Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 202.4 lbs.

Yesterday I had  9 cheez-its. And 2 mini pretzels. The fact that I ate them in the context of having provided the snacks for the Wednesday social skills group that I run, is no excuse. But it does explain their availability, and the weakness of my will at this time.

Through the group, I watched my clients crunch and munch and enjoy these and other snacks, and thought how odd it is that I can never really eat like this again or feel any sense of enjoyment and abandon if I were to do so. I didn’t eat  them during the group, but beforehand when I was setting up and in charge of putting out the snacks. The temptation wasn’t during and in fact watching others was sobering somehow - it was before, when I was alone with them and could do as I pleased.

Do I regret breaking my “run” over a cheez-it or 9? Yes and no. I’m not losing anyway, so part of me feels snipey about this, and figures, what the hell. On the other hand, I am aware that the mixture of higher fat Atkin’s foods and pure carbs isn’t good for diet or health, and must be avoided if I care to succeed in either.

I was otherwise “good” yesterday…you know, the usual eggs, salad, broiled chicken with a veggie mix, cashews, yogurt. I probably ate more than I have in a while, but other than the snack items, stayed the course Atkin’s wise. But we all know that mixing carbs with Atkins ruins the whole Atkins thing, and negates any benefit. So calorie and fat wise, I was probably just plain high, and destined to weigh poorly today as a result. I guess.

Focusing so much on every frigging bite, ounce and thought about these is adding to my depression of late, and I can’t stand hearing myself think much longer! I remain very weary in body and spirit, and feel as if I need a colossal break from all reality to right myself. Or something.

I’m sure that there is more to life than every crumb I inhale and some kind of analysis about it…and I feel that I need to pull away from this rather artificial construct in order to lighten up and just go with things a little more. I’m not sure what this means really either, but it may mean that I place less emphasis on such a narrow focus, in subsequent blog entries.

Basically, I feel that I may need to “lighten up” in order to lighten weight wise… or something like this. Because really now…who but a blogger weighs daily, records every thought and bite, thinks about all this in prose, and then tells on themself to the whole world? And although this may be helping to keep me “honest” and provide great feedback, it may also be contributing to my somber spiritis and near obsessive fixation on all things bariatric. For good, or bad.

Echhh…even writing THIS is making my brain hurt (along with the rest of my body!) today. Is it hurting yours, too?