Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 203.3 lbs.

If this weren’t my actual life, I think that I would quit, right now. Seriously…I feel like saying that “I give up”, “I’m throwing in the towel”, “I quit”, “never mind”, and, “what the heck”.  Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately), this isn’t an option.

I am more discouraged than possibly at any time since surgery so far, however, and feel “broken” in some way. I do appreciate the comments regarding my weight gain likely relating to sodium intake, and desperately hope this is so…but still wonder how I could keep steadily going up like never before, simply over salt. I did take my blood pressure this morning to see if sodium might be wreaking some sort of havoc with me, and it was a very respectable 105/71. And, unlike just before my period, I no longer feel bloated.

I will admit to eating a third of a can of Campbell’s pea soup last night, and am aware that this has a lot of salt in it. This was all I had for dinner, and at nearly 8:00 pm, as I didn’t get home from a very long day at work until nearly then. Tom was eating a large plate of spaghetti when I arrived, and I could think of nothing I wanted to eat but a little bowl of hot, nurturing soup. So, that is all I had, followed later by a few glasses of Crystal Light.

During the very busy day, I managed to sneak in 2 diet cheese sticks and a 120 calorie low fat yogurt. I also nibbled on some desk cashews while writing up my progress notes.

For breakfast, I had 2 eggs scrambled with a little skim milk, shredded cheddar, and a pat of butter.

That was my whole day’s eating…every bite, nothing more. And by my math, I gained another .8 lbs.

Other than the soup and nuts, nothing had much sodium in it, either. 

I do admit that I haven’t worked out in threee days (of my period), and that I have been more weary as a result probably of this as well as of a very hectic schedule both at work and at home. Until last night when I went to bed very early and slept in (it’s now 7:30 which is very late for me), I have felt rather sleep deprived and was awakening and arising much earlier. I do know that this can effect both hormones and weight loss, but still question any of these things ability to put this much weight back on me.

Am I going to go up again tomorrow? Is this my new way of being, post pouch test? Despite eating less and better? This is me whining now, and grousing about how unfair and backwards this is starting to seem. I am actually less hungry, less motivated by food, more balanced in my perspective (otherwise!) and “calmer” about food with fewer cravings, than before - and this is what happens with my weight?!

Ackkk…all I can say is today I will attempt to flush, flush, flush, and see where this takes me. But, if I go up more tomorrow, I’m gonna eat my own shorts which I’m sure will really ruin my diet!