Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 199,7 lbs…!

The fact that I gained a few pounds (!) since a day or two ago is quite disconcerting and not helping my general state of self pity, dysphoria and grumpiness any. On the other hand, I have to see this in perspective and chuckle despite my misery, as I see that it is still nearly a hundred pound loss since yesterday, as astute reader Debra pointed out in the comments. LOL…then cry!

For some reason, I have entered into a state of utter irritability whereby all of my organs and senses are effected as described in the title. I am not sure what the hell is the matter with me except perhaps stress and a sense of restlessness about my own bad choices and wasted energy and time. I desperately need to focus and get back on track in every way, yet seem to have entered this disconcerting zone where I can’t seem to think straight enough to get anything accomplished or tackle everyday issues with proper composure or logic. Instead my skin is crawling, I wander around with a sense that I am forgetting something, I spin my wheels and am anti-productive, and I feel restless, grumpy and confused. I have so much to actually do that I can’t afford to be wasting time and energy like this, but this thought only adds to my feelings of disquiet and frustration, rather than helping me mobilize myself.

Today I work late into the evening and have lots to present at our staff meeting, so I MUST get back on my toes. My counseling sessions and general work performance has been spotty lately, and if I were my own boss, I would have let myself go this week!

I still have not resumed working out, and know that I need to for the good effect that this usually has on energy and blood flow. I hope to pull myself together to do so tomorrow, and I should be off, so will have more time. Last night I felt so guilty not going for a walk or something, as it remained beautiful out and Tom even asked if I’d walk with him. But, I was stewing in my juices and depleted from the day, and said something like “mmmphhh” instead, and drooled some more in front of the tv.

It is promising to be another beautiful day out, so I really hope to do better. I even would like to catch a garage sale or two over the weekend if possible, as these usually cheer me up. But for now, I am feeling so mopey, I haven’t even checked the paper to see what’s out there. Plus, I fight with myself constantly about how to best use my time, and “playing” isn’t exactly on my list of approved or earned options right now.

The other thing possibly eating at me, is financial. Tom’s car needs much work, and I have felt concern about all the expenses looming as a result, plus, I am angry because much of it should have been tended to before his warranty expired in February, as it would have been covered in full before that time. But because he didn’t get to it, despite having symptoms for a long time, we now must bear the full burden of cost. This comes at an otherwise difficult time as our credit card is due in full or it will start to accumulate interest (it has been at zero percent interest all year), and we owe a hefty amount by June to avoid this. All of this plus several medical expenses have tipped our financial scales, and I regret the playing we did earlier in the month that has now left us with even more difficult decisions to make as to the best ways to tend to all that is on our plate. Perhaps the garage sale will generate a few good bucks towards things….

Lastly, I am chagrined at my own fluctuating motivation and fits and starts diet and self care wise. I continue to be more lax with myself than I should be (although not enough to justify my few lb. weight gain, I don’t think!). Today we have a pot luck at work, and Saturday we have a brunch at Pete’s house. I continue to be exposed to foods and opportunities to make excuses to eat them, around every corner. In the past I managed these temptations better much of the time, and I am upset with myself that I seem to have fallen off the wagon and don’t seem to care anymore. I am not being horrible, mind you, but certainly I am not following any particular plan, diet or rules of conduct, either. I know that in order to rebalance everything else in my thinking and feelings, I must gain control this way as well. Plus, as my stomach has been shot lately which isn’t helping any, I need to treat my body better even in the short term, if I hope to find my way back.

So…there is lots I must tend to, making my tangible list look paltry compared to my emotional list of things to do.

I will try not to feel as overwhelmed by all this, take smaller bites perhaps, and go for it.

SIGH….!