap between us and making my next goal that much more daunting. I feel as if I may have lost, except for the sodium count on the shrimp is super high, and given how many I ate, I will likely be salty for days! I really ate little otherwise and mindful of carbs., but damn if the sodium won’t get you. But, I’m sure my protein intake was out of this world! As can be seen, I’m not out of the woods yet as far as binge eating and wierd choices goes…although I do feel more balanced as far as KNOWING better at a deeper level, now. I expect that it will remain hard to juggle all that I need to know and do, including to ensure proper intake of all the right nutrients, while being more careful about not just carbs and calories, but sodium and other things like “hidden” sugars etc. Sometimes all this thinking makes me want to grab for bad stuff out of a sense of resignation and rebellion, but not now. At least for today, I remain focused on at least trying to do better. I must remember Tuesdays as one of my most challenging days because I work long and late, and may not have time to eat at work. I believe that this is what threw me off yesterday…although in olden days I would have likely chosen much worse than too many shrimp! But still, as a note to self, mega amounts of anything, especially seafood, can’t be good, and certainly doesn’t feel good in the tummy the next morning, either! That having been said, I’d better pack up my mercury poisoned self and swim off to another work day. God, I can almost feel myself sprouting fins as I write this! Weight: 198.2 lbs. Well, we have a huge tent taking up half our driveway, and a new cable and internet system. The Verizon guy was here nearly all day, and Zoe and Dennis, much of the evening. I hated it all! I feel impotent and stupid in the face of electronics/technology, and large projects. Fortunately, I wasn’t the one who had to actually DO either…although at times it rather felt like it. And today, I am not thrilled with Verizon cable, as I find everything about the remote and programming counterintuitive, cluttered and confusing. On the treadmill this morning, I had to watch paid programming, as I couldn’t figure out how to use the new remote and find the channels I am accustomed to. There are huge gaps between programs, and it takes forever to scroll through unused stations to find viable ones, plus you must use a remote to change the tv stations, even through the tv is inches from my face when I am working out. How funny I looked holding a remote in one hand while jogging away! I guess that it’ll all take time to adjust to, but so far I am hating the changeover and the learning curve is more of a pain than I thought it would be. On the other hand, if this is all I have to complain about today, my life is surely blessed! I have been pondering the big picture lately, and have come to realize that this IS my actual life and I can do and be whatever I want each and every minute of it. Sometimes I feel as if “cheating” is me living a parallel life, or something, and not part of the bigger whole. But the sobering reality is that every choice I make, every minute, effects and shapes the outcome and whether I get where I want to soon, slowly, quickly, with the proper lessons, fleetingly, or not at all. I am in the driver’s seat, and not an imaginary chauffeur who hijacks me on occassion and forces me to eat carbs. And, as the driver of this vehicle, I am making another, renewed commitment to driving safely and within the speed limit. I needn’t cross over the yellow lines or risk an accident, in order to have an interesting journey. If I want a change of pace or scenery, I can take another complimentary route instead. And if I drive too slowly, I’ll probably never get where I am going, and risk more boredom and complacency along the way. So, I am better appreciating that the drive is up to me, and can determine many things as I go. I have learned that I get bored quickly, so given this, I should focus on ways I can take scenic routes and introduce some diversity in my choices, at times. I do this in so many other aspects of my life, but rarely in my “drive” (diet). I did leave the Verizon guy with Tom in the middle of the day yesterday, and shopped my head off. I must say that I am even impressed with my purchases, and there are now ingredients for many healthy, low carb., and diverse meals. I bought things like chicken liver, broccoli, shrimp, strawberries and a variety of cheeses. I am now rather looking forward to whipping up some tasty, yet simple meals, and getting on better track. I feel good about this, and ready to re-embrace a healthier lifestyle and attitue. It’s funny that I really didn’t do too badly over the weekend and during my period petulance, although I allowed myself this option and chose to take a back seat to myself and see where I ended up. Quite honestly, I didn’t drive off any cliffs or much more dangerously at all, and surprisingly only stopped for snacks a few times along the way. Despite this, I guess I did need the option for a “fling” to indulge my spirit and allow my rebellious nature one more opportunity. And all I really did was discover that I am possilbly more aware of the rules of the road than I realized, not that interested in breaking them, and too mindful of the possibilites of what a crash could do for me and “my vehicle”, to want to risk it. Wow! And perhaps, I have the Debras and such of this site to thank for it, and can feel their hands on the wheel, even when I think I am the only one in the car…! And this sure makes my ability to drive off a cliff a hell of a lot harder to do, and less “glamorous” as well! So I guess I am more of a little old lady driver at this point, and likely to obey the rules of the road in a way that only a more mature, conscientious woman could. Double wow! Weight: 198.8 lbs. Well. it’s not something I am particularily proud of, but it was quite an accomplishment. I managed to watch nearly every friggin’ show I had left on the DVR, albeit some on fast forward and others, percursorily, before throwing in the towel and erasing them before they ended. Verizon is due here in an hour or two, and all I have left to watch is last night’s episode of Ruby. I would have stayed up to watch it in real time, but after a day of nearly nothing else but being glued to the set (oh, and 4 loads of laundry and several telephone calls), I couldn’t stand another episode of anything or another minute of watching anything. I think this has cured me of my tv addiction, and I may never watch another thing! If only eating worked like this…. …Oh wait, it does. You know…pig out today and grow so sick of food afterwards, that you vow never to eat again. And believe that you actually mean it, until breakfast the next day. When you eat even more. Although in all seriousness, after doing more sitting these last few days than I have all year, I am hankering to expend some energy, including getting back into my workout which I have slacked off on for the last few days. I am fortunate that my period coincided with my need to stay in and do the DVR thing, so at least now I have killed off my need to be slovenly in all ways, in one fall swoop. And, hopefully, I am just as done being lax on myself diet-wise. I did have the requisite bowl o’ popcorn last night, and ate rather wierdly the rest of the day. I was in nibble mode, no doubt because of the tv thing, and didn’t actually eat any real meals at all, except for the 2 eggs I had at breakfast. Otherwise, my diet consisted entirely of munchable things, like nuts, the last of the low fat chips Janet had brought over on Friday night, a shake (as I was aware that I was woefully low on protein), a hot dog with no bun, and some olives. I can’t for the life of me recall what else I ate, but think that if this is all, I was even more pathetic in getting in protein and nutrients than I even thought. But at least the calorie count wasn’t terribly high, either. And, as I am sick of myself and eating so snarkily, I do feel more ready to re-embrace better habits…once I have shopped for something other than crap to eat. Since I never got out of my pjs yesterday, clearly I never shopped either, nor had I this week at all for staples or any meanigful food items. There is some canned and frozen stuff we can rely on in a pinch of course, but for anything fresh or meat like, this will require me to actually untether myself from the house and tv, and re-enter the real world. Which after this weekend of being holed up in the living room, basement or garage, I can’t wait to do. Once the Verizon guys come and go, that is. And after Zoe and Dennis come later today to set their huge tent up in our driveway in anticipation of the garage sale and all the stuff they need to store in it. Ah, to be free of one obsession just in time to prepare for another. If only I could get so single minded and excited about exercise…! April 12th, 2010 | Categories: Diet and Nutrition, Exercise (Post-Surgery), Post-Surgery | Leave a comment Weight: 199.2 lbs. I have decided that I am my own worst enemy. I am already in physical and psychic pain, and now I can add that I feel guilty and regretful to the equation. I thought that I could cheat with impunity, but I guess that I am not as good at it as I had thought. Drat? I ate too much and poorly yesterday, and ended up being unable to distinguish cramps from fullness…all I knew was that my stomach hurt so much I felt like I was ready to deliver quadruplets. I’m not sure if it was the leftover chicken, salad, popcorn, nuts, ham or multiple coffees that I had through the day, or my period that was killing me. Or both together. In any case, since no children were delivered and today is a new day, I am better…although I have more weight gain to contend with. This cheating hiatus isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and I’m not having any “fun” with it yet. LOL or COL, depending how you see things…. Also, my OCD is in full swing, as I am whipped into a tv watching frenzy as I attempt to clear my DVR of all the shows and movies I have taped and not yet had time to watch, before we ditch Time Warner for Verizon Fios on Monday. This gives me just one more day to watch like 9,000 hours of programming, lest it all be removed with the hardware. You think I can do it?! I’m gonna try! Clearly I won’t be getting much exercise or movement of any kind in today, and am at even greater risk for munch fests as I sit endlessly and mindlessly in front of the tv, bleeding to death and watching show after show on fast forward to get as much in as I can. A lovely plan, don’t you think? Tom best move out til after it is all over. God, I am pathetic even by my own standards! The only decent thing we did yesterday, was attend a chinese auction and meet this nice couple who we ended up liking a lot and found much in common with. They were perhaps slightly older than us, and I didn’t see the woman, who clearly had rheumatoid arthitis from the looks of her crumpled hands, get up once during the event. Her husband brought her food and coffee and such. After it ended, we said “goodbye” and hurried off to our car. However, we got stuck in a crowd in the parking lot, and couldn’t move from our space for some time. It was then that we saw this couple, with her walking painstakingly and barely, holding on for dear life to her husband, as her arthritic limbs struggled to make it through the lot to the car next to ours. We greeted them once again and exchanged more good natured banter, and our hearts broke for her. We had no idea that she was disabled to this degree, and it certainly puts my complaints and tribulations in perspective! In the only other only redeeming news of what I have done lately, is that I tried on all the rest of the basement clothes, including dozens of jeans in sizes huge to wedding weight. Many have now ended up in the garage sale pile, a dozen are now able to be worn and are proudly in my drawers, and the rest have been put back for if and when I lose more. Although given my current circumstances, this may be like 2042. I was also pleased to find many other items that now fit, and have moved bigger things out to the garage and replaced these with nearly the last batch of smaller items. Mostly I fit 18’s and 20’s, with a few smaller 22’s in there for good measure. Not exactly Twiggy, but better than the mumus (or moo moos, perhaps) that I started with. If I didn’t feel so yucko just now, I might be more properly inspired by the clothes thing, and it would likely be motivating me towards greater things. Perhaps this feeling will come back soon anyway, as I am tiring of being “bad” quicker than I had anticipated. Let’s hope that I just needed to get this out of my system and sneak in one last rebellion before I hunker back down to business. Maybe. Right now I continue to feel as if I am in petulant brat mode, and perhaps need one last fling before I grow back up and become the more responsible, sensible adult that I think I am capable of. I guess we’ll have to at least wait until after the DVR swap to know for sure, as I still know me well enough to know that if I must watch 92 straight hours of tv today, I can’t do this properly without at least SOME popcorn! And if this doesn’t sound bratty and like a whopper of an excuse, I don’t know what does! |
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