Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 203.8 lbs.

I am surprisingly chagrined and depressed that I didn’t lose again today, and wish it didn’t effect how I feel about things so much. But, it does. I think it is because I am so worried that I will go back into endless hover mode or whatever, and once again, will fall back in every way as a result. I know that I ate pretty well by my new standards yesterday, and resisted a lot of what surrounded me. We went to an afternoon long raffle thing at Tom’s church, where for the price of admission, you got pizza, nachos, and pretzels and chips that sat on every table. Tom ate all 4 slices of pizza (this included mine two), and both containers of munchies. I ate 2 diet cheese sticks that I had brought to tide me over. And drank the decaf we picked up along the way. He had pop, beer, and a taste of wine (all included).

Then in the evening, we went to see the movie “Avatar” (in 3d), and everyone sitting near us seemed to be eating gallons of movie popcorn, such that my cells could taste it by osmosis. I never wanted it so badly in my life! I think that just becasue I know I “can’t”, that this is starting to play on me emotionally, and once again, I am feeling a little snarkly about food, and a tad deprived and sorry for myself. I hate, hate, hate this, and even admitting to this, but alas, it is true and real and I can’t just ignore it.

I did have the leftover chicken teriyaki dish from Saturday’s dinner, but ate as little of the rice except for the pieces stuck to the meat and veggies, that I could. I also had 2 small scrambled eggs with cheese for breakfast, and 5 slices of lean turkey cold cuts for dinner. That is all, all day. I am hoping that the sodium from the cold cuts (Hormel) or something is what has stalled me, or perhaps after having a banner week, it is too much to expect to keep losing every day.

Well, there is no choice but to move forward anyway, and combat the regret and cravings monsters. Because quite frankly I have lots, because I surely could be farther along and doing better mentally and physically right now, if I had started off on this better track right off. I realize that it is not too late, but must be honest that I am sad that I wasn’t indoctrinated well from the beginning, and do wonder if it is just me with a blind spot, or if the supposed center of excellence that I used, just doesn’t invest enough in the guidance process. I mean, other than the one mandatory “nutrition” class that you attend with everyone else due to have surgery momentarily like yourself, there is no teaching or emphasis on this aspect of things. There is supposedly a nutritionalist in the wings, but when I tried to use her, although very nice, she is largely free only by phone, and for brief questions and the like. I believe that she simply consults to their program and it not housed there. So, other than by becoming a devotee of their support group, which in all fairness does meet bi-weekly, little is said about eating itself. Perhaps they expect everyone to attend the support meetings, embrace the recipes shared there, and learn from one another and whatever the topic is that week. But I do know that for me and my thick skull, such a group process is not my venue of choice, nor does it provide me the comprehensive, more personalized attention and understanding that I need. I have to wonder if others are struggling similarily, as a result. Or again, if I am just denser than most. Or in more denial. Or whatever.

Well, it is what it is, I am what I am, and I have choices and opportunities yet, every day forward. So, with this in mind, I must continue on and use what I NOW know, and choose to make tomorrow better. Right??!!