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Weight: 213.4 lbs.
There’s good news, and there’s bad news. I’ll start with my personal “good.”
I am in a better frame of mind as far as getting myself back on track goes, and I attribute some of this to hearing myself talk here (egads!), and to watching Dr.Mehmet Oz in an hour long documentary on health. He makes concepts of eating well and exercising so understandable and user friendly, and it motivates me to want to do the right things. I have his books and have peeked at them, but I have now made mental note to reread them in earnest. I had taped his show some time ago off of Discovery Health, and just got around to checking it out yesterday morning, shortly after I posted and while fussing for work. No pun intended, but I think that it was just what the doctor ordered. It got me in a better frame for the day ahead, and I did make better food choices and manage myself more successfully, as a result. In fact, I had good things like tuna on wheat, a pear, a diet cheese stick, a low fat turkey patty, steamed spinach, mixed cooked veggies, raw baby carrot sticks with a little dip, and pistachio nuts. Not all at once, of course, but for meals and snacks for the day. Oh, and a banana.
I feel healthier already! Mentally, anyway!
But, I do really feel more motivated. Plus, Tom has been kicking up his exercise and trying to do better the last few days, and it feels good that we can try to be better together. Dr. Oz had a quote on his show that also spoke to me, and I will share it. He was speaking to to one individual who like myself, was struggling to get back on track and was grappling with self discipline. He said: “We look for motivation to act, but really, we must act to motivate.”
I like this one and will try to “wear it” for a while.
As to my more depressing news, I am the one elected to go do on-site grief counseling today, and I am apprehensive and sad in the face of this. I had to clear my afternoon counseling schedule so that I can travel to this group home where I am told that both staff and consumers are traumatized and bereaved by the sudden death of a woman who resided there. I did not know her, but heard that she was well loved, and that she died while at home and in front of a staff. As a counselor, I am being asked to offer support, guidance, wisdom (like there is any in the face of such tragedy!), and probably most importantly, an ear. I have been called to such duty before, including last year when another consumer passed away quite suddenly, and some time back when a van carrying several disabled consumers was hit on the thruway, and all plus the driver perished, leaving one of Aspire’s group homes suddenly absent many of its individuals. What a horrificly sad situation this was!
Anyway, I am not eager to repeat this experience, and no matter the topic, am never thrilled in front of “crowds” or groups of people. I plan to work out extra hard when I am done with writing this, for both stress relief (better than eating!), and to get some extra blood flow to my brain so I can maybe find something of comfort or help to say while there.
So, this is a snapshot of my life and coping skills….and I know that I must continue to work hard on the idea that its not what life gives you, but what you do with it, that counts most. Wish me luck!
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Weight: 214.1 lbs.
I can’t be trusted anywhere around food of any kind anymore. After a long and frustrating day at work yesterday, Tom picked me up so that we could head together to more stores in search of that damn shelf we’d like. We ended up weary and hungry, and went back to the buffet we just ate at over the weekend. As if I didn’t learn my lesson about overindulgence just days ago. On the other, better hand, I did make decent choices, including the discovery that they have shrimp cocktail and a mongolian bbq component in which you pick your own meats and veggies and they cook them fresh for you. At least I am sure to have gotten my protein and veggie requirements in for the day!
In other yesterday news, I have only been to work one day out of the last 5, and I am already toasty. Ack- what a taxing and awful day! Especially given that I am still “under the weather”, which is girl speak for “that time of the month.” Whatever you call it, I felt ill prepared for the demands of the day, and had a hard time sleeping last night given the stress and unfinished business of such a yucko day. One of the most stressful and sad aspects was hearing of the sudden death of a beloved resident of one of Aspire’s group homes, and the staff’s request for someone from our counseling department to provide on-site counseling to her friends and staff who are acutely grief stricken by her tragic death. I am trying hard to not have the elected person be me, as I have done this a few times before, and find it the most difficult, sad and painful experience that I am also not very good at. I hate counseling large groups of total strangers, and especially under such circumstances. Let’s all hope together that my colleague is able and willing to go there Thursday so I don’t have to. Shhh…fingers crossed!
And, as you can see, I have understandably gained weight and am creating even more misery for myself. My resolutions, mantras and meditations about making this a better year, weight wise, seem to have fallen to the wayside and I mindlessly am continuing in poor choices and patterns - especially under stress. Plus, given the state of myself these last few days, I haven’t worked out and fear getting rusty if I don’t get back into the swing soon. Since it is now too late to do so this morning, tomorrow will have to do.
My new found fear and question is unfortunately becoming: ”will tomorrow ever come?”
I’m not so optimistic at the moment….
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weight: 213.1 lbs.
Back to the grind today, huh? Blechhh. I had a nice long weekend, even longer than most, but would still kill for just one more day. We remain in the midst of a massive reorganization project and papers are scattered everywhere in the basement, and I’d love to finish one of these centuries. I have other project ideas once this is over, as well. At least this winter should pass quickly and I won’t let the fact that we aren’t out and about as much, go to waste!
As you can tell, I still have pretty good energy and a hankering to keep on the move. I am already beginning to look forward to this summer in a newer, slimmer, more funtional body. Just think of all that I can do then! Poor Tom!
Yesterday, Kevin did come over for a few hours and helped a lot with our persistent computer woes. Mostly, he set my new laptop up nicely with new security protection, and enabled it to print wirelessly, which any attempts others had made to do had failed. We also backed up my HD, and other stuff that bores and confuses me. But, since he was here, we didn’t head out nearly at all, except for two short visits to local thrift stores in our ongoing quest for shelving.
Hence, we also ate in, and I was in way better control than in previous days. My appetite has also subsided some, and I have less agitated energy. I hope this continues into the work week. We have no major plans except for on Friday night, when we plan to redeem the gift certificate I had won at a Chinese auction a few months ago. It is for four take out spaghetti dinners (!) at a local restaurant (Bings) that we have never been to before. I originally thought that it was for eat in meals, and only after we invited Tom’s compeer friend and his girlfriend to be our guests, did we notice that it was for take-out. Anyway, so we will entertain them here for the first time, and at least I won’t hafta cook or anything. But, spaghetti?! Yuk! I will hafta supplement mine with more user friendly food than this, so I am actually glad that it is take out, so that I can. Perhaps I’ll eat the accompanying salad and meatballs. We’ll see….
Anyway, this is our newly boring life that allows me to ponder Friday dinner, on Tuesday. I’m just not sure if this is a good thing, or not!
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Weight: 213.4 lbs.
Tom couldn’t sleep on this holiday Monday, so I am up early. If you are married, you probably understand already.
I was happily fast asleep when he was suddenly looming over me in the pitch black of the wee hours, saying that he was “off to work.” Of course this startled me awake, and knowing that he could actually have meant this given his memory and “guy” issues, I yelled that it was a holiday and he was off. He insisted that he was going anyway, making me more awake, and now confused. He fussed with my c-pap mask, kissed me and said he was off.When I was half out of bed, he admitted that he actually couldn’t sleep, had been up since 4:30, and was dressed because he was going to church. Church? I guess there is an early mass for people like him…. This was at 6:15.
So, here I am blogging you, crampy and exhausted, bleary eyed and grumpier even….
Happy freakin’ Martin Luther King Day!
Ahem….
Oh, and in case you couldn’t already tell, my “P” can be dropped and I am now into “M”, and feeling every bit of it. I hope to lay low again today, but do wonder if my friend and boss, Kevin, will follow up with coming over to help us out with some computer issues that we need a geek like him to help with. This would be fine, but I will still hafta work hard to be even remotely presentable and human on a day like today.
I had wanted to run around some and still see if we could find a cheap shelving unit for the basement, but I expect to throw in the towel on this thought and leave it until I can be farther from a bathroom and a couch. We did go to one thrift store yesterday and I found other junk to buy, but alas, no shelf. While out, I must admit that we also ate at a chinese buffet, one we’d never been to before but had a bogo coupon for in a book that friend Barb had gotten us for Christmas. (See, barb, it is your fault after all! Lol!!) It was near the thrift store, and turned out to be an awesome buffet, and I am chagrined that I liked it as much as I did and now wanna go back. They had a massive selection of items, all tasty, and comfortable and pleasant surroundings. I had two bowls of their hot and sour soup, and the salt in it alone will probably keep me stalled for years. I tried to eat the “best” choices I could, you know, chicken and brocolli type stuff. But, admittedly, it was all saucy and greasy and no matter what, eating even a morsel of food at this place had to be cheating. Mercifully, given the oatmeal I had for breakfast and the peanuts for snack, my “slate” was wiped clean soon after, if you know what I mean.
I wonder if there is any dietary science to this? Hmmmmm….
Today my appetite hopefully has dropped as it typically does at this time, and the skin crawling, restless, anxious munchies that accompany it should also be subsiding. Hopefully I will maintain enough nervous energy to get more household projects done, as today, this, is my top prioity.
If Tom doesn’t get in the way…!
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Weight: 213.5 lbs.
I am off to an achey and slow start again today, and might still be in bed if it weren’t that the laundry needs doing and about a hundred other things need tending to. Tom and I may take a drive to a flea market or thrift store later to try and find an old metal bookshelf we discovered yesterday that we could use in some underutilized space in the basement. Then, tonight is our metal detecting club meeting. Otherwise, mercifully, we have no other plans and I can lick my wounds and continue to moan in pain over my now belated period.
I did manange to work out this morning, but only because I felt so guilty not doing so yesterday and feared that once off the wagon, I may never get back on. I pretty much forced myself through the most basic routine, but at least I moved my booty a little.
Last night we had a great time with our friends, Barb and Rick, and as always with company, indulged too much in every way. Talk, laughter, food and coffee. We ate at El Palenque, a local Mexican restaurant, and for the first time ever, I believe, I brought leftovers home. Of course, given the size of their meals, I still ate enough to feed an elephant for a week while there, and no doubt, this plus the candy served back home later, caused me to go back up some in weight. I had all the typical Mexican fixins’ in my combo dish, and about 4 pieces of boxed chocolate as the night wore on. Oh, and a Pepperidge farm cookie. Although up until dinner and such after dinner indulgences, I had done alright when not exposed to such temptation. On the other hand, I realize that I live in the real world with restaurants and company and snack foods, and MUST learn eventually to co-habitate better. Clearly, this was not so yesterday, and I hadn’t even “bothered myself” with any menu planning or strategizing beforehand as I sometimes am inclined to do.
Can I blame PMS, or the comfort of good company? Barb, can I somehow figure you made me do it? What about Rick? I know you sent subliminal messages my way - LOL!
No…I didn’t think so…. Sigh.
Oh well, every day is a new day with new opportunities for choice and consideration. Although, whatever should I do with all the leftovers…?!
Don’t answer that !
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Weight: 212.5 lbs.
Geez I am in pain today. I have cramps and ache all over, have been weepy, miserable, irritable (just ask Tom!) and grumpy. If you haven’t figured out why yet, you’re probably not a woman.
I didn’t wake until very late for me, and it is 8:30 as I write this and I haven’t worked out and may actually choose not to today. I’m not sure if it will help get the kinks out, or kill me.
Last night, just a few hours before we were scheduled to go, Nancy called and cancelled our outing as her son came home sick from school and given his history with Crohn’s disease, she is understandably more watchful and concerned if he is symptomatic. Although concerned for him, I must admit that given my own malaise, I was relieved to have the night off. I’m sure that we will reschedule and enjoy ourselves in the future when the time is right. So, I also dodged the P.F.Changs bullet, although one kind reader wrote in a link to their nutritional info. and I had taken some time to prep myself for acceptable choices once there, and figured I could eat pretty ok after all, armed with this knowledge. I guess that I’ll have to revisit this when we really do go.
Actually, because we had been of the mindset to eat out and have little food at home, Tom and I decided to order from Pizza Hut and eat it at home like we did with company last weekend. I got a crispy crust pizza with mostly veggie ingredients (and some chicken), ’cause their special allows for any crust, size or style of pizza with any number of ingredients, for only $10. So I loaded up on the veggies, and did eat 2 complete slices before the night was out. Tom ordered a 2nd pizza becasue he doesn’t like the thin crust type, and ate like half of his…but that’s another subject!
So…it is possible that I ate worse at home than I might have out, but as I busied myself with household projects and didn’t feel great, I otherwise did not eat too much yesterday. Just my nearly daily requisite nuts, some cheese, and a banana. I was likely lax on ensuring my protein requirements etc., but as I am usually pretty focused about this and I figure that there is good protein in cheese, nuts and some of the PH toppings, I may not have come up too short. And, somehow I managed to lose…although I take this with a grain of salt, because I often hover endlessly around a weight before it is “real” anyway. It could just be that I drank less, too.
Given that I am bloated and pre-menstrual, I would actually have expected a weight gain at this time. It should be interesting to see where my body takes me these next few days. Tonight we are getting together with Barb and Rick for dinner somewhere (am awaiting word - hi Barb!), and hopefully will all laugh away a few more pounds as this tends to be our thing! Hopefully too, my malaise won’t put a damper on things for me or for anyone else - but perhaps with this “warning”, we will all be advised beforehand that I am loaded for bear, and “it’s not my fault!!!”
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Weight: 213.4 lbs.
Hey, I’m referring to how I ate yesterday!
Oooh…and I paid the price all last night and already this morning for it. Oh, my aching tummy!
Since I worked from very early until late, culminating in a late staff meeting in which largely junk foods were brought (including by me!), I nibbled throughout the day, nervously and distractedly,mostly due to the stress of a long day. I had brought 2 cheese sticks and a banana for my food, and did eat both. I also rummaged through my drawer ‘o back up foods, like canned nuts and granola type bars. Of what I brought from home, the latter cheese stick I ate just before the staff meeting to try and control my appetite in the face of all the yummy snack items. But, it didn’t work. I think the many cups of caffeinated coffee I also had throughout the stressful day possibly fueled my appetite further, and may also be contributing to my current pain.
Anyway, at the meeting, it went something like this: pre-meeting banter…Mmmm, pretzels, oh, look, a cheese and pepperoni platter. I had some of both, including a few Ritz crackers. Then, the pizza arrived. Had a large slice, but left the crust. Oh, but check out those chips. Had a few…
The topics got involved and then uncomfortable; everyone began munching even more furiously. I HAD to try my own nut platter items, and everything was more palatable to hear when chewing on more pretzels!
Anyway, you get the picture. It was a 2 hour meeting and I think I crunched and munched my way through most of it, and then washed it all down with even more coffee.
I think I need to quit my job! I’ll blame work!
Well, I’m off today, so we’ll hafta see if this theory stands up on its own…LOL! But, what I do know is that given how my tummy feels alone, I won’t be tempted to repeat my cheatin’ ways anytime soon! Owwwwww….!
But, maybe I’ll have made a recovery in time to enjoy P.F. Changs with friends Nancy and Charlie tonight. I happened upon an “Eat This, Not That” book at Walmart the other day and saw them listed, and saw that I should counterintuitively order the sweet and sour chicken dish over most others, as it has the least fat and calories etc.
Let’s hope I’ve learned my lesson from yesterday! Better yet, I am still holding out hope that I conquer the munchy demons altogether someday.
Hope springs eternal!
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Weight: 213.2 lbs.
Eeeek…I’m almost late for work and won’t have time to write an even remotely interesting, meaningful or engaging blog this morning. I did manage to sneak in my workout, and remain surprised even myself that this continues to be such a priority to me that it comes before writing here and on a day when I am gearing up to work for nearly 12 hours. Kudos to me, if I do say so myself!
On the other hand, I am plumb out of time, stressed already and I haven’t even left yet, and sorry that you’ll all hafta wait another day for my wit and wisdom….
Hey - I heard that!
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Weight: 213.8 lbs.
I ate some peanuts in the shell last night in front of the tv, after returning late from a long day of work. Before this, Tom made us on of those pre-packaged meals with chicken, veggies and some seminola noodles (high fiber, 12 grams protein per serving, under 250 cals and very little fat, plus inexpensive at Aldis and VERY tasty!) In any event, the combined fiber content or perhaps bulk of such evening indulgences, meant that this morning I had no trouble ridding myself of the last 27 meals I’ve eaten! You’d think I’d be down to goal weight after this one! I must have been on the upswing again weight wise, ’cause I had figured I might otherwise post a record loss this morning. Oh well, at least I get to stay in the 13’s.
I work late again tonight and even later still tomorrow night due to our staff meeting/pot luck. I already know the “menu”, and am somewhat concerned as I am often ravenous and stressed at work, especially as I rarely get a minute to eat a bite during the day there. There will be pizza, nuts, cheese and crackers, chips and candy. I should be contributing a healthy and filling item, but instead am using this as the perfect chance to unload the final Christmas no no’s…the candy and the coated nuts platters. Perhaps a slice or two of pizza, which I do eat on occassion anyway, will do. Not great, but still “better” than olden days.
At this time, I am extrememly grateful for my job which I both enjoy and am good at. I have been there for nearly 15 years, and am also happy to have wonderful co-workers who are like friends. Other than the instability of the job market and the fact that we are an insurance (medicaid, medicare etc.) driven site which means that we can easily be decimated by cut backs and are always threatened by this and by audits, I feel comfortable and confident in my position. However, I currently feel very concerned for not one or two but three of my best friends who are in very bad, stressful, threatened or unstable job situations and are therefore having to look for alternatives. I wish that I had a company or could start up some kind of business that we could all work at together, and actually lay awake in bed last night trying to be creative with this concept. If only we all had start up money and a solid idea, what a great team we would be working together doing…well, I don’t really know what yet, but something! I plan to buy a mega millions lottery ticket for seed money, so wish me luck!
Well, and speaking of work, I’d better go get ready for mine. I have a million clients scheduled today and some leftover sticky situations from yesterday to tend to. I will bring a cheese stick, a protein bar and some fruit as I usually do in hopes of actually eating them, and hopefully won’t just bring it all back home again tonight. I’d better also go eat a nice breakfast in case then, too!
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Weight: 213.8 lbs.
Finally, a new number on the scale!! And I am doing exactly what I said I shouldn’t do and think is an unhealthy mentality for the long run! I am looking at the numbers as a measure of my success, and am focused on the immediate rather than the big picture. And, especially as I did eat at the casino buffet yesterday and drew some outside the lines, this is a dangerous and bad precedent. And, I will probably go back up tomorrow!
So, clearly I am still not onboard with doing all it takes for the long haul or tweaking my mentality to work for me for all the years to come. Or, if I am moving in this direction, I am still in the accumulating data phase and haven’t yet internalized or made better tenets my own. It is admittedly so wierd to now have a clearer concept of the “right” answers, but to live with relative disregard for these rules. As a counselor in particular and one who works hard with others to help them make healthy changes, I wanna slap my own self up side the head for being so resistant. But, if this clearly doesn’t demonstrate the power of addictions and/or stupidity, I don’t know what does!
As to yesterday, I did relatively well choosing things like shrimp, crab legs and chicken dishes at the buffet, but “fell of the wagon” over a piece of sugar free cake and a little ice cream, for dessert. However, by my recent standards, this was still an improvement over holiday choices when I might have not just eaten more, but more poorly. So, perhaps I am sloooowly moving a little in a better direction and preparing myself for more change to come. Maybe…?
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January 21st, 2010 | 
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