Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 199.2 lbs.

I want my clavicles to show. I think that woman with pronounced bones in their chests look so sexy and nice, and this enhances their overall appearance. Mine remain buried under flab, although I am starting to at least be able to feel them if I try. My hip and butt bones, too. I wonder how much I have to lose to have obvious clavicles. Perhaps I’ll make this my next goal, after 188 (marriage weight) and 182 (what I weighed after 14 months on Atkins back in approx. 2000).

Sigh…one goal at a time.

I imagine that it will take me some time to reach Tom’s current weight (193), and this comes first. I am losing like an ounce a day, so it may take a while… ha ha! It sure feels good to see my AVERAGE below 200 on a daily basis now, though.

Last night, I watched a tape of Ruby where she is singularily focused on getting below 300 (and started this episode at 328 lbs., I believe.) It was so endearing and enlightening to watch her try so many different things (her therapist recommends that she change-up 5 things in her life) to lose the 10 lbs. she does by the end of the episode. I’m not sure how much time this represents in real time, but I am quite sure that she is losing faster than me. Hell, Twiggy probably would lose faster than me if she were put on a diet!

Anyway, I do love Ruby and her show, and derive inspiration from her struggles and honesty. I see how her diligence and hard work is paying off, but also love how she lives so fully and appreciates the joys of everyday life along the way.

I have been thinking in terms of a children’s book on death that I often use with clients. It is called “Lifetimes”, and is very sweet and succinct. Repeatedly, its message is that “there is birth and there is death, and there is living in between.” I have been walking around thinking in terms of: “there is fat and there is skinny, and their is diligence in between.” And that there is everyday life to live and experience and enjoy and struggle through as the weight loss process unfolds, and it is healthy to maintain this focus so as not to get caught up in either just the FAT or the SKINNY parts. There truly is living in between, and for now,  as spring is coming in earnest and there is much to do and focus on, I am busy doing just this, and trusting that the rest will follow.  And, there is actually so much more that I now can enjoy and participate in, I am that much more thrilled for the spring, and feel the good energy that comes from knowing I will be out there moving and playing more and harder, and “living in between.” I don’t have to have reached the top of the mountain to be happy or fulfilled, and can still live with gusto and health while I continue to climb at whatever pace works and I am up to. Sure, 130 would be great, but in the mean time, 199 is ok too, and I can diet and struggle and still live and be happy, as these are not mutually exclusive concepts.

And I really do believe that the rest, including my clavicles, will follow!