Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 211.1 lbs.

It is 5:30 in the morning, and , I am stressed and completely fed up with my weight. And now I am looking forward to shaking things up with the five day pouch test next week. Drastic times do call for drastic measures, and I am sick of hovering, or worse yet, gaining on cheese and chicken!

I got home at around 7:30 last night, famished and weak from an exhausting and long work day, and the fact that I had only a diet yogurt, cheese stick and banana through the 10 or so hours that I worked. I nibbled on these things here and there as the day wore on,  but still grew so weary before the day was over that I yawned throughout our evening staff meeting. For breakfast, I simply had 2 diet cheese slices on a slice of high protein, whole wheat bread.

So, by dinner, I was overly hungry and spent. I devoured the remainder of the  night befores broiled chicken (despite my recognition of its likely sodium content), some peanuts, and a few grapes. Unfortuntely, I was still eating at 8:30 pm due to my late start, and had to go to bed at around 9:30 because I have to be off so early today. It did snow, but not as badly as they predicted last night, but is still doing so now, and as I am squeamish about winter driving, I am off very soon, with no time to work out or chill first. I have a million things to do at work today, and it seems lately that the more I do, the more behind I fall. I am feeling quite stressed and overwhelmed, and am sad that my superisor and friend, Kevin, is leaving us soon. I can finally say this out loud as he has now officially informed all of us, and we discussed it further at the meeting yesterday. As he is quite irreplaceable on many levels, this is a huge loss, and very anxiety provoking for all, but perhaps especially me as I have been asked to pick up a lot of his slack, and I have always relied on him more than others due to my middle management type responsibilities.

Given all this, I have been feeling anxious enough to have developed some troubles sleeping lately, and this isn’t helping either my mood, or my metabolism, I bet.  I suspect that I will feel better when I find my way with all the changes, but for now, I am rather a mess.

On this happy note, I’d better “run” so I can crawl to work in one piece, and pull off one more day of overload, before I hunker down for a mercifully relaxing weekend. I am looking forward to a play date with Barb and Rick on Saturday night, and a brunch here on Sunday, for friends Debbie, Janet and Pete.

Before I head back  for another stressful work week, AND the resumption of phase one of post bariatric surgery eating to get my stomach and mind on track again. It should be interesting as to how I handle this while dealing with high stress and anxiety, and whether it helps me feel and do better, afterwards. I’d be lying if I didn’t say that right now it is another thing to feel slightly apprehensive about, although also somewhat excited for the renewed hope it may afford me.

 Kind of a parallel process to how I feel about my job, I guess. Stressed and anxious, yet excited about new challenges and my ability to rise to new occassions.

I just pray for the fortitude and strength to do both justice….