Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 200.3 lbs.

Although I HAVE crept back up over the almighty 200 mark, I am surprisingly ok with this. I find it rather comical and even symbolic of my overall journey, and am better this week at taking things in stride than last week when I was busy feeling all grumpy and out of sorts. I also know that I have been no angel lately, and yesterday ate more than I should have and usually do. We had good friends over for brunch, and feasted on eggs with ample veggies, cheese and such in them, sausage, bacon, bagels with shmears, and lots of fruit (cantalope, pineapple and strawberries with a homemade dipping sauce that Dorothy brought from Rochester). Anyway, I did eat some of everything except the bagels, but drooled over these just the same and merely sharing space with them made me feel all carby and hungry. I probably overdid it on everything else to compensate, including the fruit which was quite succulent.

Then, even after company left in the late afternoon, I felt atypically hungry and munchy, no doubt as a result of the carbs and having been whipped into a food focused frenzy. You know…that feeling and the appetite that comes from knowing that special foods are within reach, you’ve already blown it, and the obsession has kicked back in. I was quick to power down my leftover souvlaki AND the leftover breakfast eggs and bacon as soon as the guests had left, and then later, added canned peanuts to the equation. This was as much about the munchies and psychological hunger as anything “real”, but I felt that old overpowering compulsion that I was too weak to resist.

The promise I made to myself however, was that I would de-carb. today to make up for it and get back on track, and I  plan to do like a one day pouch test thing to see if this works to get my mind and system back on track. ‘Cause once those old carb munchies get a grip, they can be hellacious to conquer otherwise, and I need to eradicate this quickly or I fear that I will stay on the nether side of 200 for good!

So, I do hope to do just protein shakes and liquids today…and believe that as it is likely to be a lower key day than the last few hectic ones, that I have a fair chance to succeed.

I am somewhat chagrined by how little it takes for me to be tempted back off balance however, and need still to remember that I have not won the war by any means, although I may have slayed a few dragons and climbed a few hills along the way. Just the same, the “enemy” remains out there and is well armed, and I need to envision how powerful his weapons are and how quickly he can overtake me if I stray into his territory. This is a sobering image and disheartening in some ways, but  reality I beleive that I must learn to understand and accept. I don’t think the enemy ever retreats or is fought off all together, for anyone, although perhaps some have figured out how to relegate him to the outer reaches where he is less seen or heard from. My enemy remains near and ready for immediate battle however, and it is best I know this. Maybe someday he won’t be so ominous…but not yet.

On this happy note, I have already worked out extra hard (and on level 5 incline on the treadmill!), and it is time for my shake of a breakfast.

Yum…I think!