Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 198.2 lbs.

Our worlds have shrunk and our vision has narrowed. It has become pretty clear that Tom’s mother is terminal, and the decision was made yesterday to not insert a feeding tube. She is no longer responsive according to the reports we are given. Tom’s sister, Kay and her husband, have driven up and are there along with his brother, Ed, who lives in Iowa and has been Mom’s caretaker for the last few years. Two other sisters, one who lives locally and another in Texas, as well as Tom himself, remain home and close to the phone. Several calls were made and received yesterday, although we had to go out a few times to get everyday things accomplished.

Last night we agonized over whether to attend our monthly metal detecting meeting, deciding to go after all at the last minute. However, after we got there and realized that there was no speaker, and that the president and his wife were out of town themselves, we actually walked out before it even began! We got some important grocery shopping done instead. Today Tom must work, as he is scheduled to, the early morning bus shift, although his colleagues are all off as it is spring break at his school. As Tom drives one girl from another district and her school is open, he still is scheduled to at least get her there each day. This had seemed like a good thing when we first heard it as he would have had an unpaid week off otherwise, but now it is of concern given that it is one more obligation to consider should mom pass. Plus, Tom has an eye appointment (with drops, so I must drive him) today, and car appointments the next two days in a row due to his broken air conditioning and door motor. Everything got scheduled into this week as originally it seemed to be the best time for him to get all that extra stuff done.

Now we are anxious about every plan and what to do, and I am especially concerned that I have an atypically busy work week scheduled that will mean 3 long days in a row. Tomorrow I must be in extra early for a meeting, then have back to back clients straight into the early evening. This would make me virtually unreachable. And Thursday night is a critical staff meeting in which I have several topics to present, and whereby aspects of change regarding my bosses departure are going to be discussed. We only meet once every few months anyway, but this has been a long awaited one that is quite critical.

Neither of us have slept much, and most of yesterday consisted of feeling giref stricken, anxious and edgy. Tom has been talking alot about his deceased wife, recounting the days precceding her death and the difficult decisions he had to make regarding this, to anyone who will listen. I too am remembering details surrounding the deaths of both of my parents, and what I was and was not for them, in their final months and days. Yesterday Tom decided that he did have to go to Iowa immediately, changing his mind about previous thoughts to stay put and await word. We looked into flights which usually seem to cost a few hundred dollars, only to find that if you want to go quickly, the cheapest one was over $1,000. Some were over $2,000. I hate to say that this changed his mind, but admittedly it certainly sobered us, and he reverted back to thinking more “logically” and deciding that it may be best to throw his energies into planning her local services instead. He is considering that since there is likely to be plans made for services both there and here, that maybe his energy best be spent focusing on plans for those here at her/his church. Those in Iowa, where she has only lived the last few years, would moreso be for people she has recently met and such, while the main ceremony would be here, where she lived much of her life, and where she will be buried.

But, then again, this is even being second guessed, and Tom vacillates from this “logic”, to feeling that he must not only attend whatever is planned there too, but leave asap to possibly make it to see his mother before she passes, despite that this would be for him and not her sake given that she is no longer aware. He could find solace from being with the two siblings who are there, rather than commiserating with the two who are unable to travel.

As of this writing, he has headed off for his morning shift and does plan to keep his eye appointment. He said that he will call his brother to see about whether Ed can help with frequent flier miles to defray airfare, and again, what they recommend as to going there at this point. Basically, decisions are being made (and unmade) on a moment by moment basis, and I don’t think anyone has planned for the bigger picture or decided much with total certainty yet, as is the case in situations like this. Grief, guilt, anxiety, hope, confused logic and fuzzy thinking get all mixed together, and it is excrutiating to know what is “best.” Although one might argue that there should be only one answer at such a time, the reality is that the is much to consider, and this makes what should be a clear choice, a complex one. Frankly, I rather wish that Tom had traveled out sooner, and could abandon logic about work and finances and local obligations and angst about timing and have just gone with his heart. On the other hand, I also rather wish that he would stay put, as there will be a lot that is needed to be arranged here with his church, the newspaper and local family and friends, and he is needed on this end. And where I fit and what I can do, is that much more up in the air even.

Needless to say, we have slept little, and believe it or not, I have also eaten little. Yesterday my energy level was such that I had fits and starts with everything I tried to accomplish, and even my meals were spotty and effected by that horrible feeling of anxiety and impotence that makes your skin crawl and your insides twist. I had a very bad stomach for much of the day, with the only good thing about this being that I lost back down to nearly my previous low weight. I usually am an anxious/stress eater, but yesterday this was the opposite, and I had little appetite. Tom neither, and he uncharacteristically passed up an opportunity for pie even, when we were out.

So, today, our focus is narrow and there is little else to consider…as weighty matters take precedence over weight and other matters. Sorry if this has become a grim place to visit, but as this is our reality now and this has never been a sugar coated blog, you will know as and when we do, how mom is and all that goes with this. And thank you anyone who has kept her in your thoughts and prayers, and offered support and guidance through this difficult time.