Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 199.7 lbs.

Well, I shouldn’t have gotten too relieved when I actually weighed the transposed amount of today’s weight, yesterday. Perhaps those meals out plus what I scarfed down at the auction yesterday, have caught up with me, as can be seen by my new, high number. How strange as well, that it is exactly the number that I thought that I saw and feared just yesterday. AND, nearly 2 lbs. higher than yesterday! Can a few meals out, a hot dog and some fundraiser popcorn really do this?! I used SOME restraint and didn’t go for the lebanese sweets, rice pudding, pulled pork or other delicacies as others did, including the woman who had her surgery 2 years ago and coached me on mine when we went to this same auction last year, and I was then about a week pre-op. She looks like a stick, but was seen eating potato chips, nachos and cookies. I must assume that this is an aberation for her, or that she is barfing everything back up later or something, ’cause I can’t imagine her having gotten down to the nothing she now appears to weigh, otherwise. And role model, my ass! I didn’t even allow myself half of what she chose…and gained nearly two lbs. anyway!

Whatever….

 We did have a comforting and nice time with Barb and Rick and my Lewiston cousins and before that Rose and Nancy. For how things are going right now, being with good people is of solace and provides a nice diversion. And this matters more than every bite I choose to eat.

And for now, such issues as my weight are of less concern than usual as we continue to await what is becoming increasingly grim news about Tom’s mother. Yesterday we heard that she is not responding to the antibiotics and the doctor was not optimistic about her recovery. Tom is keeping in very close contact with his various siblings, and everyone is getting mobilized for action. On one hand, Tom wishes he could fly down there now, but on the other, this isn’t realistic or feasible, as she is not aware or alert enough to recognize or appreciate company, and he must time things according to when he is truly needed and could be of help. As we all know, work and life dictate ones choices too, and as such, he is awaiting a cue from his Iowa family as to when IS the right time to come. Should she pass, the expectation is that he will bring her ashes to Buffalo and a service will be held here, where she lived much of her life. This will allow me to remain local and “hold down the fort”, as I can both help here and participate in a memorial here such that I needn’t travel with Tom. We discuss aspects of her situation, care, needs, his feelings and the likely outcome constantly, and it is sounding like: “do you have a clean suit?” and ” should I look into flights now, or wait.”  There is a feeling of impotence and helplessness that is painful and hard to shake, as well as some guilt for trying to live ordinarily, when things aren’t ordinary at all. It is hard to know just what to do, whether to plan anything, how to time things, and if it is more helpful to call in to family members and offer support, or risk depleting them further by taxing time and energy even more than it already likely is. And, whether Tom and/or Tom and I should really just go now regardless of what is “logical” or we are being told, or whether to stand still and wait for word(s) on her status. Would she know and get any comfort from a visitor now, or would this truly be a futile endeavor? Is this something that is done for her sake, or to provide comfort and solace for those who need to be there and know they spent some possibly final time with her? Does Tom really need or want me by his side when he does go, or is he telling me the truth when he says he’d prefer me here and he will be fine?

So, as can be seen, life has taken a turn in a direction that makes my weight struggles sound and feel obscene. I simply will have to use some diligence not to stress eat, as I believe that I did yesterday at least to some degree. Between the temptations of exposure and heightened stress, I realize that this is a difficult time and will try to be proactive. But I am certain from my foibles already that I won’t be perfect and that perhaps some laxity is to be expected under such circumstances.

 And for now, in this and in our vigil, I guess it must be taken day by day and perhaps even minute by minute.