Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 211.5 lbs. (!)

It is after 9 am and I have just risen. Tom remains in bed which is highly unusual for him. If it weren’t for an occassional cough, I would be concerned that he was dead. He seems to be getting sicker, and I think that he had trouble sleeping last night due to his increasingly virulent cough. Stupidly, we did go out to dinner with friends Charlie and Nancy last night, and although we technically had a good time, this probably was too taxing for Tom who had also worked an extra shift at work and seems to be getting more and more run down. Today he is supposed to watch his nephew’s son wrestle at a local school, but maybe he’ll reconsider.

For my part, although I seem to have lost back what I gained, at least for the moment, I am sluggish, unmotivated and weary. I have been feeling lackluster for days, and can’t tell if this may be a precursor to physical illness, or if I am just suffering from the doldrums. Or both.

I haven’t exercised today yet, and at the moment, the thought of it ranks up there with needles to my eyeballs. I am achey and tired, and can’t actually think of anything I feel like doing. Poor Janet, who is in a terrible state herself, is due over for dinner tonight…and I am now wondering if this will be one misery fest rather than anything. Blechhhh….!

In other news, I seemed to have eaten what I though was more and worse yesterday, and of course, this is then when I seem to lose such that I am that much more confused about everything. For instance, I had eggs with cheese for breakfast (trying to up my protein too, as Canticles also suggested!), peanuts for later snack, some cheese slices for even later snack or maybe lunch, and dinner out which consisted of chicken with cheese, mushrooms and onions, cauliflower and brocolli on the side, and a salad w/ low cal dressing and some salt potatoes. I only ate a little of the latter, but pretty much cleared my plate of everything else.

So….although by my calculations I likely had more calories, did I lose because I had more protein, more sleep, more fluids (which I didn’t!), or it all just caught back up with me? Or, am I going to regain it back today as I often do anyway, making this even more moot?! Arghh… I always say that I need to get less caught up in day to day weights and diet, and look at the overall picture. Perhaps I need to stop fussing so, and do just this. Frankly, all this fretting is probably why I am losing again, as it probably takes a lot of energy to fuss this much!

Lastly, I am possibly on the cusp of some interesting data and perspectives regarding the toll that having PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) can take on this process. I used obesityhelp’s search engine to look up “slow weight loss” and found a plethora of posts in particular, from people who have pcos. Over and over they referred to many of the same things that I complain of, including feeling left in the dust by other gbers, excessive hunger, gaining, and of course, all the other unpleasantries associated with this condition, like excessive hair growth except on the head, and boils. I was chagrined to read posts that sounded so much like mine, including a woman who said that it is hard for others to understand us and our differences, and that this is very hard when the majority of people function so differently after gastric bypass. This sounds so much like what I have been saying ALL ALONG, and she too said that she has experience this difference since “day one.” Over and over people with pcos wrote of things that for the first time since my surgery, I can totally relate to and no longer feel so alone with. There had got to be something to this, although I hope that it ain’t so because if so, the journey in fact is that much more difficult for “us”, and the toll of the biology of this condition, is graver than I realized. So, I am not sure if I stumbled upon heartening or bad news - but I am sure to do more “research” and read all I can about others experiences with pcos and gb. On one hand I feel as if I may have discovered a world of others like me, and on the other, I fear having this condition as an “excuse” for personal responsibility, and am leery that it become just this. I also feel conflicted that on one hand I identify so strongly with what so many said about their seemingly unique struggles, but, I also must say that I think even those without pcos have stalls and plateaus and gains and what not, and the solution might be the same regardless of the reason.

What this did do though, was remind me that my primary physician had warned me years ago, that in having pcos, I had to be that much more vigilant about staying away from carby foods, as my system is that much more sensitive to them given the insulin resistance of this condition. He warned that I needed to lead a “carb restricted” lifestyle. I know that all gb’ers must emphasize protein first and limit carbs. Perhaps I need to be even more mindful of this, and limit even good carbs like fruits and grains? I don’t really know, but what I did read is that a lot of people who initially saw a reduction in some of their pcos symptoms like acne and hair growth, had a resumption of this with a vengence after 6 or so months. Just like me! And now I wonder if this may be because they have become lax, as I have, in limiting all carbs. Could this retrigger our hormonal imbalance, contributing to the stalls, slow loss and even weight gain, as well as the other problems, in a way that is magnified over that of “normal” gbers??

Eeck - my brain is on overload even though my body is on shut down. But, the good news is that this will leave me time to troll the net for more info., and should you care, you can find it here as I learn more.