Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 209.6 lbs.

I am very, very tired, but can’t seem to sleep. I talked on the phone last night with the out of town girlfriend we will be meeting on Sunday morning, and she was telling me about how her boss is very ill and will be off for a while for surgery etc., and how the stressers at her job are so much for her that she can’t seem to sleep anymore. I shared similar feelings and we comiserated for a while, culminating in laughter about how we will probably both end up falling asleep on each other instead of talking, this weekend. But, it is a sad affair that so many people I currently know are all struggling either with jobs that rob them of dignity and a sense of fulfillment or value, or who are being pushed to the brink by overwork and/or difficult and toxic dynamics. Or all of the above.

In a counseling session, one of my favorite staff who accompanies a client who is very attached to him, sadly announced his inability to trudge on anymore, and he has given notice despite having no where else to go to. He will be joining the ranks of others I know, including a good friend who have become so depleted and chewed up that even the prospect of having no where yet to go, is better than the everyday grind of what is. I remain grateful that I love my job, WHAT I do, the clients I serve. I still have passion for this and them. My issues are hopefully temporary and reactionary to changes that are looming (and that only some of us know about), and shifts in structure and duties that are stressful. And moreso, to painful interactions with individuals in authority. 

After an extraordinarily difficult day recently made worse by my personal demons, I’d like to think that I have found some balance and perspective and successfully trudged on yesterday, relatively unscathed by any new occurences. I need to remember that I am more resilient than I sometimes think, and that I need not allow myself to play or feel the victim. Thank god for the help and support that I did “eat up with a spoon” from Tom and others, as still without this, I would likely be more of a basket case today. Instead, I am only a little basket case, probably moreso due now to the cumilative toll that sleepless nights has taken, and a day long migraine type headache yesterday that took even more out of me (and may fore tell that my period is due, which could also explain SOME of my heightened sensitivity).

In any event, I am struggling my way back, and when I’m done writing here, will resume my working out, which I’ve skipped twice this week including yesterday. The interesting thing is how I have crept down some in weight, proving, I suppose, that eating LESS is probably the reason. Needless to say, I have been busy and distracted to the point that food has become more of an afterthought, and I have had to remind myself to eat. As you all know, this is not my typical m.o.!! It almost feels like how others descibe feeling - not food obsessed or focused, unaware of hunger, able to eat just a little at a time. Wierd how this shifted, but especially as this is so, it may speak volumns about the concept of psychological hunger. If I’ve theoretically been too busy, distracted and upset to eat, and hardly am as a result, I must usually be the opposite (obsessed, bored, overly food focused?) on ordinary days, perhaps fueling a false sense of hunger and causing me to over eat. No pun intended, but definitely “food for thought.”

Fortunately or unfortunately, this weekend will bring food back into full focus, as there will be lots of it to reckon with! I am in desperate need for the mentality associated with this, but not the food itself. I hope to eat up every bit of the play, cameraderie, abandon and leisure that the weekend will offer, while NOT eating the reception goodies, buffet delicacies or Valentines offerings. It’ll be interesting to see how I fare, especially on the heels of some new awareness.

Here goes nothing, and we’ll “see” you again in the new week!

May EVERYONE have a restful, sane, peaceful, fulfilling and LONG weekend too!!