Weight: 210.5 lbs.
(My mind, anyway!)
The fact that I slept a fitful, anxiety induced sleep last night and awoke feeling messed up, is putting a damper on the good news that my weight finally budged into new territory. I had dreams all night about a rabbit and other pets under my care that I suddenly realized that I had forgotten to feed for so long as to be incompatible with life, leaving me to spend hours and days trying to find said animals to see if it wasn’t too late. Of course, I only remembered my error while far enough away from where ever the creature lived, that I had to spend agonizing and guilt ridden time trying to first get to, and then find the animal where I had left it at home. And then try to frantically feed it back to health. The rabbit turned up behind the fridge, looking dead at first. To my joy, he was alive, but barely, and I was able to somewhat nurture him (or her!) back to health by feeding him banana slices and grapes (hey, its a dream, what can I say?!)
I have had dreams like this before, where I suddenly realize with horror that I have neglected to provide any sustenence or care for one or several pets, and that somehow I have left them home alone with nothing for days or weeks. Usually it is our cats or several cats, and the guilt and shame of what I have done is all encompassing. Sometimes I find the animals (and sometimes it is rooms of plants that I have neglected to water for weeks or months) in time, and sometimes it is too late to do anything, or I can’t ever find where the animal has crawled off to. This is especially horrible!
If this isn’t symbolic of trying to get back in touch and nurture long forgotten or neglected parts of my psyche, I don’t know what is! I figure that my subconscious must be trying to hook up with “lost” aspects of my being, and trying to breath life back into them as I have clearly left them out to dry.
I also assume that the meeting that I did end up having (albeit with just one of my supervisors) triggered this anxiety, although frankly I am still unsure of the direct connection. What I do know is that I am never good with change, and the meeting represents a lot of it, and the offer of full time work with health insurance, if I choose. Although we never hashed out the details and I can’t know yet if it is worth my while to consider this, I do know that our health care is becoming one of our primary expenses ever since Tom’s GM plan went down the tubes, and we both worry greatly about this. Good coverage could mean everything to us in this day and age, but on the other hand, I’m sure that my salary would be adjusted accordingly, AND, I am not sure if I could stand or want to work full time. I have been there 15 years, and only know how to function as a per diem employee who bases my hours on my caseload on any given day, enjoys significant autonomy, and works in a concentrated manner as this is the nature of consulting.
Regardless of whether I accept this or not, I have been asked and of course am flattered and open to performing numerous more duties in any given day or week. Some I half expected and some I wasn’t even aware needed doing. Some would be interesting and short term, and some tedious and forever. Some require start up time, creativity and computer savvy.
So nothing bad came of our initial time together, but it is just one of several more meetings to come, and the beginning of much more work and responsibility for me. This will gladly translate to more hours, which I have been wanting, but also to more insanity, which I fear. Somedays already I am so busy and harried as to be pushed near the edge by the simple tasks of counseling, that I worry how I will juggle so much more time and stress wise. We’ll have to see how I can find to incorporate all this into my existing “lifestyle” both at work, and at home. Hopefully I won’t turn to food for comfort as we all know people like I so often do!
And speaking of eating, I came home from the meeting feeling drained and apprehensive, and initially desiring to go out to eat. But on the drive home I surprisingly talked myself out of it as more and more so lately it seems a waste of time, money and food to do so, plus it jeopardizes the better focus I have had lately. I decided that we had plenty of good stuff at home, and Tom and I both did well eating tuna over salad instead. I also ended the day feeling pleased with my healthy and moderate day’s consumption, and perhaps, have begun losing again as a result. My diet consisted of turkey in a wrap, some cheese, the aforementioned tuna salad, some peanuts, half an avacado (in the salad), an orange, and for breakfast, natural peanut butter on thin bread. Nothing else that I can recall.
Tonight Debbie and Janet are due over and we may go out, but since this would be the first and only time this week, I won’t feel so guilty about it and can choose carefully. We tend to pick Greek restaurants anyway as we all like them, so this is easy for me as I am a souvlaki lover.
Tomorrow I hope to do the measuring thing, and would have today if my energy wasn’t so screwy and I didn’t have so much else to spew about. I hope to sleep better tonight and find some peace and perspective with time….and not eat my way through this process either! Wish me luck!
Related posts:
- Taking Stock Weight: 18
- War, Winnings, Worry And Weight Woes Weight: 18
- Off to the Races! Weight: 22
- Blood Sugar and Other Matters Weight: 21
- Juggling Acts Weight: 21
February 6th, 2010 | Categories: 
I wonder if the dream represent the anxiety of having to let go of eating foods the way we used to and want to. Or if it represents the anxiety of losing conrol over your work situation. It is a big decision to go from calling the shots to having to meet a company planned schedule. Actually, as I pondered what you wrote and thought about how the days you do work often go late into the evening and you are mentally and physically drained when you go home, I thought maybe it would be easier if you could adjust your schedule so the appointments are spread more evenly throughout the week and part of each day could be spent doing your paperwork or computer work. It probably would be less hourly, but when you add in the additional hours and the benefits, including healthcare coverage and paid vacations,sick, personal days and retirement contribution it will probably make up the difference. When you add up the money paid for benefits and healthcare and retirement contributions it runs thousands of more dollars per year. Also, if you pass the offer up and with the cutbacks \that will have to be made due to the State’s fiscal mess, it could end up that your agency eliminate the part time counselors and then you would be at risk of having no job or going to another agency for half of what you deserve to be paid. I will pray that you make the best decision in peace.
Hi Barb,
It is such a big decision and I have not yet been told any of the terms (nor have they seemingly thought these through yet). I will be looking at ther current status of our ever dwindling insurance over the weekend, so at least I know better what to compare to.
I have a lot to consider, but for now, plan to do the extra work w/o making any other changes and hope I can fit it all in.
I haven’t heard yet what the final state budget is, and thought that it was better than expected given what Tom Sy said recently when meeting at our state of Aspire address. Am I missing something??
Well, apparently they didn’t take into consideration about the lost revenue from income taxes, they somewhate took into consideration the loss of tax on bonuses from Wall Street but forgot to take into the rest of the losses in income tax from New York to the entire State. so now Gov. is saying we have to come up with another 750 billion dollars. What kind of extra work will you be doing?
Sounds ominous! Any ideas yet just where he plans to take it from???
As to the extra work asked of me…the answer is “lots!” Everything from auditing daily, weekly and monthly notes, to chart audits, to development of new tracking systems, to organization of file cabinets, our lending library and more.
Gosh that sounds like my kind of work. I really would like to get a job doing QA and Investigations. Having OMIG auditing I sure learned alot. I have been looking for jobs like that but so far no postions opened. I think this is a perfect job for you because you are such an organizer that you will have your place in tip top shape in no time. You also have so much experience on what a good note should be so again you are the perfect person to be in charge of this. I think you should be flattered that you are the person they are turning too. Smart people.
How ’bout I pay you to come over and help me out - lol!!
I appreciate the flattery and sort of agree about my organizational skills, but I am most unsure about my ability to find enough time to fit so much extra stuff in. Plus, some is so tedious as to be yucky, like having to catch and list all abbreviations that anyone uses, so that potential auditors have a comprehensive list of every word anyone has shortened in any way. Yuck!! There is a book of abbreviations that I have to first check to see if the words are in, and if not, write them down and what they stand for. If I don’t know off hand, I guess I have to track down the therapist and ask. This, as just one small aspect of a million checks and balances, sounds maddening!!
So…if I am insane and the one needing counseling soon, you’ll know why! If anything seriously opens up that sounds like what you are looking for at Aspire or I hear of anything, I’ll let you know! Shhhhh….!
shhhh ok we need to talk cuz I have to tell you something about a postion in your company that was posted
Well call me already then!! Now I’ll just hafta look in random ads myself til I hear from you…tanks a lot!!
I should be home Wednesday night and if you don’t try me first, I’ll give you a buzz.
Shhhhhh!!