Weight: 209.6 lbs.
I am very, very tired, but can’t seem to sleep. I talked on the phone last night with the out of town girlfriend we will be meeting on Sunday morning, and she was telling me about how her boss is very ill and will be off for a while for surgery etc., and how the stressers at her job are so much for her that she can’t seem to sleep anymore. I shared similar feelings and we comiserated for a while, culminating in laughter about how we will probably both end up falling asleep on each other instead of talking, this weekend. But, it is a sad affair that so many people I currently know are all struggling either with jobs that rob them of dignity and a sense of fulfillment or value, or who are being pushed to the brink by overwork and/or difficult and toxic dynamics. Or all of the above.
In a counseling session, one of my favorite staff who accompanies a client who is very attached to him, sadly announced his inability to trudge on anymore, and he has given notice despite having no where else to go to. He will be joining the ranks of others I know, including a good friend who have become so depleted and chewed up that even the prospect of having no where yet to go, is better than the everyday grind of what is. I remain grateful that I love my job, WHAT I do, the clients I serve. I still have passion for this and them. My issues are hopefully temporary and reactionary to changes that are looming (and that only some of us know about), and shifts in structure and duties that are stressful. And moreso, to painful interactions with individuals in authority.
After an extraordinarily difficult day recently made worse by my personal demons, I’d like to think that I have found some balance and perspective and successfully trudged on yesterday, relatively unscathed by any new occurences. I need to remember that I am more resilient than I sometimes think, and that I need not allow myself to play or feel the victim. Thank god for the help and support that I did “eat up with a spoon” from Tom and others, as still without this, I would likely be more of a basket case today. Instead, I am only a little basket case, probably moreso due now to the cumilative toll that sleepless nights has taken, and a day long migraine type headache yesterday that took even more out of me (and may fore tell that my period is due, which could also explain SOME of my heightened sensitivity).
In any event, I am struggling my way back, and when I’m done writing here, will resume my working out, which I’ve skipped twice this week including yesterday. The interesting thing is how I have crept down some in weight, proving, I suppose, that eating LESS is probably the reason. Needless to say, I have been busy and distracted to the point that food has become more of an afterthought, and I have had to remind myself to eat. As you all know, this is not my typical m.o.!! It almost feels like how others descibe feeling - not food obsessed or focused, unaware of hunger, able to eat just a little at a time. Wierd how this shifted, but especially as this is so, it may speak volumns about the concept of psychological hunger. If I’ve theoretically been too busy, distracted and upset to eat, and hardly am as a result, I must usually be the opposite (obsessed, bored, overly food focused?) on ordinary days, perhaps fueling a false sense of hunger and causing me to over eat. No pun intended, but definitely “food for thought.”
Fortunately or unfortunately, this weekend will bring food back into full focus, as there will be lots of it to reckon with! I am in desperate need for the mentality associated with this, but not the food itself. I hope to eat up every bit of the play, cameraderie, abandon and leisure that the weekend will offer, while NOT eating the reception goodies, buffet delicacies or Valentines offerings. It’ll be interesting to see how I fare, especially on the heels of some new awareness.
Here goes nothing, and we’ll “see” you again in the new week!
May EVERYONE have a restful, sane, peaceful, fulfilling and LONG weekend too!!
Related posts:
- Gaining and Losing Weight: 24
- Losing Weight But Not My Shirt (This Time!) Weight: 25
- Losing Weight AND My Heart Weight: 21
- Losing Weight and Winning Money! Weight: 23
- A New Week, A New Computer (But An Old Weight!) Weight: 20
February 13th, 2010 | Categories: 
Your period, mg of course that contributed to the intensity of your reaction to what occured. I have to say if you read your past posts you can easily see that around this time you go into more intense reactions etc. Now thats not to say all of it was that but certainly alot of the emotional reaction was the result of PMS. Anyway, you are a very good counselor and have an ability to sort through your own demons which I respect. About the person you spoke about I know who you are talking about and I too think it is very sad. What a loss to the individual and the company that person works for. I will look forward to talking soon. I hope you had the most wonderful, fun-filled weekend!!!!!
Hi Barb,
It’s so funny that I need people like you to tell ME about my period! For some reason I never see it coming or seem to appreciate how much it messes me up. Altho. my symptoms are pretty predictable, the timing/regularity isn’t, so it is hard for me to be sure just when it is coming…but you’d think I could figure it out from all the clues! Especially this month, they were practically flashing neon!!
Hey, what did you end up doing this weekend? I hope you too found balance and fun…without the cheating, like I did. Now I feel balanced, relieved, relaxed AND guilty!
Sigh…. Take care!!
Well we didn’t end up doing an overnight afterall but we managed to spend a lot of money anyway. Sat. we went shopping and then out to dinner at pizza hut with Trisha included. Sunday we went to dinner at Bob Evan’s where I had a complete turkey dinner which was delicious and then went and saw the movie Valentine. Today we took Trish to Day Hab and we went to breakfast at Tim Horton’s and then after doing some shopping at the Christmas store and the makeup store we headed out to the Casino to lose our pants and I mean both of our pants. We did have a late lunch at the Buffet where I stuffed myself with crab legs and then topped it off with two deserts. Oh my, I am afraid to get on the scale tomorrow. But back to serious business again. Do I feel rested? Yes, Do I feel guilty? No Do I dread work tomorrow? YES!!!!!!!! Oh well all good things must come to an end. Your wedding sounded very nice, all that candy certainly was a temptation but it seems you did ok with that. It certainly looked pretty all those colors and the cake looked pretty too. I am glad you realized PMS was a big contributor to your reactions but unfortunately if you don’t know when it’s coming then you need your husband and the rest of us to remind you when you are losing it. Don’t worry you only have a few more years of this and then you will not be as emotional but you will be boiling and wet from hot flashes. Oh the joys of being a woman.
HI Barb,
Wow, you sound as if you did even more than we did this weekend! Maybe even more eating too, and that’s quite a feat!
It is a bummer to go back to work, but hopefully we are both better rested to face whatever lies ahead. And, for me, I am past my pms and may be able to stay sane this time if the s*** hits the fan again.
The song “I am Woman, Hear Me Roar”, should be rewritten and called “I am Woman, Hear me Moan” or something. Next life, I’m coming back as a guy!