Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 210.7 lbs.

Well, not surprisingly, I gained a little from my lowest weight. It could have been worse though, and as I am back on track today, I plan to nip this before I go up further. Hopefully.

Last night Tom and I were brain dead and pretty much just sat around drooling in front of the tv. I put on the season premier of Ruby that I had taped, and was mesmerized by her struggles, candor and journey. I just love her and her show, and am thrilled to see her come back on for a new season. Do you watch? This episode appears as if it is repeated numerous times this week (Style network, like 8 or 9 pm), so if you don’t know her or what I mean, you may want to check it out. She has already lost like 350 lbs., and looks fabulous compared to her start. I am especially interested in her psychological journey and sessions with her (now replacement) therapist, as she is trying to unearth the underlying reasons for her overeating in the first place. This season’s promos make it look as if she will finally make some headway. I too thought that her previous therapist may have been a little too direct and confrontive for her liking, and can see how she came to “fire” him for someone gentler. Perhaps I am projecting, but I too don’t do well with the “hit me over the head with a baseball bat” stuff, and get points much more when presented provocatively, gently and in keeping with my need not to be stripped of all defenses and control.

I love how this all unfolds with Ruby, and in particular, how in this recent episode she is trying to grasp the meaning of having an addiction. Also, her resistance, discomfort and denial in the face of many aspects of her process both chills and fascinates me - especially as one could say that I too struggle with all the same things, including pockets of denial, repression about underlying demons that emerge at times to sabotage, and stubbornness that makes me stumble over myself. Also, I loved how at one point Ruby used the phrase: “It’s so unfair!”, when she was having to limit herself in ways that others in her world didn’t seem to have to. I feel this way a lot, and hate that I do. I felt both compassion and empathy for her feelings, AND wanted to slap her, as I do myself when I get into this mode. I am trying hard to subscribe to the “it is what it is” mentality of life (and am being told this a lot at work too!). I mean, is what happened in Haiti fair? What about New Orleans?  Who ever said that anything is fair or equitable or easy?! Everyone struggles with something, and this is my burden and challenge to face. And, something to learn and grow from, if spun correctly. Hey, its a hell of a lot less awful than what many face, and I should actually be so grateful that I have second and third and forth chances and that I have everything it takes to find my way and be ok.

Watching Ruby is provocative in these ways to me, and for now, she and her struggles, are my mentors. I too am grateful to this and her for her candor and ability to portray to not just me, but all people who may have prejudice, misunderstandings, lack compassion or be unaware of the feelings of the obese, what it is like, how we got here, and what it may take to recover. And, come to think of it, this blog is my attempt to do the same. And, this is one more thing that we have in common!