Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 199.2 lbs.

I ate like a maniac at yesterday’s pot luck at work, and left a trail of crumbs and guilt that led into the evening. I nibbled on leftovers that I rebowled and served to colleagues at our evening staff meeting, and am surprised that I didn’t go into shock or something from all the carbs I ingested. I HAD to try some of everything that every co-worked brought, and then try it some more later to be sure that I really liked it the first time.

I am playing with fire and am lucky I didn’t get more burned weight wise, yet. I MUST stop this nonsense before I creep back to 200. I had Tom take some shots of me in preparation for posting my year anniversary blog here next week, and can’t believe how fat I still look. I feel disgusted with myself at the moment, and am gearing up to rebel against my rebellion, and take measures to take stock. How’s that for a fancy way of saying that I am committing once more to do better.

Last night I got home from work around 7:30, and denied myself dinner due to my day’s indulgences. Plus, I had to call a friend whose mother is , and by the time I was able to hunker down for the evening, it was quite late. Tom and I watched a taped episode of Family Guy together, caught up on our respective days, and then he went to bed.

And I stayed up and watched Marley and Me. Alone. Like I prefer when I know that something may be a tear jerker. Tom is also too sentimental and sensitive to watch anything maudlin, let alone a movie about a dog who ultimately dies from stomach torsion, as one of his did years ago. I can’t stand crying in front of people or being vulnerable, so I try to stay away from situations that may provoke tears in public and especially anything animal as this is my weakest spot.

And I cried my face off for Marley and for Mom and for the injustices of life and for the inevitability of death and for everything and anything sad that has every happened in my life and in the world.

And I feel better today. I may even have found the balance and clarity that I have been seeking all week. (Although my eyes hurt!)

And maybe this is just what the doctor ordered, and I owe it all to a very bad yellow lab and Verizon Fios for giving us free HBO to make up for all our complaints.

And for this, I guess the traumatic switch to Fios may just have been worth it after all.