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Weight: 197.7 lbs.
I don’t think that I slept a wink last night. It is just after 4:30 a.m. and my skin is crawling as I write this. I finally threw in the towel on trying to sleep, after buzzing all night. Zoe was here past dark, and we helped her every step of the way with unloading, organizing, pricing, fussing. The trailer took about an hour or two to fold up, hitch and remove, but Dennis and the new owner mostly did this.
Anyway, by the time Zoe finally left after we couldn’t even see anymore to work outside, Debbie showed up with nearly a dozen bagels from Panera Bread, as she had won a batch of bagels a month (plus schmears!) for a year at a Chinese Auction a few months ago, and didn’t want to waste this month’s freebies. She thought (correctly) that “we” could enjoy them during the garage sale, so now we have some breakfast stuff for our “guests”. They were to have been gotten and eaten (by everyone but me) at Pete’s Sunday brunch last weekend, but that had been cancelled.
Anyway, after Debbie left, I talked until nearly 10:00 to my cousin last night, about everything garage sale, life and etc. By the time we hung up, I was that much more overstimulated. And somewhere in the mix, I did catch up with Janet who I’ve been worried about, and learned of how she is faring so far, given some health issues.
I can’t remember dinner, but I think I scarfed up some leftover shrimp cocktail before Zoe arrived minutes after I got home.
I did eat crap at work both before and after my Social Skills Group, however. I was drawn to the popcorn and Dorito snacks, and munched away as I set them up and as I did my paperwork into the early evening. Not an excuse perhaps, but yesterday was a uniquely stressful and fast paced day at work, and I was freaked for much of it. I was walking in the front sliding doors when the “big boss” waylaid me, and hushedly escorted me into a private area to say that “we are being audited!”. The State (DDSO) had shown up unexpectedly, and were hunkered down in the counseling suite as we spoke, reviewing charts and such! And one of my clients charts had been requested! Eeep!
Long story short, after tiptoeing around and trying to look professional and competent in their intimidating presence, they left rather early, and I heard that we passed with flying colors! But, what stress in between!
Needless to say, everything from this, threats of rain, the shear task of doing, and the many details to recall, are driving me to the brink here. Last night in bed, and perhaps partly a result of the half and half coffee I drank liberally while working outside, my night went like this: Wide awake. Overstimulated. I MUST sleep…god only knows I won’t be getting any sleep the next few days. C’mon, sleep already!! I wonder if I made a sign for the (fill in the blank). What if it rains?! Scratch, cough, scratch. Hmmm..maybe I should bring up the (fill in blank) and sell it too. Oh, I forgot to follow up with (fill in blank)…I wonder if they are coming. Scratch. Layout driveway in my head. I wonder what stuff (so and so) is bringing. Maybe I should buy Nancy’s table. Oh, I forgot to (fill in blank). I hope its not too hard to set the canopies up. What time did Marlene say that she was coming over. Turn, scratch, turn. Crap, it’s after midnnight. I’m gonna be worthless for my poor clients tomorrow. Must sleep!! Oh, I’ve got to remember to write that I can’t blog from Friday to Sunday so people on NM don’t wonder what’s become of me. Maybe I’ll die of sleep deprivation and never write again…! What time should I set the alarm for on Friday? What time does it get light, anyway. Scratch. Geez, my hips hurt. I hope we have enough (fill in the blank) for everyone. Oh, that reminds me! Tom has to get all the chairs out of the shed so people have something to sit on! I hope there’s enough time tomorrow to get everything done. Ack, now its 3:30!! Did I even sleep…?! Shit, I may as well get up!!!
And I am the counselor!?
Let’s hope for a saner (and skinnier) me on Monday! “See” you all then!
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Weight: 197.9 lbs.
I am stressed to the point of hardly sleeping, and its only Wednesday. No doubt I will be toast come Monday, at which point the work week will be starting back up.
Why, oh why, do I take on such projects?!
Yesterday, Zoe called me like 800 times to tell me that she was getting a bazillion calls on the pop-up she put on craigslist, and it sold by early morning. Now it will not be here for the garage sale after all, as the new owner is coming tonight to haul it away. Lets hope it goes easier than getting it onto our lawn! Cripes- Zoe coulda just sold it straight off her own lawn if she had any idea what a hot commodity a camper would be! But this would have made too much sense.
Also, I made the mistake to itemize some of the bigger items that are in the sale, and now Zoe’s tent has also sold and won’t be in the sale, and someone came over last night from work, to look at Nancy’s bikes. Plus, another co-worker is buying Zoe’s lawnmower before Friday. And Barb may buy the grill. At this rate, there will be nothing left for the garage sale!
Tonight Zoe and Dennis are retuning to help move the trailer, as well as to finish setting up stuff in their tent. Supposedly they are bringing a new load of stuff as well. I will arrive after them as I have to work late, and just know that I will end up in their tent the rest of the night, fussing over their stuff anf helping out. Although admittedly I do enjoy this, I am stressed by how time is flying, and becoming unsure already how to fit in simple things, like meals!
Then, Thursday I am getting out by 2:00, and Marlene is due at 3:00 with her booty; Barb and her mother are coming to shop as Barb can’t make it on Friday or Saturday after all; Zoe is due back for final prep.; and whoever else I said could, is likely coming to also get a head start. As the “doors” open so early on Friday, I will also be busy with last minute prep. and fussiness.
I am already feeling caught up in something much bigger than me, and going along for the ride. In case it hasn’t been obvious so far, I am not a flexible person by nature, and I tend to become very anxious and ocd-like under stress or when change is at hand. I am half way enroute to Mars as I write this, despite every effort to work with myself and think karmic thoughts.
This should be an interesting social experiment on the effects of having a massive garage sale on post-bariatric eating, and I already fear the worst. I am craving crap, and think I might eat just about anything that crossed my path about now. Last night, between many garage sale related phone calls and the bike guy, I actually slurped Tom’s leftover spaghetti sauce up, straight from the pan, as an appetizer. And I’m not sure if it would be called being good or bad, that I din’t eat any of the spaghetti with it. Maybe wierd, is the best adjective.
I then went on to eat shrimp cocktail, left over steamed broccoli, then strawberries with light whipped cream. I expect that I got tons of antioxidents, lycopene and whatever it is that cruciferous veggies give you, which is good, but what a strange dinner, even by my standards. And, I doubt that I got in enough protein for the day, as I hardly had any for breakfast (a cheese stick) or “lunch” (drawer food).
And, given that its only Wednesday, I figure that by Sunday, when its all winding down, I will either be dead or laughing hysterically, and either fatter still, or wasted away from the stress, energy expenditure, or lack of good nutrition. And, since I probably will not have a moment to blog here during this weekend, starting Friday, you’ll just have to wait until Monday to see which it is!
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Weight: 198.3 lbs.
Well, I managed to GAIN weight on both weigh in day, and my anniversary of surgery. Bummer…but a sign of my relative laxity of late as my focus has shifted from monitoring my food intake, to monitoring junk as we get closer to the big sale date. My inner and outer life is chaotic, as friends seem to be arriving daily with loads of new stuff that we are squeezing into every nook and cranny, and parking and walking around as they take up prime space on various parts of our property. Yesterday Zoe and her husband brought over the pop-up camper, and it took TOM nearly 45 minutes to park it properly on our lawn. Marlene was also slated to come with a load of her own, but cancelled at the last minute…which was merciful actually, as the other stuff Zoe brought last night has taken every square inch of space up anyway. However, Marlene is still due, along with more of Zoe, and others who’d like a head start….
It is interesting that for such a neat and organized person like myself, I am actually getting off on the chaos and disorder at the moment. Maybe because I know that this is short lived and its other people’s crap. Or because it is rather fun and exciting, like a cross between a sale, a bazaar (or in this case, bizarre fits as well!), a party and a reunion. In fact, I talked yesterday with a woman I have not seen for upwards of a year, who will also be joining us. Molly is a sweet older woman who volunteers for Compeer as Tom and I do, and she called to give her estimated arrival time etc. I think that I invited everyone on the planet to join in the fray, and some actually accepted!
Anyway, if you dislike garage sales, this must be very boring and trite for you. My actiual point here has more to do with the chaotic lifestyle we are now living, and the effect of this on my choices and planfulness. And although just yesterday I wrote that such things are no excuse for poor choices, I am contradicting myself now by indicating that it sorta is…for my addled way of functioning, anyway. And, I suspect that it will only get worse as the week progresses, and certainly, the actual days of the sale. It will likely be a zoo here, and if I can manage to smash a cheese stick or munchie in my face every once in a while between set-up and customers and hangin’ with the “company”, I will not likely care one iota whether it is made of wholesomeness or carbs. I hate to admit and say this, but I am just being realistic. I have stocked up on cheese sticks, yogurt, nuts and whole wheat pita wraps for lean turkey sandwiches…and will TRY to be good this way, but if munchies are cracked open, a pizza is ordered, or crap is flowing, I am making no hardcore promises.
So…if you live locally and would like to join in the fun, shop, watch me freak, or slap me when I reach for the chips, here’s your big chance. And even if you don’t, you know that you’ll be stuck hearing all about it here every step of the way. And it’s only Tuesday…!
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Weight: 197.4 lbs.
OK, so I’m a little early…better this than late! To be exact, April 28th is my 1 year surgiversary, but I prefer to celebrate early. I hope that you will join me in the festivites. There will be no fattening foods, fanfare or gathering, but I will accept kudos and congratulations via this site. I feel as if I have made a lot of special friends along the way, and would love if each of you said something about your own year in concert with mine, and let us know how you are doing on your own journeys.
I must say that my year has been full of challenges as well as triumphs, and that I didn’t really appreciate just how both hard and rewarding this all could be while learning about things beforehand. I suppose that it is rather like having children - you really can’t know what you are in for despite everything you may hear, until you are in the mix yourself. Besides, we all know that my defense mechanisma are such that I only heard what I wanted to (and sometimes still do) beforehand.
But, here’s what I think that I know now:
1)I am an idiot who must test every theory first before I make any changes or commit to things. I am prone to even challenging known theories and drawing outside danger lines under the misguided assumption that despite something never having worked before, that this time, perhaps it will. Like believing that I may actually lose weight when I am eating too much or too poorly. (It doesn’t work, btw!)
2)Although my weight has gone down (106+ lbs. to be exact) as has my overall measurements, I am still fat - obese, in fact. I cannot rest on my laurels and consider this process “done” - not now, and not ever. One does not get cured from an eating addiction and can never risk living like a “normal” person or believing that they have conquered their demons forever.
3)My degree of denial and acceptance of #2 waxes and wanes. One day I may embrace this concept fully and live by its guidelines, and another, I am back to defenses of minimization, denial and rebellion.
4)I have probably lost slower than most post gastric bypassers because I eat too much and have never really followed the rules strictly, and if in fact my appetite has been suppressed by surgery, I have not done enough to allow myself to feel the full effects of the restriction to experience things as I should. Only the five day pouch test AND conscious effort to listen carefully to my pouch and slow my eating down, will correct this. My adherence to these guidelines has been spotty at best.
5)I’ve gotten myself into this mess, and only I can get myself out.
6)Vacations, holidays, deaths and stressors are not cause to loosen the reigns and cash in on the “eat all you want, you deserve it” card. Although I certainly have.
7)Exercise actually makes you feel LESS depressed, achey and stressed, so that these reasons for NOT exercising do not hold water.
8)Although I generally FEEL healthy and am off all my medications, what I eat still determines the actual degree of well being and health status that I have, and I could develop or redevelop all the same diseases and problems that I used to have and more, if I make poor choices eating and exercise wise…just like anyone. Gastric bypass and the weight that I have lost does not protect me from the cumulative effects of sugars and other toxic substances, and just like everyone in society, these should be limited or eliminated for good.( And Icees are not just fluff with a little syrup, and therefore hardly count as “food”!)
9)Support, whether from friends, a support group, on-line cohorts or chat groups, is a critical component of ensuring that one is not caught up in an endless circle of incorrect perspective, “stinkin’ thinkin’, or denial.
10)Debra is always right and deserves to be everyone’s conscience!
And this having been said, here’s the pictures I know you’ve all been waiting for…or that I have been dying to post, anyway!
Me at 304 and before the journey began.
Me now (well, a few days ago) at about 198. In front of the garage sale tent in our driveway.
Another:
Front, back, side (Alfred Hitchcock like)
Here’s my fat clothes waiting for sale in our garage:
So, there you have my wisdom, poses, clothes and crappy picture taking and posting skills, all in one blog! Aren’t you glad its not my (almost) anniversay every day!?
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Weight: 197.8 lbs.
Well, I am a few days away from my one year anniversary since surgery. For us gastric bypassesers, this seems to be a momentous occassion, as I’ve read others write glowing testimonials on places like obesityhelp etc. I can’t believe that a whole year has gone by, as it still feels like much more recently that I was planning the surgery and agonizing over the process.Either tomorrow, if not on the actual anniversary day itself (Wednesday), I will do a special post complete with some pics. I am thinking I might do this a little early as I will have more time to enjoy the process tomorrow than on a work day.
Right now, I remain focused on other matters, including my friends’ well being and the garage sale. There is not much new word on the former, and as to the latter, Zoe and Dennis spent much of the day here yesterday filling their tent and fussing over their stuff. Today they are bringing over their pop-up tent camper, and we have arranged with our neighbor whose property borders ours, to have them set it up there. It will actually be sitting on their lawn for over a week, so it was nice that they are ok with this. In addition, Zoe is bringing over two lawn mowers and other large stuff that may or may not fit in her tent, so it is getting increasingly crowded around here. Yesterday we picked up a load of stuff from other friends in the city, including a Queen Anne’s chair and bikes and an end table.
While we were all out working in the tent and garage yesterday, some people actually stopped by to shop! Including a mother and grown daughter who said that they go to all of our sales, read about it on Craig’s list, thought it was today, and wondered if they could take a peek. They spent $16, and we made our first sales! Ha Ha!!
They also assured me that they would be back, as there is obviously way more to come as additional families join in the fray. Please pray for sunshine!
Also today, I have noticed that my sleep pants have been falling down on me, so I measured my waist, and see that I am down another inch or two, I believe. I am now at just under 38 inches, which although big, is a new low for me. Although I would have liked to have posted a greater loss weight and inch wise at my year anniversary, and remain aware that many others do way better, I am trying hard not to compare myself to anyone other than ME, as doing otherwise just serves to depress and demoralize me.
And speaking of me, I must move on to other things early today. Zoe is due back with more stuff soon and there remains much to do, and I have an arrangement with my brother to have him walk me through the steps needed so that I can watch Ruby on-line. The link that I had tried did not work other than to allow for small clips of her show, and I need to watch whole episodes to see how she is faring in every way on her journey. I’d hate to miss everything and find that she got skinny without me knowing it. It would be like you skipping this blog for like a year, only to sign back in in 2011 and find that I now weigh 120 lbs., am a marathon runner, a spokesperson for all things healthy, and well balanced emotionally.
Ha Ha! If only…!
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Weight: 198.4 lbs.
Well, I am more on track physically and emotionally now, and found myself pretty “normal” energyand concentration wise yesterday. I tackled a lot of things I had neglected all week, including laundry, the garage, my morning exercise routine and organization. Tom and I even went to a few garage sales and enjoyed the nice weather, which in itself was invigorating and heatening. We did argue and fuss at each other while working side by side in the garage most of the afternoon, however, and I am reminded once again that this whole project is hardly worth it and that I must never consider such a project ever again! And I am certain that Tom will second this motion!
But, things are finally looking way up as far as having pulled stuff together goes, both garage sale and focus wise. I ate much better and more moderately yesterday, with guilt and caution as my reminder that I must do better. The recent you tube video that Debra had suggested in which the virtues of doing good are highlighted, also inspired me and reminded me that it sure does feel better at day end to be able to reflect on having done well, than to feel weighed down (no pun intended!) by remorse from another blown day.
So, why the grim title for today? Well, despite things going better on this end, I have an eye over my shoulder on the lives of two close friends who seem to be going through their own difficulties right now. In fact, our a.m. brunch at Pete’s has been cancelled as one friend’s mother has just been hospitalized and is in the CCU, and the other is herself in great and chronic pain with something she is convinced is cancer. She has been visiting specialists and having tests, with more to come this week. Her condition and belief that what she has is serious, is quite concerning, and I am sad and worried for both friends now. By comparison, Tom and I are actually doing better now.
I guess that we can only control the small slice of life that is ours to manage, and at times may find ourselves subject to forces and problems far bigger than us. For now, I will remain as true to my mission for taking personal care as best I can…and hope that this too allows me energy and resiliency to help my friends and be available for others who are not able to be as fortunate. And, as the old saying goes, we truly can’t help others unless we help ourselves…and this,at least, I CAN do.
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Weight: 199.2 lbs.
I ate like a maniac at yesterday’s pot luck at work, and left a trail of crumbs and guilt that led into the evening. I nibbled on leftovers that I rebowled and served to colleagues at our evening staff meeting, and am surprised that I didn’t go into shock or something from all the carbs I ingested. I HAD to try some of everything that every co-worked brought, and then try it some more later to be sure that I really liked it the first time.
I am playing with fire and am lucky I didn’t get more burned weight wise, yet. I MUST stop this nonsense before I creep back to 200. I had Tom take some shots of me in preparation for posting my year anniversary blog here next week, and can’t believe how fat I still look. I feel disgusted with myself at the moment, and am gearing up to rebel against my rebellion, and take measures to take stock. How’s that for a fancy way of saying that I am committing once more to do better.
Last night I got home from work around 7:30, and denied myself dinner due to my day’s indulgences. Plus, I had to call a friend whose mother is , and by the time I was able to hunker down for the evening, it was quite late. Tom and I watched a taped episode of Family Guy together, caught up on our respective days, and then he went to bed.
And I stayed up and watched Marley and Me. Alone. Like I prefer when I know that something may be a tear jerker. Tom is also too sentimental and sensitive to watch anything maudlin, let alone a movie about a dog who ultimately dies from stomach torsion, as one of his did years ago. I can’t stand crying in front of people or being vulnerable, so I try to stay away from situations that may provoke tears in public and especially anything animal as this is my weakest spot.
And I cried my face off for Marley and for Mom and for the injustices of life and for the inevitability of death and for everything and anything sad that has every happened in my life and in the world.
And I feel better today. I may even have found the balance and clarity that I have been seeking all week. (Although my eyes hurt!)
And maybe this is just what the doctor ordered, and I owe it all to a very bad yellow lab and Verizon Fios for giving us free HBO to make up for all our complaints.
And for this, I guess the traumatic switch to Fios may just have been worth it after all.
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Weight: 199,7 lbs…!
The fact that I gained a few pounds (!) since a day or two ago is quite disconcerting and not helping my general state of self pity, dysphoria and grumpiness any. On the other hand, I have to see this in perspective and chuckle despite my misery, as I see that it is still nearly a hundred pound loss since yesterday, as astute reader Debra pointed out in the comments. LOL…then cry!
For some reason, I have entered into a state of utter irritability whereby all of my organs and senses are effected as described in the title. I am not sure what the hell is the matter with me except perhaps stress and a sense of restlessness about my own bad choices and wasted energy and time. I desperately need to focus and get back on track in every way, yet seem to have entered this disconcerting zone where I can’t seem to think straight enough to get anything accomplished or tackle everyday issues with proper composure or logic. Instead my skin is crawling, I wander around with a sense that I am forgetting something, I spin my wheels and am anti-productive, and I feel restless, grumpy and confused. I have so much to actually do that I can’t afford to be wasting time and energy like this, but this thought only adds to my feelings of disquiet and frustration, rather than helping me mobilize myself.
Today I work late into the evening and have lots to present at our staff meeting, so I MUST get back on my toes. My counseling sessions and general work performance has been spotty lately, and if I were my own boss, I would have let myself go this week!
I still have not resumed working out, and know that I need to for the good effect that this usually has on energy and blood flow. I hope to pull myself together to do so tomorrow, and I should be off, so will have more time. Last night I felt so guilty not going for a walk or something, as it remained beautiful out and Tom even asked if I’d walk with him. But, I was stewing in my juices and depleted from the day, and said something like “mmmphhh” instead, and drooled some more in front of the tv.
It is promising to be another beautiful day out, so I really hope to do better. I even would like to catch a garage sale or two over the weekend if possible, as these usually cheer me up. But for now, I am feeling so mopey, I haven’t even checked the paper to see what’s out there. Plus, I fight with myself constantly about how to best use my time, and “playing” isn’t exactly on my list of approved or earned options right now.
The other thing possibly eating at me, is financial. Tom’s car needs much work, and I have felt concern about all the expenses looming as a result, plus, I am angry because much of it should have been tended to before his warranty expired in February, as it would have been covered in full before that time. But because he didn’t get to it, despite having symptoms for a long time, we now must bear the full burden of cost. This comes at an otherwise difficult time as our credit card is due in full or it will start to accumulate interest (it has been at zero percent interest all year), and we owe a hefty amount by June to avoid this. All of this plus several medical expenses have tipped our financial scales, and I regret the playing we did earlier in the month that has now left us with even more difficult decisions to make as to the best ways to tend to all that is on our plate. Perhaps the garage sale will generate a few good bucks towards things….
Lastly, I am chagrined at my own fluctuating motivation and fits and starts diet and self care wise. I continue to be more lax with myself than I should be (although not enough to justify my few lb. weight gain, I don’t think!). Today we have a pot luck at work, and Saturday we have a brunch at Pete’s house. I continue to be exposed to foods and opportunities to make excuses to eat them, around every corner. In the past I managed these temptations better much of the time, and I am upset with myself that I seem to have fallen off the wagon and don’t seem to care anymore. I am not being horrible, mind you, but certainly I am not following any particular plan, diet or rules of conduct, either. I know that in order to rebalance everything else in my thinking and feelings, I must gain control this way as well. Plus, as my stomach has been shot lately which isn’t helping any, I need to treat my body better even in the short term, if I hope to find my way back.
So…there is lots I must tend to, making my tangible list look paltry compared to my emotional list of things to do.
I will try not to feel as overwhelmed by all this, take smaller bites perhaps, and go for it.
SIGH….!
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Weight: 297.8 lbs.
My head is fuzzy and I can’t seem to get organized internally or externally. I’m not sure if this is a factor of the issues and feelings generated by this difficult week, or if I am just overly stressed, getting depressed, in a funk, or all four. I keep forgetting things, feel off kilter in every way, am profoundly unmotivated to work out, accomplish things on my lists, eat right or even get up in the morning. I hanker to have endless time to just sit and read a good book. I yearn to immerse myself in someone elses life, while taking a break from my own for a while. I’m not sure if I need an hour, a day or a week, but I feel a desperate need to refuel, revitalize and rebalance. I am a strong introvert, and often when I get feeling something like this, it is becasue I am emotionally depleted, and need some alone and down time to reboot my system.
I’m not sure if this will suffice this time around, but fear that I won’t have a chance to find out anyway, given the demands of the day(s). Also, the big garage sale is just around the corner now, and there is much to do yet. I have managed to place ads in all 3 papers and post on craigslist etc., but signs still must be made, stuff put out and priced, tables set up, friends things brought by and fussed over, drinks and snack items purchased etc. As this “event” is a cross between a garage sale and a party, I am stressing about details that encompass both. Every time I have one of these, I say to anyone who will listen that they better never let me think of doing such a thing again, and to bludgeon me on the spot if I even consider it. Once again, death by blunt force trauma would have been more merciful than what I have gotten myself into - especially given how weary I am feeling. For the 2 cents a hour that this is likely to generate after labor for a thousand hours is factored in, it can hardly be worth it. I am trying to look at it as a divestment of old belongings, including most of my fattest clothes, and feel liberated by this, but this hasn’t quite inspired me yet. Perhaps later….
And speaking of fat clothes, I will be back wearing these soon (except that they will all have been sold or donated!) if I don’t get back on track diet and exercise wise. Guilt about this is playing on me too and in the mix of other unresolved emotions, and isn’t helping any. I am trying to pull a Nike (and just do it), but haven’t quite succeeded in the motivation arena. Yesterday I ate sloppily and poorly, basically grabbing at the first things to cross my path whenever I had a free moment. I worked a long and depleting day and only ate bits and bites as I could between session, but still managed to make poor choices, like leftover cheez-its and bagged popcorn. The cheez-it indulgence began after a late client came in famished and asked if I had any food in my room to tide him over til dinner, and all I could find were the groups cheez crackers. After he ate his fill and left, I just HAD to eat the rest while doing paperwork. Clearly, I can’t have such things in my vicinity, especially when in the state I’ve been in.
So, although I am aware of the dark state I seem to be entering, and despite my Master’s degree in such things, this doesn’t necessarily translate into the kind of wisdom or action that heals. At least not instantly. But, like always, I will trudge towards the light and hope to feel its warmth in time…. And if nothing more, I’ll at least try to fake it for Tom’s sake in the mean time.
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Weight: 197.2 lbs.
No one ever said that life is easy. I think that the best that any of us can hope for is to be surrounded by the love and support of good people to help when the going gets rough. For this, Tom and I are extremely grateful. He has experienced an outpouring of comfort and kindness, and was kept busy with numerous phone calls from family and friends all day yesterday. He has decided to stay put and focus on eventually planning a memorial locally for his mother. This is on hold for now however, as one of his sisters is facing surgery and wants to travel here for it, but is currently unsure of her status and ability. There is no hurry any longer, and Tom has been advised to lay low for now. There will be a small service in Iowa tomorrow, I believe, but there is no real need for Tom’s presence as it is largely for the nursing home folks, local family and their friends to attend.
This has uncomplicated our lives logistically speaking, but emotionally speaking, things remain heightened and complex. No matter your age or relationship with family, losing a mother is a big deal, and although Tom is doing well, he is notably somber and pensive, which for an outgoing man like him, spells grief stricken. He is doing his usual things however, and has already left this morning for his bus run. I am also off to work soon, and other than working out, am doing what I “should” be. We are almost upset to have “nothing” special we need to do, as this seems unusual in the face of such a loss. Even the calls he made to local friends and family had been made already by his local sister. We do wish that we were in Iowa to be more supportive and helpful to his brother and sister-in-law, who have the opposite “problem” as they are faced with all of the responsibilities that death entails. They are even having the Buffalo obituary placed via the Iowa funeral home, while tending to a hundred other painful details and needs. I do believe that although difficult, there is some good reason and point to keeping busy and focused in such a way, as personally speaking, I feel most impotent, shiftless and uncomfortable doing NOTHING whatsoever to be helpful, involved or to channel my emotions. I’m not sure if Tom feels it as acutely, but he seems rather confused and shiftless as well.
Eating wise, I guess that I have been disinterested, and distracted, and as a result, seem to have lost back what I recently gained, and then some. If only I could have such a casual attitude about food all the time! It is wierd how it has been an after thought lately, as even in past times of stress, it has been my primary source of stress relief and comfort.
So for now I am going with this flow and hope it continues…while doing what I need to to keep busy and active with typical routines and responsibilities. Tom too, and he even kept his early eye appointment yesterday, just an hour after learning of his mother’s passing. This was partly because the eye center didn’t open early enough for me to cancel, and when they were still closed after he got home from his morning shift, he decided that it was best that he do what was necessary as there was nothing more to do or say regarding his mother anyway. I think that there is some comfort from going on in this way if one is able, and it reinforces the old saying that “life is for the living,” I guess.
Which is what we intend to go on doing to the best of our abilities. And with thanks to the many who have provided support and solace and wisdom and comfort along the way!
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April 29th, 2010 | 
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