Necessary Mutilation

Weight: ——

Today I am taking a hiatus from weighing…really! Today I am going to not care what the scale says and focus on way more meaningful things. I always have a niggle of resentment about how (over) emphasized weight and looks and all things bariatric can be and how this seemingly takes such precedence over other aspects of life, and today, I am taking a break from all of this and honoring things that I am grateful for that matter as much in the scheme of things.

Just for  today, I woke feeling inspired to write of my profound gratiude for what I am priveledged to do for a living and how I am invited into the inner lives, tears and fears of my disabled clients and how blessed I am to have them open up to and trust in me. Every day I am honored by their love and respect, and have opportunities to see people heal and grow and thrive when provided support and guidance. I am also honored when people trust me enough to share their secrets, their rage, their woundedness, and allow me to walk them through different doors than those they came in through. I am so fortunate to have passion for the population I serve, and love what I do, especially as so many people I know are floundering at work or are struggling to find meaning in their jobs.

Also just for today, I give thanks for the opportunity to walk alongside my Compeer friend’s difficult life, and have been afforded the chance to see what she has had to deal with on an everyday basis. Nothing I have ever done in the more sterile enviroment of my work office could have prepared me for this very public view of Kris’ suffering, disenfranchisement, prejudicial treatment by ignorant others, and everday struggles. She has taught me so much in her humility, resilience, bravery and spirit, and I can only hope that what little I have done for her when she was well enough to receive it, is even a modicum of what she has given me.

Also today, I want to emphasize the meaning of having a kind and unconditionally  loving husband and wonderful friends. From a background of abuse, distrust and a shyness bordering on pathological, I am amazed even at my own ability to have developed such healthy, nurturing and meaningful relationships. And that I didn’t marry an abuser and recreate old patterns of shame and pain. My friends are also healthy, ethical, kind, generous and caring, and this contributes to meaningful, deep and reciprical connections that are life giving and healing, especially given the absence of family in my life.

Lastly today, I want to honor the wonders of having such amazing support and friendship in the form of strangers feeling as if they are part of my everyday life and healing network. Through this blog, I have “met” some incredible and kind people who have offered up their advice, journeys and struggles to connect with mine and to selflessly respond each time I falter. Together I feel that we are soldiers marching towards health and “sobriety”, and I feel such empowerment and joy from our numbers. I also feel priveledged, especially given my complete ineptitude at everything computer, to have joined forces with my brother in development of this site, and appreciate his commitment of time and sweat equity to keep it running. This has both solidified and stressed our relationship at times, but I continue to have hope for the good this has done in providing us common ground and ensuring that he and I remain connected, especially given the lack of other family members in either of our lives.

So, just for today, I am feeling the lightness that comes from a life that’s turned around from bleak beginnings, and that this is a far more meaningful sense of “lightness” than anything the scale could tell me!