Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 210.5 lbs.

(My mind, anyway!)

The fact that I slept a fitful, anxiety induced sleep last night and awoke feeling messed up, is putting a damper on the good news that my weight finally budged into new territory. I had dreams all night about a rabbit and other pets under my care that I suddenly realized that I had forgotten to feed for so long as to be incompatible with life, leaving me to spend hours and days trying to find said animals to see if it wasn’t too late. Of course, I only remembered my error while far enough away from where ever the creature lived, that I had to spend agonizing and guilt ridden time trying to first get to, and then find the animal where I had left it at home. And then try to frantically feed it  back to health. The rabbit turned up behind the fridge, looking dead at first. To my joy, he was alive, but barely, and I was able to somewhat nurture him (or her!) back to health by feeding him banana slices and grapes (hey, its a dream, what can I say?!)

I have had dreams like this before, where I suddenly realize with horror that I have neglected to provide any sustenence or care for one or several pets, and that somehow I have left them home alone with nothing for days or weeks. Usually it is our cats or several cats, and the guilt and shame of what I have done is all encompassing. Sometimes I find the animals (and sometimes it is rooms of plants  that I have neglected to water for weeks or months) in time, and sometimes it is too late to do anything, or I can’t ever find where the animal has crawled off to. This is especially horrible!

If this isn’t symbolic of trying to get back in touch and nurture long forgotten or neglected parts of my psyche, I don’t know what is! I figure that my subconscious must be trying to hook up with “lost” aspects of my being, and trying to breath life back into them as I have clearly left them out to dry.

I also assume that the meeting that I did end up having (albeit with just one of my supervisors) triggered this anxiety, although frankly I am still unsure of the direct connection. What I do know is that I am never good with change, and the meeting represents a lot of it, and the offer of full time work with health insurance, if I choose. Although we never hashed out the details and I can’t know yet if it is worth my while to consider this, I do know that our health care is becoming one of our primary expenses ever since Tom’s GM plan went down the tubes, and we both worry greatly about this. Good coverage could mean everything to us in this day and age, but on the other hand, I’m sure that my salary would be adjusted accordingly, AND, I am not sure if I could stand or want to work full time. I have been there 15 years, and only know how to function as a per diem employee who bases my hours on my caseload on any given day, enjoys significant autonomy, and works in a concentrated manner as this is the nature of consulting.

Regardless of whether I accept this or not, I have been asked and of course am flattered and open to performing numerous more duties in any given day or week. Some I half expected and some I wasn’t even aware needed doing. Some would be interesting and short term, and some tedious and forever. Some require start up time, creativity and computer savvy.

So nothing bad came of our initial time together, but it is just one of several more meetings to come, and the beginning of much more work and responsibility for me. This will gladly translate to more hours, which I have been wanting, but also to more insanity, which I fear. Somedays already I am so busy and harried as to be pushed near the edge by the simple tasks of counseling, that I worry how I will juggle so much more time and stress wise. We’ll have to see how I can find to incorporate all this into my existing “lifestyle” both at work, and at home. Hopefully I won’t turn to food for comfort as we all know people like I so often do!

And speaking of eating, I came home from the meeting feeling drained and apprehensive, and initially desiring to go out to eat. But on the drive home I surprisingly talked myself out of it as more and more so lately it seems a waste of time, money and food to do so, plus it jeopardizes the better focus I have had lately. I decided that we had plenty of good stuff at home, and Tom and I both did well eating tuna over salad instead. I also ended the day feeling pleased with my healthy and moderate day’s consumption, and perhaps, have begun losing again as a result. My diet consisted of turkey in a wrap, some cheese, the aforementioned tuna salad, some peanuts, half an avacado (in the salad), an orange, and for breakfast, natural peanut butter on thin bread. Nothing else that I can recall.

Tonight Debbie and Janet are due over and we may go out, but since this would be the first and only time this week, I won’t feel so guilty about it and can choose carefully. We tend to pick Greek restaurants anyway as we all like them, so this is easy for me as I am a souvlaki lover.

Tomorrow I hope to do the measuring thing, and would have today if my energy wasn’t so screwy and I didn’t have so much else to spew about. I hope to sleep better tonight and find some peace and perspective with time….and not eat my way through this process either! Wish me luck!