Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 213.4 lbs.

I’ve found a new word for my weight situation. “Hovering.” I don’t really lose, I hover over lower weights temporarily, teasing myself into thinking that I may finally have actually gone down, only to go back up the next day(s). Has anyone else noticed that I have been in the same range for like ever, now?! I’d like to think that my average weight has at least gone down a little, but am not even sure that this is so.

If you are a diligent reader here, and especially if you subscribe to the comments section, you also know that this has been a topic of discussion for a while. And that many have given advice about lowering my carbs., increasing my protein and /or workouts, and drinking more. Basically, doing better in all arenas.

Although these may provide the key to breaking my hovering pattern and speed things up, I must admit that I am disheartened by how much work and thought must go into this, and how even when I think that I am doing well, I must really not be. Who knew that it would all be so hard and so similar to my lifestyle BEFORE surgery?! I guess that I had come to believe, as I swear that the doctors and nuts also said, that simply eating less and with decent diligence, that the rest would fall in place. No one ever said that I could not eat from certain food groups nearly ever (ie: carbs), or that decent, healthy, moderate food choices would do little to promote actual weight loss. Perhaps I am healthier - I certainly feel ok for the most part and am very grateful for what I have lost, but will I stay obese, even if eating as I now am? The rub for me is that others seem to lose, even those who haven’t had surgery, on my diet!

Anyway, these are the grousings of one chagrined and confused puppy…. I worry that if it is this hard at 9 months out when supposedly I still have a bariatric advantage (???), then just what will my body do in double the amount of time? Or my mind?! God, why does it so often feel as if this is the same challenge I’ve always faced, weight and will wise - you know, the one I obviously lost, or I wouldn’t be writing any of this in the first place?!

Anyway - although I may sound resigned and hopeless, and perhaps feel a little of this, I am really just sharing my innermost thoughts, and grousing aloud that which I find provacative and puzzling. I will, of course, forge forward, and use advice to the best of my ability. Which means better at some times, than others - but mindfully nonetheless.

Today we are NOT going to the casino as now our freebies have dwindled expectedly to the point where it is hardly worth it (plus, we can’t be trusted there, speaking of addictions!). I am actually relieved and glad, and won’t have their buffet on my resume for today’s menu, either. I have much to do in and around the house, and Tom has two doctor appointments.

I have put together a large crock of boneless, skinless breast of chicken, fresh cauliflower and carrots, green beans and onions. This should be done by dinner, and be a decent meal or 10 for still sick Tom, and I. We broke down and had to enter the real and very cold world yesterday in order to grocery shop, and bought a crap load of veggies and meats and dairy and fruits at Aldi’s who were having a great sale. I thought that I ate pretty ok yesterday, but I guess that the scale doesn’t lie, so I’m not sure any more. I can’t remeber everything as it seemed to be a long, meandering day and I do admit that instead of actual meals, I had little bits of this and that, for much of the day. You know… nuts, leftover half a wrap sandwich, my leftover souvlaki, a pear etc. I hadn’t yet commited, and perhaps still haven’t wholeheartedly, to eliminate carbs, so I did do the fruit thing. And now we’ve gone and purchased apples, pears, oranges, grapes and bananas…and although I am pleased that Tom is learning to grab for these instead of crap like in the past, there is way too much for just him to finish off. I will just have to figure out how to incorporate fruit into my diet so it “does the least damage,” if you will. Geez - I just hate having to even say this!

So…today I am mercifully off from work, and feel somewhat less blechhh both emotionally and physically, and the sun is shining. So, I will try to use my physical and mental energy productively and do myself and my readers “proud.” My first stop is to the basement machines to move my booty….so until tomorrow, I’m outta here!