Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 212.1 lbs.

It’s funny that I got writing people back in the comments section this morning, and almost forgot afterwards to write my post today! I am so heartened by so many helpful, interesting and informative comments most days, that it now almost feels as if my blog itself, is secondary!

In other thoughts, I woke this morning feeling rather content and pleased with my health and weight, and had dreams and thoughts through the night that this is my final destination. There was almost a sense of peace and complacency associated with this, and it was both nice, and horrifying. I have like 80 more lbs. that I could stand to lose, and yet there is a voice inside of me saying that I am done already! I don’t know if this is a reflection of how stuck I have been feeling and therefore how adjusted I have become to this weight, or if it is becasue part of me has come to feel so healed by what I have already lost, that I am ok where I am. Either way, I must shake myself out of this thought process, because it is deluding me into being satisfied at only a halfway point and at a level that remains dangerous to my health. Being grateful for what I have achieved and celebrating these accomplishments while continuing my journey, is another thing altogether, and the mentality that I must embrace instead. I am glad that this inner voice got flushed out this morning, as I do think that at some level, it has been there for a while, and could be a source of self sabotage if allowed to take root. Not long ago I was watching Suzi Ormen’s show about financial advice, and she actually had one of the Biggest Loser contestants on who had lost like hundreds of pounds, but couldn’t take off the remaining so many. Suzi, while also dispensing financial advice that correlated to the “Losers” overall mental state, correctly guessed that the woman had likely grown complacent with what she had already achieved, and was resting on her laurels with little oomph to continue her process, due to this. The woman herself acknowledged that she felt fine and was mostly good in comparison to where she began, so it was hard to care whether she continued to lose more or not. Suzi recommended that she focus forward instead of looking over her shoulder at where she had come from so as not to fuel the wrong type of comparison and undermine her journey.

Or something like that. This is what I took from it anyway, and the fact that this exchange stood out in my mind, tells me also that it had some underlying meaning for me too, and that I have these same forces at work within me. Now acknowledged, hopefully they will be easier to combat though.

In other thoughts, I am wondering if my local cohort, Libby, is still an occasional reader here. I tried to comment on her site (losinglibby.blogspot.com) yesterday, but for some reason, couldn’t get signed in. Anyway, I am so chagrined over what sounded to me like shoddy treatment from our bariatric site in responding to her emergency call to them while in severe pain . She writes that although she called Dr.”P”, they didn’t call back, and it wasn’t until she called back herself the next day, that someone told her what ideas he had about her pain, and that if it continued, that she should go (back to!) the ER. He speculated that it might be this or that, but after another bout that warranted a return to the hospital and more tests, it turned out to be her gallbladder, which now needs emergency removal. I am mad for her that she seems to have been treated so dismissively (although not surprised!), and that her gallbladder wasn’t the first thing that people thought of, given that she still had one going into this and that since her July surgery, has lost many lbs., which is often a trigger. God, I could have probably diagnosed her more accurately and quicker myself! AND, I would have called her back the first time!

Eeech…sorry, and hopefully I am not using her difficulties to fuel my own soap box. And please join me here in wishing a fellow gber well and a safe surgery. If you do still check in here Libby, please let us know how you are doing!

Well, I have eaten into my exercise time and should consider getting ready for work soon too…so, I’ll stop rambling and get a move on. Yikes, its late!!!