Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 210.2 lbs.

I found the perfect way to lose weight. Better than surgery; better than Atkins.

It’s called come home very late from work in such a state of tears and despair that you lose your appetite, and its too late to eat anyway. Then, spend the remainder of the evening attempting to detoxify with the solace and support of telephone girlfriends, while shaking from strong emotion, cold and utter exhaustion.

Then crawl off way too late to bed, and spend the remainder of the night burning calories by tossing and turning.

Hey, it worked for me!

On the other hand, I am so emotionally and physically exhauted and bereft today, that I fear that I will have a break down while back at work for what may end up more “stuff” that will likely contribute to even more feelings. And I fear myself and my ability to manage my conduct and my emotions successfully. I am never good in the face of “politics,” a strict task orientation that precludes process or disallows  feelings, or harsh direction that feels invalidating or angry. This goes against my inate personality structure (as an intuitive feeler who is way more emotional than cognitive, and who relates best to feelings, process, congruency, warmth and harmony). It also  tends to fuel old feelings of victimization, despair, shame and helplessness., and brings me face to face with my wounded inner child who ultimately shut down, gave up and developed callouses for self protection and survival. I remain very vulnerable in certain types of interactions and with certain individuals, and repeatedly make errors in judgement by trusting those I shouldn’t, being too honest when the truth is the opposite of what the situation calls for, attempting to process when facts are all that is needed, and opening myself up to people who are in a position to use this knowledge against me. Like when I was 16 and my mother’s Michigan sister visited and took me out alone to Perkins and asked me to honestly tell her about my relationship with my mother, her sister. Who she had an enmeshed relationship with. This aunt, who my gut screamed I should distrust. Who I had no reason to open up to. But who asked with an expression of warmth and sincerity so seductive, especially to a needy and lonely teen who’d never been invited to tell the truth about my home life before.

So, against my better judgement, I did. I told of my mother’s temper, the beatings, our troubled relationship. And despite feigned sympathy, she took me home and promptly told my mother everything I said. With predictably chilling consequences to me, that I will spare you.

The sad thing is that I always want to love and trust people and work hard to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, often to the point of making excuses for people, especially those under my wing who are being maligned in similar ways. I work hard to find the “gray” and understand and sympathize even with people’s dark sides, especially as we all suffer from them. BUT, once betrayed beyond a certain point, or after interacting too often with incongruency or in a disingeniousness manner, I will ultimately cast you off, never to look back. It is excrutiating for me to feel this and reach such a steely point, but when my heart blackens and my faith and trust have been challanged so severely, NOTHING can restore it. And it is a scary place to be when you must continue on in some manner with the very person you’ve lost all trust in and respect for. Both my parents fell into this category, as after too much damage, a child can’t continue to seek something from those who repeatedly can’t or won’t give it, at minimum, and punish or shame the child who asks, at maximum. To survive, I had to become self sufficient emotionally, and give up trying so hard. It is a very sad thing, and recently I caught the tail end of the movie: “I Never Sang For My Father”, in which a man is reflecting on his inability to see his father through his father’s dying days, given the years of hurt between them. The son writes that he desperately wanted and needed to love his father, and repeatedly tried to feel this, but the damage was too great and his efforts too futile, and eventually he withdrew and went on without. This left him unable to minister to his father when he became the needy one, as he had nothing left anymore to give and that part of him was lost and unretrievable.

And I know this place all too well and fear having slipped into it again. This leaves me a heartless shell going through necessary steps to perform and survive, but without passion or a voice. I guess that I can be “good” at this and to an unobservant eye I am hard working, obedient and successful. But underneath, I am emotionally detached, have divested for protection, and feel little sense of loyalty anymore. I spent the bulk of my childhood going through the motions with no real investment in or attechment to family, such that when really “needed” like when my parents’ health was failing, I helped only out of obligation and a sense of duty, but in a robotic and emotionally detached manner.Compared to those whose hearts weren’t blackened by the years, I’m sure that I appeared self centered, inconsistent in what I put out, and stilted. But what I really was was a daughter whose first priority was sanity, not caretaking, because without trust and a solid foundation built on mutual respect and love, I had nothing to feel connected to.

All of which I left work feeling yesterday. And then had to spend the evening processing why I felt so deeply and profoundly wounded, betrayed and uneasy. And finding my way back to balance, perspective and a greater resolve to separate heart from head when I return today. Which is as hard of thing for me to do as losing weight can be, and perhaps harder.

I think that I’ve said too much and I won’t and can’t say more. Massive sigh….

We are going away from tomorrow mid day until Monday late (?), and I must reserve enough energy and stability to think forward, pack, do laundry, figure out what the heck I can fit into that is fit to wear to a reception, and all the other things necessary before leaving town. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately!), you will all be given a break from my rantings here, as I haven’t made an alternative plan for this site in my absence. So, for the first time since I started writing, Necessary Mutilation will be going dark for a few days. Well, at least for Sunday. Perhaps Monday too, depending how late we get back and all.

Now I know that many other bloggers skip days, and sometimes even weeks and months. And actually this drives me crazy and it is hard for me to maintain my interest and emotional investment in others lives when there is little continuity. But, I respect and understand the time constraints in maintaining a daily entry, finding something worthy enough to say with such frequency, and keeping it all together. I suspect that if I didn’t have OCD, I too wouldn’t feel so compelled to maintain such high standards for this site.

So, at the moment I will be joining the ranks of the busy, the distracted, the casual and the “normal”, and take my own break from here to focus on other things. Like playing! Which I can’t say enough about how badly I need this, especially now!

Tomorrow I may or may not write before we go, and hope that those who can’t get enough here, will reread old entries or check out the many links and whatever else is referenced throughout.

And, if I never return, rather than “vacationing” in Alleghany, I may be in jail or the psych. hospital instead, so look me up there!