Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 199.2 lbs.

I have decided that I am my own worst enemy. I am already in physical and psychic pain, and now I can add that I feel guilty and regretful to the equation. I thought that I could cheat with impunity, but I guess that I am not as good at it as I had thought. Drat?

I ate too much and poorly yesterday, and ended up being unable to distinguish cramps from fullness…all I knew was that my stomach hurt so much I felt like I was ready to deliver quadruplets. I’m not sure if it was the leftover chicken, salad, popcorn, nuts, ham or multiple coffees that I had through the day, or my period that was killing me. Or both together.

In any case, since no children were delivered and today is a new day, I am better…although I have more weight gain to contend with. This cheating hiatus isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and I’m not having any “fun” with it yet. LOL or COL, depending how you see things….

Also, my OCD is in full swing, as I am whipped into a tv watching frenzy as I attempt to clear my DVR of all the shows and movies I have taped and not yet had time to watch, before we ditch Time Warner for Verizon Fios on Monday. This gives me just one more day to watch like 9,000 hours of programming, lest it all be removed with the hardware. You think I can do it?! I’m gonna try! Clearly I won’t be getting much exercise or movement of any kind in today, and am at even greater risk for munch fests as I sit endlessly and mindlessly in front of the tv, bleeding to death and watching show after show on fast forward to get as much in as I can. A lovely plan, don’t you think? Tom best move out til after it is all over.

God, I am pathetic even by my own standards!

The only decent thing we did yesterday, was attend a chinese auction and meet this nice couple who we ended up liking a lot and found much in common with. They were perhaps slightly older than us, and I didn’t see the woman, who clearly had rheumatoid arthitis from the looks of her crumpled hands, get up once during the event. Her husband brought her food and coffee and such.

After it ended, we said “goodbye” and hurried off to our car. However, we got stuck in a crowd in the parking lot, and couldn’t move from our space for some time. It was then that we saw this couple, with her walking painstakingly and barely, holding on for dear life to her husband, as her arthritic limbs struggled to make it through the lot to the car next to ours. We greeted them once again and exchanged more good natured banter, and our hearts broke for her. We had no idea that she was disabled to this degree, and it certainly puts my complaints and tribulations in perspective!

In the only other only redeeming news of what I have done lately, is that I tried on all the rest of the basement clothes, including dozens of jeans in sizes huge to wedding weight. Many have now ended up in the garage sale pile, a dozen are now able to be worn and are proudly in my drawers, and the rest have been put back for if and when I lose more. Although given my current circumstances, this may be like 2042.

I was also pleased to find many other items that now fit, and have moved bigger things out to the garage and replaced these with nearly the last batch of smaller items. Mostly I fit 18’s and 20’s, with a few smaller 22’s in there for good measure. Not exactly Twiggy, but better than the mumus (or moo moos, perhaps) that I started with.

If I didn’t feel so yucko just now, I might be more properly inspired by the clothes thing, and it would likely be motivating me towards greater things. Perhaps this feeling will come back soon anyway, as I am tiring of being “bad” quicker than I had anticipated.

Let’s hope that I just needed to get this out of my system and sneak in one last rebellion before I hunker back down to business. Maybe. Right now I continue to feel as if I am in petulant brat mode, and perhaps need one last fling before I grow back up and become the more responsible, sensible adult that I think I am capable of.

I guess we’ll have to at least wait until after the DVR swap to know for sure, as I still know me well enough to know that if I must watch 92 straight hours of tv today, I can’t do this properly without at least SOME popcorn! And if this doesn’t sound bratty and like a whopper of an excuse, I don’t know what does!