Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 201.5 lbs.

I may be feeling better…and said this to myself even before I weighed this morning. I began to feel less achey and miserable yesterday, and by evening, felt as if I had my usual amount of energy and enthusiasm. On the other hand, I wonder if this relates to having made it through another work week (I am off again today), and the relief that ensues. Tom recently expressed concern that I have seemed more depressed and anxious lately, and although surprised to hear this on one hand, I’m not terribly shocked, on the other. I do agree that I have not felt “right” both physically and emotionally for a little while, and some symptoms mimic depression, as I recall it from the past. But, I don’t think they qualify (yet) for a full blown diagnosis, as they aren’t consistent or persistent, and as I said, I do have days and time of feeling typical and in better balance. I am hoping that today will be one of them.

What I have noticed is a creeping sense of feeling more challenged and overwhelmed by simple things lately, and actually avoiding or putting tasks off. This is not usually like me. I think that I have been spending more time vegetating in front of the tv than being productive, other than when there are already scheduled activities or events to perform or attend. Left to my own devices, I am feeling incredibly lazy, despite that there is much to do. As I think of the spring with all of its new responsibilities and opportunities, I actually feel anxious and upset, and wish it weren’t coming so fast as I feel completely unprepared to pick up the pace. I believe that I usually am excited around this time of year, and begin to welcome the changes and events that spring brings…so I am slightly worried that I feel so down at this time. On the other hand, I may have bit off more than I can chew by having orchestrated the collosal garage sale that we are having in early May, along with several other things that have booked us up and will keep us hopping for a while. But even everyday events at times are feeling like dread, and I rather wish to just be left alone and drool in front of the idiot box.

I do hope this is just a passing phase and perhaps related to a flare up of arthiritis or something. I have noticed in the past that when I feel yucky joint and muscle wise at the same time, it may be a physical rather than emotional thing, and perhaps is rheumatoid arthiritis (which I was diagnosed with a very long time ago) kicking up. If this is so, historically it passes on its own and I just need to ride it out. Or, perhaps it is some wierd hormonal thing. But either way, feeling like this isn’t new for me, and my first instinct is to ignore it and hope the kinks work themselves out in time. Often they do.

I did skip my workouts both yesterday and the day before, but have already done my thing this morning. I feel more limber and slightly less blobby, so had no excuse not to. It should be interesting to see if my weight fluctuates according to these other improvements…and if so, perhaps there is hope that I will start losing in earnest, someday this year!

I am trying to stay “good’ despite it all, although my approach to food has been as “lazy” and happenstance as my other habits lately, and I haven’t given my meals much forethought or have eaten planfully at all. I seem to be existing on desk (at work) and finger foods from the fridge (ie: cheese sticks). I did eat some strawberries yesterday, and they made me happy.

Otherwise, I am bored by myself and have little else to say…so need not bore you too. But, I guess that this isn’t such a bad state to be in, given the opposite of boring, so for now, I’ll run with it!