Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 199.00 lbs.

For the moment, I feel as if the best I can do weight and diet wise, is tread water. I just don’t feel capable of great attention or diligence right now, and have been more lax as a result. I am hovering as I am prone to, but I am sure that this is my fault, and a manifestation of the liberties I am taking. Nothing too huge or horrible, but a little taste of “normalcy” where my Atkins like standards have been relaxed. Its not like I am eating donuts or candy or anything, but I have indulged in air popped popcorn, a pretzel or cheese nip or ten, some baked Lays that our friend brought over to go with the chicken dinners we ate together last night, and a bit too much of this or that. Mostly I am eating decent proteins and decently low carb items, but no longer exclusively. My rationale (or excuse or whatever you want to call it) is that I am both pmsing, and that I am entering into funky, stressful, face paced period where eating is likely to be happenstance and meal planning is likely to fall even further to the way side. Very “bad” reasons, I know, but how I get sometimes and difficult to argue against. When my stress and fussiness levels rise, my eating habits tend to deteriorate. Of course, this is probably the underlying makings of obesity and bad habits and one of the forces to be grappled with if I intent to be successful.

But, perhaps later…I just don’t have the focus or energy or motivation at this moment. The tide has taken me elsewhere for the time being, and I have chosen to let myself drift to sea a little on this one, rather than expend my energies swimming against the tide to shore. I hope that I am ok to believe that I can tread water and float awhile, and swim to shore later, when I feel more up to it. Unless I drown first…but I don’t see that happening. I will keep weighing daily and if I go back over 200, trust myself to clamp down harder before it heads more than a pound or two in the wrong direction.

I realize that although I am being very honest about my current emotional state, that it may sound horrifying to purists and a cop-out to those who maintain control and allow no excuses or breaks. I hope not to offend or alienate, but must be true to who and what and even where I am at at this moment. I feel I may snap if I push myself too much and expect perfection at a time when I am quite fragile and stressed out. The question to me is more one of whether I can find an acceptable balance now and then resume healthier habits later, when I am ready once again to focus this way. I think a break isn’t necessarily “fatal” if it remains just a break and not a lifestyle. With this as my mind set, I hope to move back forward again soon….

So, for now, I’m going to see where the tides take me, swim a little more into the deeper water, let the water dictate my direction rather than swimming against it, and see where I end up. For a day? A week? Until after the garage sale? When my period is over? If my weight goes into an unacceptable number or over 200?

I’m not sure at this moment, but trust I’ll know when I get there…and maintain faith in myself that I will renew my commitments and fortitude, at that time. And maybe, the only difference between me and you (many of you, anyway), is that my “break” is discussed and processed and publicized. And harder for me to take quietly and discreetly, as a result!

For good or bad…!