Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 213.7 lbs.

Sigh…I remain bloated or fat or stuck or retaining or full of food or whatever. And despite my best use of mantras and pep talks and denial and defense mechanisms not even invented by the APA yet, I am admittedly demoralized and disheartened by how hard this all is and how I haven’t really lost in ages now.I mean, I am only just yesterday at 9 months out…shouldn’t weight be coming off any easier or quicker. I don’t mean this for when I take liberties, but for times like yesterday again, when I feel that I did well by the “rules” and was conscientious and moderate.

Perhaps you can help be the judge. Yesterday I had a small leftover piece of turkey and cheese wrap (on low carb, whole wheat tortilla) with no condiments, for breakfast. I brought and ate a whole avocado and a banana for lunch at work. Admittedly, I did have about 6 leftover pretzels for crunch with my avacado.

For dinner I had leftover rotisserie chicken and some carrot sticks with french onion dip (about 10 baby carrots). I drank decaf and some regular coffee (at work), and some crystal light type juice at home. My pee stayed light, so I assumed I was getting enough fluids.

That’s it for my day’s consumption. Actually, yesterday I wondered if the meats and cheese that I ate had enough protein for my day, as it was less than usual plus I didn’t have my near daily nuts to boost my levels. Plus, in having eaten less, and no (time for) snacks, I didn’t get in the usual amount of veggies that I like to shoot for.

What do you think?

Then, last night I was weary very early (and had had a distressing day at work that I won’t elaborate on here but which I came home and spewed all over Tom about), and went to bed at 9:00. I slept fitfully at best, and had numerous apocalyptical dreams that evn as I write this, have left me feeling shook up and depressed. Awful stuff like the sky being on fire, losing loved ones, revisiting my childhood home and losing everyone in the process, and being lost in a an alien world after it has been destroyed by cataclysmic events. Ack!! Perhaps my weight gain is made up of the heaviness of the world on my shoulders! At least this is how it feels.

Sorry…no light and airy post today. Hopefully I’m not on a death march to work later too, although perhaps it is insidious anxiety about this as well, that is contributing to my disquiet and depression.

God I feel so f***ed up today! But then again, I feel like I’ve been through and in some regards continue to be at war…so I suppose this makes sense. I think that I just need to arm myself better….