Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 297.8 lbs.

My head is fuzzy and I can’t seem to get organized internally or externally. I’m not sure if this is a factor of the issues and feelings generated by this difficult week, or if I am just overly stressed, getting depressed, in a funk, or all four. I keep forgetting things, feel off kilter in every way, am profoundly unmotivated to work out, accomplish things on my lists, eat right or even get up in the morning. I hanker to have endless time to just sit and read a good book. I yearn to immerse myself in someone elses life, while taking a break from my own for a while. I’m not sure if I need an hour, a day or a week, but I feel a desperate need to refuel, revitalize and rebalance. I am a strong introvert, and often when I get feeling something like this, it is becasue I am emotionally depleted, and need some alone and down time to reboot my system.

I’m not sure if this will suffice this time around, but fear that I won’t have a chance to find out anyway, given the demands of the day(s). Also, the big garage sale is just around the corner now, and there is much to do yet. I have managed to place ads in all 3 papers and post on craigslist etc., but signs still must be made, stuff put out and priced, tables set up, friends things brought by and fussed over, drinks and snack items purchased etc. As this “event” is a cross between a garage sale and a party, I am stressing about details that encompass both. Every time I have one of these, I say to anyone who will listen that they better never let me think of doing such a thing again, and to bludgeon me on the spot if I even consider it. Once again, death by blunt force trauma would have been more merciful than what I have gotten myself into - especially given how weary I am feeling. For the 2 cents a hour that this is likely to generate after labor for a thousand  hours is factored in, it can hardly be worth it. I am trying to look at it as a divestment of old belongings, including most of my fattest clothes, and feel liberated by this, but this hasn’t quite inspired me yet. Perhaps later….

And speaking of fat clothes, I will be back wearing these soon (except that they will all have been sold or donated!) if I don’t get back on track diet and exercise wise. Guilt about this is playing on me too and in the mix of other unresolved emotions, and isn’t helping any. I am trying to pull a Nike (and just do it), but haven’t quite succeeded in the motivation arena. Yesterday I ate sloppily and poorly, basically grabbing at the first things to cross my path whenever I had a free moment. I worked a long and depleting day and only ate bits and bites as I could between session, but still managed to make poor choices, like leftover cheez-its and bagged popcorn. The cheez-it indulgence began after a late client came in famished and asked if I had any food in my room to tide him over til dinner, and all I could find were the groups cheez crackers. After he ate his fill and left, I just HAD to eat the rest while doing paperwork. Clearly, I can’t have such things in my vicinity, especially when in the state I’ve been in.

So, although I am aware of the dark state I seem to be entering, and despite my Master’s degree in such things, this doesn’t necessarily translate into the kind of wisdom or action that heals. At least not instantly. But, like always, I will trudge towards the light and hope to feel its warmth in time…. And if nothing more, I’ll at least try to fake it for Tom’s sake in the mean time.