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Weight: 210.2 lbs.
Well, I am holding steady at 210 ish lbs. I tried to lower my carb intake and up my protein yesterday, and here’s what I throughout the day: 2 turkey dogs (leftover), a cheese slice on them, one slice whole wheat bread, 2 cheese sticks, a pear, an orange, some unsalted peanuts in the shell, and a stir fry chicken dish with over 20 grams of protein. Still not food of champions, but a little better, I am thinking. We still haven’t shopped, and until I get better foods in the house, we are stuck with susviving on leftovers and frozen products, mostly.
Last night I had a marathon phone conversation with a friend, meaning that I neither snacked or MOVED in like 3 hours. This can be good or bad, depending on how you look at it!
Today we are awaiting news on whether Tom’s friend “B” will return his call and ask that we join him at his father’s memorial this evening. It is a touchy subject in many regards, and due to “issues”, we remain uncertain what the correct protocol is in such a situation and need him to let us know what he finds suitable.
In other news, I recently reordered my supply of Celebrate vitamins, and continue to find this company and especially its president, so helpful and informative. I feel liberated from the doubt and concerns I had regarding lesser known products, or exactly what I should be taking in the first place. Not only that, but I like the taste and texture, and have developed a reasonable and workable routine, even when away, that ensures I am taking everything I need to and in the proper amounts and with the proper spacing. If you are post surgery, you know how complicated and difficult this can be, especially with “rules” like iron not being able to be taken within 2 hours of calcium, calcium having to be of the citrate type, multi’s and calcium tablets having to be spaced several hours apart for maximum absorbtion etc. etc. I am grateful that Celebrate products spell this out on their labels, and seem to have boosted my energy level and overall feelings of well being, since I switched over to them entirely. I love that there is no more guesswork, and if I have any questions or concerns, ever friendly and helpful “Vic” is very accessible and kind.
If I weren’t so needle phobic, I might actually be looking forward to my blood work-up! I can’t help but believe that both given my great supplementation and my decent diet, that I should fare well. It certainly will be interesting when the time comes!
But, for today, there are more emergent matters to tend to…like dragging my lazy butt to the basement to give the machines a whirl! Then, off to work for the usual ya ya.
I’d rather stay and write endless blather here….. Aren’t you glad I have a job!!?
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Weight: 210.2 lbs.
I’ve been back to work exactly one day, and I am burnt back out already! I got home after 7:00 last night, weary and starving. And consumed the lion’s share of my days calories in a late dinner and even a later snack, before passing out in front of the tv. Not exactly the best of routines or a push for balance and health!
I started off with Tom’s great oatmeal for breakfast. He is off from school bus driving this week, and fussed over the oatmeal as he had time to spare. It had crushed nuts, flax seed, banana, skim milk and raisins in it. Very tasty and although carby too, healthy and full of fiber.
At work, I managed to scarf down a bite of this and a bit of that between clients and such. All told, I consumed a whole wheat tuna fish sandwich that I had brought intact and assumed I’d eat before it botulized at my desk; and later, an Atkins bar. I also drank coffee (half and half, mostly) liberally throughout the long work day to whet my whistle and stay alert. Not the best habit, but frankly I can’t imagine working at all without this option.
The real “damage” was done at home, where Tom, who had gotten bored and lonely while I was gone so long, met me with wagging tail at the door. Some would enjoy such a loving gesture and eat it up with a spoon. Me, as both an introvert and a hungry maniac, ran past him first to hide in the bathroom and debrief, and then to the fridge, to eat. Unfortunately for Tom, as a hungry introvert, these and not amore, were MY priorities! My poor husband has the misfortune of being married to a woman who has had to exert herself emotionally and in an extraverted manner all day, and is emotionally spent by evening and can only muster “mphffff” without the benefit of a restorative break alone, and food in my belly. And frankly, “mphffff” can sound more like “m***f***” if I am denied these!
So, I retreated to the bathroom with mail in hand, and practically did yoga on the toilet to find my balance again. Then, in my quest for a quick dinner, we decided that frozen turkey dogs were as good as it was gonna get, and Tom helped thaw and prepare these while I heated up some leftover frozen peas. These, combined with baby carrots and a few left over Greek olives, was dinner, and a shameful one at that. I think I need to either work less late, plan better beforehand and have something ready made or easy to prep., or teach Tom to cook!
Then, as I wasn’t really satisfied, perhaps as much emotionally as physically, with dinner, I went on to eat peanuts and an orange for “snack”. But, seeing as “snack” was only about an hour after dinner, I think it may have been more like dessert. Either way, it is surprising that I managed to lose weight, and I feel regret for my overeating and sloppy food choices. Not horrible, but not well thought out or great either. I even recognize how high the carb. content is in what I chose.
Mercifully, I don’t work so late today, and can plan and think my way through dinner better. We do have a lot of good frozen items that take a little longer to cook, but would be fine choices in a weekday pinch. Its also time to go shopping again, as otherwise, handy and fresh foods have run out and this is when we gravitate towards quick and junky foods.
So, my head is once again spinning with lists of every kind for here and work, and I best get on with things lest it explode. My mantra once again is that “today will be a better day,” and I have hope again that between my own free will and the fact that Tuesday is over, that there is hope for this to actually be so!
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Weight: 210.7 lbs.
Well, not surprisingly, I gained a little from my lowest weight. It could have been worse though, and as I am back on track today, I plan to nip this before I go up further. Hopefully.
Last night Tom and I were brain dead and pretty much just sat around drooling in front of the tv. I put on the season premier of Ruby that I had taped, and was mesmerized by her struggles, candor and journey. I just love her and her show, and am thrilled to see her come back on for a new season. Do you watch? This episode appears as if it is repeated numerous times this week (Style network, like 8 or 9 pm), so if you don’t know her or what I mean, you may want to check it out. She has already lost like 350 lbs., and looks fabulous compared to her start. I am especially interested in her psychological journey and sessions with her (now replacement) therapist, as she is trying to unearth the underlying reasons for her overeating in the first place. This season’s promos make it look as if she will finally make some headway. I too thought that her previous therapist may have been a little too direct and confrontive for her liking, and can see how she came to “fire” him for someone gentler. Perhaps I am projecting, but I too don’t do well with the “hit me over the head with a baseball bat” stuff, and get points much more when presented provocatively, gently and in keeping with my need not to be stripped of all defenses and control.
I love how this all unfolds with Ruby, and in particular, how in this recent episode she is trying to grasp the meaning of having an addiction. Also, her resistance, discomfort and denial in the face of many aspects of her process both chills and fascinates me - especially as one could say that I too struggle with all the same things, including pockets of denial, repression about underlying demons that emerge at times to sabotage, and stubbornness that makes me stumble over myself. Also, I loved how at one point Ruby used the phrase: “It’s so unfair!”, when she was having to limit herself in ways that others in her world didn’t seem to have to. I feel this way a lot, and hate that I do. I felt both compassion and empathy for her feelings, AND wanted to slap her, as I do myself when I get into this mode. I am trying hard to subscribe to the “it is what it is” mentality of life (and am being told this a lot at work too!). I mean, is what happened in Haiti fair? What about New Orleans? Who ever said that anything is fair or equitable or easy?! Everyone struggles with something, and this is my burden and challenge to face. And, something to learn and grow from, if spun correctly. Hey, its a hell of a lot less awful than what many face, and I should actually be so grateful that I have second and third and forth chances and that I have everything it takes to find my way and be ok.
Watching Ruby is provocative in these ways to me, and for now, she and her struggles, are my mentors. I too am grateful to this and her for her candor and ability to portray to not just me, but all people who may have prejudice, misunderstandings, lack compassion or be unaware of the feelings of the obese, what it is like, how we got here, and what it may take to recover. And, come to think of it, this blog is my attempt to do the same. And, this is one more thing that we have in common!
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Weight: It’s late…I can’t bear to see!
I’m baaaackkk! Did ya miss me?
We may have returned, but unfortunately our money didn’t come with us. It seems to have become a casualty of the casino lifestyle! My diet left me too, as it was harder than I had even imagined or prepared for to resist all temptation. You will get a glimpse of what I mean in a minute!
But, the good news is that the R & R and relief that this mini trip away AND the start of my period has afforded me, seems to have restored my sanity. Somewhat. As much as one could refer to ME as sane, that is.
And the work week hasn’t started yet to take it away again.
But, for the moment I do feel much better, and as Barb wrote in a recent comment, it does now appear, in hindsight, that at least some of my strong reaction to actual events, was fueled by hormones. You would think that as a woman who has managed to make it well into my forties, that I would see this coming and get this by now. But, nooo, it’s like every month I have to be surprised all over again that I end up in such a crazy emotional state, and can’t even understand why until I am hemorraging physically and emotionally, and then I look back and say: “oh, that explains everything!” Every month. Geeesh!
(Sorry to any men who may frequent this site!)
In other, much sadder news, Tom and I were talking about how every time we go away, two things happen just as we are heading out. The first I just told you. The second is that someone we know or know of, dies. Just before Atlantic City, Tom’s childhood friend Jerry died, and as our trip was already all booked and we were traveling with others, this precluded his ability to attend the wake.
Last year, a woman Tom ministered to for years in his role as a eucharistic minister, passed away as we were nearly out the door. That trip we cancelled, as Tom was asked to pall bear by her husband.
Saturday morning, we learned that Tom’s Compeer friend “B”, lost his father in a deadly house fire that was being played as headline news that morning. Apparently he was bed ridden, and B’s sister and brother-in-law were unable to get him out in time and he perished in the fire. This is especially devastating to B as he and his father had been extremely close, yet this same sister had recently interfered with B’s ability to maintain contact with him, and when I first met B he cried sad and bitter tears about their estrangemnt and his fears that his dad was not being well cared for and that his father missed him as much as he did his dad. This rift had exacerbated B’s emotional difficulties, and he had been pining and I was trying to help him strategize ways to work it out legally or otherwise to be able to see his dad again. And now, none of this will be. We can only imagine the pain and guilt that he must feel, and were very upset to leave town just after such tragic news. I hope that there is some small thing that we can do for B now that we have returned….
Well, I hate to shift from such sad news to that of a new beginning, but I guess that this is the circle of life. Rogie, Tom’s nephew did marry Sonya and put on a beautiful reception at a fire hall in Jamestown. We ended up sitting right next to the “take all you want” display of mountains of candy of every kind, as if I wasn’t whipped into enough of a frenzy by all of the other offerings already. So here we sat watching people by the dozens scoop handfuls and baggies of candy up from the many gorgeous bowls “o chocolate etc. We did end up taking a little, and I gave my baggie to my friend Dorothy whom we met for breakfast the next morning and whose birthday it was. Tom ate some and kept some, and I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to tasting a few assorted pieces, and devouring a Lindor (my fave) in its entirity. Plus, I tried nearly all the reception offerings, including 3 different meat dishes, stuff from the mountain ‘o cheese and fruit, and then later, bites of assorted pastires and dessert items. Basically, I cheated like hell, now that I think about it!
Here are some pics so you can appreciate the temptation involved. And all this while still PMSing! I defy you to have stayed “good” in my same shoes!
Now, here’s a pic of me in the outfit I finally found that I hadn’t outgrown entirely. It’s a little big, but was comfortable and suitable, I think. If I keep eating like I did this weekend, it will end up not being big anymore!
Now, here’s a shot of the groom and his uncle, my Tom. Before the night was out, Rogie who was coveting Tom’s buffalo tie, had claimed it as his own, and he ended up wearing it like a bandana, and Tom came home tieless.
Here’s bride and groom together, Roger and Sonya hitched at last!
And, in case you weren’t already convinced of how great my challenges were, even before we reached the land ‘o buffets and additional temptations, here’s a picture of their beautiful cake!
Needless to say, I haven’t weighed in since our return, and I might save this trauma until tomorrow. If I drink lots of water and skip the next few meals, I may have hope to not have done too much permanent damage. Right now, I imagine that the fact that we ate every meal out at either the buffet or the diner, that even with better choices, I still overdid it. I guess some times will just be like this, and this is the price to pay for moments of “normalcy” and abandon. If not this minute, tomorrow I will go straight, and this means in all my ways of excess. Gambling ain’t cheap, and we need to crack down again this way as well. We are shooting for a leaner, meaner spring, although quite honestly we talk like this after every hedonistic excursion. Time to join a monastery, I think!
Well, after all my drivel, I bet you wish we’d head off somewhere sometime soon again…. Sorry to say, you’re stuck with me once more! I hope everyone else fared well themselves this long weekend, and did better than me!
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Weight: 209.6 lbs.
I am very, very tired, but can’t seem to sleep. I talked on the phone last night with the out of town girlfriend we will be meeting on Sunday morning, and she was telling me about how her boss is very ill and will be off for a while for surgery etc., and how the stressers at her job are so much for her that she can’t seem to sleep anymore. I shared similar feelings and we comiserated for a while, culminating in laughter about how we will probably both end up falling asleep on each other instead of talking, this weekend. But, it is a sad affair that so many people I currently know are all struggling either with jobs that rob them of dignity and a sense of fulfillment or value, or who are being pushed to the brink by overwork and/or difficult and toxic dynamics. Or all of the above.
In a counseling session, one of my favorite staff who accompanies a client who is very attached to him, sadly announced his inability to trudge on anymore, and he has given notice despite having no where else to go to. He will be joining the ranks of others I know, including a good friend who have become so depleted and chewed up that even the prospect of having no where yet to go, is better than the everyday grind of what is. I remain grateful that I love my job, WHAT I do, the clients I serve. I still have passion for this and them. My issues are hopefully temporary and reactionary to changes that are looming (and that only some of us know about), and shifts in structure and duties that are stressful. And moreso, to painful interactions with individuals in authority.
After an extraordinarily difficult day recently made worse by my personal demons, I’d like to think that I have found some balance and perspective and successfully trudged on yesterday, relatively unscathed by any new occurences. I need to remember that I am more resilient than I sometimes think, and that I need not allow myself to play or feel the victim. Thank god for the help and support that I did “eat up with a spoon” from Tom and others, as still without this, I would likely be more of a basket case today. Instead, I am only a little basket case, probably moreso due now to the cumilative toll that sleepless nights has taken, and a day long migraine type headache yesterday that took even more out of me (and may fore tell that my period is due, which could also explain SOME of my heightened sensitivity).
In any event, I am struggling my way back, and when I’m done writing here, will resume my working out, which I’ve skipped twice this week including yesterday. The interesting thing is how I have crept down some in weight, proving, I suppose, that eating LESS is probably the reason. Needless to say, I have been busy and distracted to the point that food has become more of an afterthought, and I have had to remind myself to eat. As you all know, this is not my typical m.o.!! It almost feels like how others descibe feeling - not food obsessed or focused, unaware of hunger, able to eat just a little at a time. Wierd how this shifted, but especially as this is so, it may speak volumns about the concept of psychological hunger. If I’ve theoretically been too busy, distracted and upset to eat, and hardly am as a result, I must usually be the opposite (obsessed, bored, overly food focused?) on ordinary days, perhaps fueling a false sense of hunger and causing me to over eat. No pun intended, but definitely “food for thought.”
Fortunately or unfortunately, this weekend will bring food back into full focus, as there will be lots of it to reckon with! I am in desperate need for the mentality associated with this, but not the food itself. I hope to eat up every bit of the play, cameraderie, abandon and leisure that the weekend will offer, while NOT eating the reception goodies, buffet delicacies or Valentines offerings. It’ll be interesting to see how I fare, especially on the heels of some new awareness.
Here goes nothing, and we’ll “see” you again in the new week!
May EVERYONE have a restful, sane, peaceful, fulfilling and LONG weekend too!!
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Weight: 210.2 lbs.
I found the perfect way to lose weight. Better than surgery; better than Atkins.
It’s called come home very late from work in such a state of tears and despair that you lose your appetite, and its too late to eat anyway. Then, spend the remainder of the evening attempting to detoxify with the solace and support of telephone girlfriends, while shaking from strong emotion, cold and utter exhaustion.
Then crawl off way too late to bed, and spend the remainder of the night burning calories by tossing and turning.
Hey, it worked for me!
On the other hand, I am so emotionally and physically exhauted and bereft today, that I fear that I will have a break down while back at work for what may end up more “stuff” that will likely contribute to even more feelings. And I fear myself and my ability to manage my conduct and my emotions successfully. I am never good in the face of “politics,” a strict task orientation that precludes process or disallows feelings, or harsh direction that feels invalidating or angry. This goes against my inate personality structure (as an intuitive feeler who is way more emotional than cognitive, and who relates best to feelings, process, congruency, warmth and harmony). It also tends to fuel old feelings of victimization, despair, shame and helplessness., and brings me face to face with my wounded inner child who ultimately shut down, gave up and developed callouses for self protection and survival. I remain very vulnerable in certain types of interactions and with certain individuals, and repeatedly make errors in judgement by trusting those I shouldn’t, being too honest when the truth is the opposite of what the situation calls for, attempting to process when facts are all that is needed, and opening myself up to people who are in a position to use this knowledge against me. Like when I was 16 and my mother’s Michigan sister visited and took me out alone to Perkins and asked me to honestly tell her about my relationship with my mother, her sister. Who she had an enmeshed relationship with. This aunt, who my gut screamed I should distrust. Who I had no reason to open up to. But who asked with an expression of warmth and sincerity so seductive, especially to a needy and lonely teen who’d never been invited to tell the truth about my home life before.
So, against my better judgement, I did. I told of my mother’s temper, the beatings, our troubled relationship. And despite feigned sympathy, she took me home and promptly told my mother everything I said. With predictably chilling consequences to me, that I will spare you.
The sad thing is that I always want to love and trust people and work hard to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, often to the point of making excuses for people, especially those under my wing who are being maligned in similar ways. I work hard to find the “gray” and understand and sympathize even with people’s dark sides, especially as we all suffer from them. BUT, once betrayed beyond a certain point, or after interacting too often with incongruency or in a disingeniousness manner, I will ultimately cast you off, never to look back. It is excrutiating for me to feel this and reach such a steely point, but when my heart blackens and my faith and trust have been challanged so severely, NOTHING can restore it. And it is a scary place to be when you must continue on in some manner with the very person you’ve lost all trust in and respect for. Both my parents fell into this category, as after too much damage, a child can’t continue to seek something from those who repeatedly can’t or won’t give it, at minimum, and punish or shame the child who asks, at maximum. To survive, I had to become self sufficient emotionally, and give up trying so hard. It is a very sad thing, and recently I caught the tail end of the movie: “I Never Sang For My Father”, in which a man is reflecting on his inability to see his father through his father’s dying days, given the years of hurt between them. The son writes that he desperately wanted and needed to love his father, and repeatedly tried to feel this, but the damage was too great and his efforts too futile, and eventually he withdrew and went on without. This left him unable to minister to his father when he became the needy one, as he had nothing left anymore to give and that part of him was lost and unretrievable.
And I know this place all too well and fear having slipped into it again. This leaves me a heartless shell going through necessary steps to perform and survive, but without passion or a voice. I guess that I can be “good” at this and to an unobservant eye I am hard working, obedient and successful. But underneath, I am emotionally detached, have divested for protection, and feel little sense of loyalty anymore. I spent the bulk of my childhood going through the motions with no real investment in or attechment to family, such that when really “needed” like when my parents’ health was failing, I helped only out of obligation and a sense of duty, but in a robotic and emotionally detached manner.Compared to those whose hearts weren’t blackened by the years, I’m sure that I appeared self centered, inconsistent in what I put out, and stilted. But what I really was was a daughter whose first priority was sanity, not caretaking, because without trust and a solid foundation built on mutual respect and love, I had nothing to feel connected to.
All of which I left work feeling yesterday. And then had to spend the evening processing why I felt so deeply and profoundly wounded, betrayed and uneasy. And finding my way back to balance, perspective and a greater resolve to separate heart from head when I return today. Which is as hard of thing for me to do as losing weight can be, and perhaps harder.
I think that I’ve said too much and I won’t and can’t say more. Massive sigh….
We are going away from tomorrow mid day until Monday late (?), and I must reserve enough energy and stability to think forward, pack, do laundry, figure out what the heck I can fit into that is fit to wear to a reception, and all the other things necessary before leaving town. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately!), you will all be given a break from my rantings here, as I haven’t made an alternative plan for this site in my absence. So, for the first time since I started writing, Necessary Mutilation will be going dark for a few days. Well, at least for Sunday. Perhaps Monday too, depending how late we get back and all.
Now I know that many other bloggers skip days, and sometimes even weeks and months. And actually this drives me crazy and it is hard for me to maintain my interest and emotional investment in others lives when there is little continuity. But, I respect and understand the time constraints in maintaining a daily entry, finding something worthy enough to say with such frequency, and keeping it all together. I suspect that if I didn’t have OCD, I too wouldn’t feel so compelled to maintain such high standards for this site.
So, at the moment I will be joining the ranks of the busy, the distracted, the casual and the “normal”, and take my own break from here to focus on other things. Like playing! Which I can’t say enough about how badly I need this, especially now!
Tomorrow I may or may not write before we go, and hope that those who can’t get enough here, will reread old entries or check out the many links and whatever else is referenced throughout.
And, if I never return, rather than “vacationing” in Alleghany, I may be in jail or the psych. hospital instead, so look me up there!
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Weight: 210.8 lbs.
When I awoke early having to pee like a race horse, I considered this a good sign that I HAD drunk more yesterday and should be back in the losing saddle today. And I am right. Debra too speculated in the comments section that my weight gain likely related to my carbier diet a day or two ago, and that my increased thirst was also a symptom of this and of the water retention associated with it, and that it is best to try and flush my cells out now to remedy it. And get back to lower carb. eating…and stay there!
Also, after a talk with Barb about my work snack of banana, I have finally concluded, once and for all, that indeed these must be too high in sugar for me, and a likely trigger for the hypoglycemic episode I suffered from. Some days I have felt like WITHOUT a banana or something sweetish, that I will perish at my desk from exhaustion. But, as Barb pointed out, in the absence of a protein to counteract the sugar, a banana is a bad idea to revive me past its initial insulin rush, and I am likely setting myself up to rebound into too low of sugar soon after.
So, like yesterday, I am back to cheese sticks and Atkins type bars for work “meals.” I maintained my energy consistently yesterday trying this already, so I can also see for myself that these work better.
So, yesterday I made an overall more diligent effort to banish more carbs., and had a diet that was also probably higher in protein as a result. Which could also have contributed to my peeing frenzy this morning, if I recall my Atkins lessons about such matters.
Here’s what I ate yesterday: A leftover piece of tuna on low carb whole wheat, for breakfast. This equalled about 3 or 4 bites as it was just a half of a half, or less. Two cheese sticks during the work day (which I have found doen’t really need refrigeration at all, as they are just cheese and can last several hours it seems). An Atkins bar, and later a handful of cashews while wrapping up my paperwork.
For dinner, I cooked myself chicken liver and onions…mmmm, mmmm! And ate the night befores leftover steamed cauliflower with it. And later, some unsalted peanuts in the shell and an orange. I realize that the orange isn’t low carb, but it was the last item on my list, and as of now, I don’t think that I am meant to nor do I intend to eliminate ALL carbs. I am still a little confused about a million conflicting messages that I have gotten and continue to hear and see about this, and until and unless I am compelled to give up ALL fruit and other hearty and healthy items in this category, I won’t do it. But, I will limit and be mindful of what and when I eat them, as I believe that I was yesterday moreso than earlier this week. I guess that I’ll have to see how I fare like this, and keep my ears and eyes open for info. and data along this line.
Now, having said all this, I realize that I am coming up on a weekend of great challenges and temptations. Tom and I are heading about 2 hours south to his nephew’s town of Jamestown NY for his Saturday night reception. His wife -to -be called in the menu to our answering machine yesterday, and I am screwed! It consists of all the usual yummies people may have at such a fancy affair, and then some! I don’t recall every item, but suffice to say it will be begging me to cheat and at least taste it all.
Then, we head over to the nearby Alleghany Casino where we are staying that night and the next, and meeting (I hope!) my Rochester, NY girlfriend and her sister to take them to ther casino buffet for brunch for my girlfriends birthday that happens to fall on this day. This plan kind of fell in our laps, as she and I happened to be talking a few weeks ago, when she said that she was planning to spend her birthday weekend in Alleghany anyway, as her sister lives nearby and they had planned an outing to the casino!
Anyway, my point is that it’s both a wedding, long weekend, “vacation”, Valentines day, and a hedonistic getaway living above a buffet and other gourmet, casino restaurants. Lets just hope I don’t come back weighing 500 lbs.!
And, on that happy note, I am off to work out and eat breakfast etc. before work…and at least for today, know that I will remain on track. I suppose like a member of AA or something, I best take just a day, and perhaps an hour at a time, try my best to use what I am learning, and comiit to the healthiest lifestyle changes that I am consistently able to.
Amen!
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Weight: 212.9 lbs.
Well, rather than going back down at least part of what I went up, I seem to have gone up some more! I am stymied about this, and if it keeps up, even my averages will be washed up. I thought that I got back on track, so this is discouraging - but I’ve got too much else to focus on and worry about right now to spend too much time or energy on such a matter.
Yesterday was a long day at work, culminating in a meeting with Kevin, my boss, who finally shared the reason behind piling me with so much extra work. I won’t reveal it here as he has asked that we not say until he has informed everyone, but suffice to say that it is adding to my overall sense of anxiety and stress. In fact, I left work weary and shook up, and trudged to my car in the far, back parking lot. I started shaking violently from the cold, and by the time I got in, I could hardly drive I was shaking so much. I shook all the way home and wondered if my coat was inadequate, my car heater was inefficient, or if my fat is melting away and leaving me vulnerable to such cold. I nearly crashed into an idiot driver a block from my house, and came home freezing, yawning so hard my body shook, and as tired as could be.
Immediately, I asked Tom to check my blood sugar due to yesterday’s high number, and because I’m not entirely stupid and wondered if it might actually be low this time due to how wierd I felt.
It was 61. And I HAD eaten a late afternoon snack some hours earlier.
It took me a long time to eat enough to feel human and stop shaking - now I realized from low sugar rather than the cold. Or, since this is Buffalo, perhaps in addition to the cold.
Then, after I ate, I promptly fell into a drooling sleep in front of the tv. Only after snacking some more later (on peanuts), did I actually feel human, and it was almost like suddenly I became infused with heat as this warming sensation overtook me and I could actually feel it sweeping upwards through my body and providing me relief from the chills. By the time I went to bed, I had renewed energy and could actually have gotten things done or something, if it weren’t bedtime instead.
So, now I wonder if my blood glucose levels are either swinging all over, or if the lip thing was just an invalid read and I usually run low, as I have been suspecting for some time. And, I can’t help but wonder if this has anything to do with the wierd fluctuations in my weight. Does this make any sense, or am I grasping for straws?
It does perhaps explain my chronic hunger, and my carb issues. I had a banana at work in the mid afternoon, and I wonder if this started it all. It is hard for me to eat in any semblence of a normal way at work, as I don’t get a dedicated lunch hour, and when I have back to back clients as I did yesterday (and will again today), this only leaves a moment here or there to stuff something quick into my face. Bananas tend to be my work staple for this reason, and I also have a stash of Atkins and granola type bars in my drawer. When I get a little more time, I may munch on drawer nuts instead. At times, I bring a low fat cheese stick or two, but since I don’t have refrgeration, I have to time these right so they don’t rot instead.
Anyway, today is gearing up to be similarily frustrating and stressful, and as I have to be in even earlier, I may not even have time to work out first. So, I’d best go now to see if there are some moments left to at least try to fit this in, although a break today doesn’t sound so bad either!
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Weight: 212.6 lbs.
Look at my weight!! Just as I have been gearing up all week to post a loss of perhaps 2 lbs. for this week, I go up over 2 lbs. on weigh in day!! In part I know that this is due to Monday being casino day and the buffet, but I am sure that I didn’t eat over 2 lbs. of food!!
I am trying to maintain perspective by knowing that my week’s averages are in fact reflective of a relative loss, even if today’s number doesn’t show this. This is why averages are so important, and I am glad to have been indoctrinated into this mentality through Atkin’s dieting in the past. In fact, I recently revisited my old diet journal, and found several things that can be helpful to me now. I kept a daily journal in which I wrote every bite I ate, my daily weight, and then my weekly average. I can see that: I hovered for often weeks, just as I tend to now. My averages went down most every single week however, although my Monday morning weight didn’t often represent this. I was often religious in following his plan, but the scale didn’t always acknowledge my diligence and I had several times in which I inexplicably gained or stalled despite my best efforts. And, most importantly, I kept going down over the long haul, losing 100 lbs. in around 14 months, despite often feeling as I do now and thinking that I was “done” at several points in the process. In fact, there were times that I stayed at the almost same weight for months, only to kick back into high gear later, and make up for this in time.
So, the fact that I gained, and did eat and drink more than usual yesterday which likely led to this, is not going to get the better of my mood this time. It will ruin my right column numbers, but I won’t let it ruin anything else. And I will get right back on track today.
Admittedly, I not only ate somewhat liberally from the buffet yesterday (shrimp, bbq chicken, a little stew beef, chili , carrots and a slice of sugar free cake for dessert), but grazed through the rest of the day, probably in response to growing nervous energy about resuming work today. I still feel very anxious, and didn’t sleep as well either, as a result. All these factors tend to make me swollen and heavy - plus, I was unusually thirsty yesterday and couldn’t drink enough to satisfy myself. Perhaps it was that I ate more carbs than usual, including some salty pretzel sticks that we had laying around and seemed to be the perfect stress relieving munchable at the time. Bad!!!
Another wierd number that I registered yesterday, was a glucose reading of 168 before dinner, and after several hours without eating. However, this was taken from a cut on my lip and not a finger prick, and I question its accuracy. I know that I am wierd, but when I started bleeding from this cut, I saw an opportunity to test and the meter worked like normal in recording the number (it didn’t say: “error” as it sometimes has when I’ve tried to test other than finger stick blood) .Can anyone tell me if the lip is a viable place to test?! I was too squeemish to then test on my finger, so I have nothing to compare this to. I may need to cave and let Tom check me tonight or something, as I must admit that I am a little worried as if this number was valid, I am running too high, I think. And, given how thirsty I was yesterday, I am already imagining that my diabetes has returned and is wreaking havoc on my system.
So…today, on this day that I am headed out for a long, hard day, I am faced with numbers that don’t add up already, and I haven’t even begun work. If I’m already this off track, I can only imagine how this day may go!
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Weight: 210.4 lbs.
Yesterday was almost entirely an “in” day, and I am pleased to have gotten a lot of stuff done. But, I remain anxious that there is always so much more to tend to, both here, and soon to be at work.
We did shlup out briefly just before dinner time to pick up a few items at Tops, and I didn’t even feel like dressing for the occassion. I had been wearing a sleep/sweat outfit all day - you know, underwear and bra less. The good news about Buffalo winters, is that I figured my big, bulky coat would hide everything, and if I kept a hand on my pants, this would keep them from sliding down, as I often must do at home. You’d think I’d just move into a smaller size, but I like these pants and will probably wear them until they actually do fall off.
Anyway, so off we shlubbed, me unkempt with hair uncombed - but we were only to be minutes. In and out, right. Until I heard “Donna!! Hi!” from a distance. I was horrified to see anyone I knew, and was somewhat relieved that it was “just” an old client. But, a very obsevant one, who wanted to chat for like ever, and who was kind and observant enought to say that “you’ve lost a ton of weight!” While he looked me up and down and actually noticed me, which is exactly what I was hoping NOONE would do. Achhhhh! Note to self: Don’t go shopping even for a moment, in your pajamas! Fashion maven, I’m not!
On the good hand, I now have become addicted to this supermarket’s Monopoly game after having been given 8 pieces at the register and now missing only one to qualify for a years worth of gas. Sorry Debbie, who I was gonna give my pieces to! I have been whipped into a gambling frenzy and am now on a mission!
Speaking of, Tom and I am thinking to head to the casino after all today to redeem our ever dwindling points and freebies there. We plan to go at lunch time between his bus shifts, and this will support our plans to stay just long enough that we use their money, and not ours.
We will also eat there, so buffet, here I come. Now that I am sort of back to losing and rarely go out to eat, it should be easier to see what eating like this may do to me. Although I am pretty well trained by now in what I can and cannot choose there, and typically stay pretty on track.
Yesterday I ate the “usual suspects” and at times find it trite to report my diet here since it varies so little. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m no chef or gourmand, and Tom and I both prefer simple, typical food items like soups and sandwiches and salads and such. I had leftovers from our Greek night out with the girls on Saturday, some broiled chicken from Tops, steamed cauliflower, my usual (but lesser of!) nuts, and oatmell with pb and a banana in it for breakfast. See how boring!
And spaking of boring, at the risk of becoming this altogether today as I really have little to say…I’ll sign off instead!
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February 18th, 2010 | 
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