Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 202.1 lbs.

I was able to sleep in this morning. Glorious, peaceful, necessary sleep. Nothing too urgent that I had to rise as early as usual. Woo Hoo!

The only problem is that it’s before 6:00, and I am wide awake and blogging here. For no real reason other than that I am too wired and anxious to sleep still. Damn it! I am so tired!

But, the good news, is that my weight does seem to be creeping back down. Unless this doesn’t stick either. Unfortunately, my faith and trust in the concept of weight loss has been shook up some, and it may take some time before I believe in the idea of the scale going down, and not up, as it always used to. In this vein, there are no promises for tomorrow. And, I am well aware that I am still spending all this time and energy to simply get BACK down to a number I was at nearly a whole week ago.

I am actually thinking of doing only liquids today. My rationale is to flush any final sodium etc. out, and to once again cleanse my “palate” and restart things. I found myself feeling cravey and munchy all yesterday, and feared that I was heading back into old ways. I fantasized about things like cheez-its and pretzels more than I have in weeks, and had a wierd, restless hunger thing going on all day. I didn’t succumb, but was closer to it than I have been for a long time. And, I did eat wierdly, substituting meals for “snacks”, such as eating nuts only for “lunch,” rather than a more balanced choice. Then, last night I ate peanut butter (natural, for all its worth) out of the jar with a spoon. And Tom’s left over spaghetti sauce, straight up, also with a spoon. !!!  I only really do this either when I am craving something sweet, or I am restless. I think it was the latter…but fortunately, this satisfied me enough after a few teasspoons of both, that I didn’t tear into something worse, as I really was tempted to do. I’m not sure what, as we have no real bad foods left at home, but I’m sure that I would have figured something out!

This morning, Tom announced that he is down to 193, possibly as a result of the banishment of most pure sugar and carb items from our pantry. I am glad for him, but he is sure making my goal of weighing less than him that much more difficult! Especially when I go UP and he goes down!

Today, since I am up so early after all, I do plan to make some good use of this time. I am taking off from work, unless my supervisor calls me in when I call her to discuss shop anyway. I am rather hoping that we can do what we need to on the phone, as for now, I’d rather gnaw my arms off than head to work. I feel quite burnt out and depleted, and want to focus my energies on household matters, like prepping for the May garage sale.

Last night I spent time with Tom setting things up in the garage, and find that we have TONS of things for the selling. Everything from the ordinary cast-offs to valuable collectibles and Chinese Auction wins. I took them out of boxes and such, and the 10 tables we have already set up, aren’t nearly enough to accomadate. I called Pete who will lend us four more, and hopefully this will suffice. Until my friends who were invited to participate start bringing their stuff over! It should be quite a production, and since I picked May 1st and 2nd, it is coming up all too soon. I’d better get cracking! let’s hope it doesn’t snow then!!

Then later today, I will follow up with my supervisor about many things, but most importantly, the open position. That I am probably out of my mind to even consider, and that I probably won’t anymore, after our talk. I need to decide soon and lay this to rest one way or the other, becasue as always, limbo is the worst state to be in, and I can’t handle the anxiety and stress. And I can’t afford to gain even more weight because of it!