Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 199.0 lbs.

Although this may sound petty, I am quite upset about everything Verizon and want my cable back! I am surprised at how user unfriendly the system is, and upset with many aspects of our changeover. But none as much as the fact that we now don’t get the Style network, and I can no longer watch Ruby! I hafta watch Ruby…other than Debra and the commenting crew here, she is my role model and “fix” and “friend” on this journey. And, as a therapist, I need to know what she discovers on her therapeutic journey as she explores and tries to remember her past and how it all connects to her eating. A week without Ruby is unthinkable, especially at this point in my process! (Alright, I am being a little dramatic and ocd like, but I AM very upset!)

Does anyone know if I can watch her episodes on line or some other way? I will have to look into this. I am also gonna call Verizon and give ‘em hell for their paultry channel line-up. Tom is equally as upset that he has lost the Military channel - his personal favorite. Instead we’ve been given a lot of crappy channels, sports (which neither of us watch), and wierd, Spanish speaking stuff that reminds me of the bumble bee show on the Simpsons. Verizon - what are you thinking?!

Sigh… So, I’m off to a grand start to the day, huh? I worked quite late last night, without a minute break while there. I came home famished and fatigued, and grumpy when I tried to settle in to an hour or two of tv, and realized the things I just mentioned. Anyway, I was also so starving and stressed, I couldn’t even decide what to eat that would fill me fast enough, and grabbed a bag of shrimp that I had thawing, and ate like the world’s biggest shrimp cocktail as my dinner. Tom was in the computer room fussing with our new e mail system, and missed the whole shrimpy extravaganza. And fortunately he doesn’t like shrimp anyway, or I would have likely fought him for them. I ate like a bazillion shrimp, then Tom came in and wanted strawberries with lite whipped cream, and this too sounded good. He cleaned and cut up a quart o’ berries, and put some cream in a bowl - and we both had a go at it.  Anyway, today he announced that he is down to 191 lbs., widening the weight gap between us and making my next goal that much more daunting. I feel as if I may have lost, except for the sodium count on the shrimp is super high, and given how many I ate, I will likely be salty for days! I really ate little otherwise and mindful of carbs., but damn if the sodium won’t get you. But, I’m sure my protein intake was out of this world!

As can be seen, I’m not out of the woods yet as far as binge eating and wierd choices goes…although I do feel more balanced as far as KNOWING better at a deeper level, now. I expect that it will remain hard to juggle all that I need to know and do, including to ensure proper intake of all the right nutrients, while being more careful about not just carbs and calories, but sodium and other things like “hidden” sugars etc. Sometimes all this thinking makes me want to grab for bad stuff out of a sense of resignation and rebellion, but not now. At least for today, I remain focused on at least trying to do better. I must remember Tuesdays as one of my most challenging days because I work long and late, and may not have time to eat at work. I believe that this is what threw me off yesterday…although in olden days I would have likely chosen much worse than too many shrimp! But still, as a note to self, mega amounts of anything, especially seafood, can’t be good, and certainly doesn’t feel good in the tummy the next morning, either!

That having been said,  I’d better pack up my mercury poisoned self and swim off to another work day. God, I can almost feel myself sprouting fins as I write this!