Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 202.2 lbs. (!!)

I can’t take much more of this gaining weight thing, and am very discouraged by it at the moment. I am trying not to care, or at least to take it in stride or subscribe to the theories of water weight etc., but I am losing! Both the battle of weight, and the battle of perspective.

What the heck is wrong with me?! I feel as if I am eating better and more moderately than ever before, yet I still creep up. For instance, yesterday I had: The last of the leftover souvlaki for breakfast, 2 diet cheese sticks for work breaks, a handful of peanuts for afternoon snack, and a turkey dog with broccoli and a little leftover glob of pork and beans, for dinner. And 2 tablespoons of peanut butter in the evening, as I craved a little something before bed. That’s it for the day. Is this a diet to gain on??

This is a hard enough thing at any time in the “game”, but especially when it is now taking me weeks simply to get below 200, and especially after having been striking distance what now seems like such a long time ago. This serves to highlight my struggles and magnify the fact that I am stuck. and perhaps I wouldn’t notice as much if I were at some other numbers…or, maybe this is hogwash, and I would care and notice just as much.

I am sick of writing about this and you are probably just as sick of reading such repetitive blah, blah. When I have peeked in on others blogsites, theirs rarely sound like this. Those that weigh often and post this, seem to head only one direction with their weight…down! And write lighthearted ditties about how they are fitting into new sizes every minute, and dropping like stones. Or maybe, I am just remembering those I have seen that look like this, and feeling very green eyed about it all at the moment. Aarghhh!

In some ways, I liked it better when I was eating more and worse because when I gained or stalled, I at least knew at some level that I had myself or this or that food item to “blame”, albeit I still was not happy and felt different than many others. But now, I feel like a complete dietary reject who can’t even lose under seemingly optimal conditions. I think I need someone else to share tales of weight gain during similar circumstances, or to share their own angst and worry when faced with similar slowdowns. Has anyone else hovered so, especially when approaching 200 or when recently having retooled their diet and recommited to the process? Following a pouch test, perhaps? And if so, what have you made of this, and did you move past it? How?

This having been said, there is other stuff making me grumpy, although I am not sure what. I just feel all achey and sore, and have recently had another mysterious outbreak of sores and boil type eruptions. I get these every so often and have come to learn that they likely relate to having PCOS. They seem to come cyclically, and I should pay more attention, but I think they mostly occur in unison with body aches. And a general feeling of malaise and dysphoria. Or, I am making this up. The symptoms are nebulous and hard to describe, so it is difficult for me to be sure they even exist…except for the lumps and achiness, of course. I do wonder if all of this may relate, and perhaps correlate to weight issues, as well. I plan to pay better attention to all of this, and keep track of when in my cycle and on the calendar, such things tend to occur, and it will be interesting to see if it cooresponds to any stalls or weight gain, as well. I should do more research on PCOS, too.

In any event, this is all a lot of ya ya about my general feelings of physical and emotional misery at the moment….despite sleeping better than I have in a while given my new c-pap equipment. You’d think that all this great shut eye would be helping…and maybe it will at some point. But at the moment, I clearly need more than sleep to get over myself and feel refreshed once again!!