Necessary Mutilation

Weight 199.4  lbs.

God, there is so much sodium in everything! And yesterday, I must have consumed a salt licks worth. From the ham to some peanuts to salad dressing. I tried to make decently Atkins like choices, but even with lowered carbs, the sodium will get ya. This makes it harder for me to gauge how I am faring diet wise, because the salt bloats me and causes weight gain. So now I am not sure if I’ve crept up a little more due to the residual from my few bad days, or due to water retention from all the salt.

Either way, I can’t let myself creep back over 200 especially, as this would be particularily demoralizing. Not that any gain is fun, but there is just something about the demarkation of 200, that reperesents so much more. Which is good, because it is motivating me to try harder.

And, I am actually finding myself relieved to be back on better track, as after too much indulgence, it doesn’t really feel good at all. Rather, I end up feeling guilty, out of control and remorseful. This is the best reason why I should keep a decent and typical routine in my life. It seems that when allowed to stray as we have a day off or it is a holiday or something, I just can’t be trusted to not color so far out of the lines, that it retriggers that whole addictive mentality. It is like not being satisfied with just one potato chip or something. Tom and I both get whipped into this frenzy of “fun” whereby both of us seem to lose all perspective and focus on reality. In this way, we are terrible for each other, and fuel one another’s bad choices.

I think I will need to be more mindful of the “landmines” ahead, as he is off for a week soon for spring break (although yesterday he learned that he still has to drive the school bus in the early morning, as he carries one out of district student whose spring break is this week, not then). This week coincides with his birthday week, and I too am off on that Monday and Friday. Then, it will be my birthday (in June), and he will be done with school/work altogether. He is off all summer, and there is something about a husband sitting home while I am off working, that either makes me want to ply him with projects, or join him in “vacationing”. I will try to do more of the former and less of the latter, this summer! Plus we have our July cottage rental to look forward to, and this is just the wholesome, healthy vacation opportunity we have been hoping for. Instead of a gambling junket or whatever, this year we are doing nature…where there is hope for true emotional replenishment and even weight loss!

So, as you can see, we are trying together to fight our mutual addictive and compulsive demons. Today Tom also announced that he worked out extra hard downstairs, and is going to try harder to eat better on a daiily basis. Although not fat, he is overweight and on several meds for things like cholestrol and hypertension, and can absolutely stand to eat better. In fact, he eats so carby, that if it were my diet, I’d weight 500 lbs. by now. And besides worrying about him, I hate being exposed everyday to his horrible yet tasty and temptingly delicious (albeit evil!) food choices…like pastas and bagels and the incredibly delicious smelling Sahlen’s hot dog he cooked at 7:00 last night while I was busy drinking a protein shake!

So, are we addicts, a resounding “yes”! Do I suffer from a compulsive, ocd-like temperment where it is hard for me to resist certain futile behaviors and patterns, another huge “yes”. Does all this fuel unhealthy thoughts and choices at times, and lead to occassional relapses and sabotage, “absolutely”. But, can I be mindful of all of this, admit my areas of vulnerability and try and work with them, also a big “yes.” Especially if I take honest inventory, and recognize my triggers…something I am always preaching to my clients about whatever their areas of difficulty are.

So for today, I am subscribing to the “teacher, teach thyself” philosophy, and renewing my efforts again, to do better. And hope that my beloved partner in crime opts to do the same, as frankly, this too would help a lot.