Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 213.8 lbs. !!

I had a very taxing day yesterday that included unbridled anxiety, hypoglycemia (?), relentless eating and stress. All were probably related and left me feeling miserable and off track. And look how much I gained in just a day! I am soooo depressed about all this today…!

I ate what I thought was a hearty breakfast of left over chicken stew/soup (I know, its a wierd breakfast!), and then ran off for a long day at work. Around mid morning I found myself weak, dizzy, starving and so shaky that I could barely function. Fortunately, a client had cancelled and I was alone at the time. I could barely grab and eat everything in sight fast enough, and this included a banana that I had brought, and some left over crap foods from last weeks staff meeting. I struggled to use the key to unlock our storage room where I knew the food was kept, as my hands were shaking so badly and the banana alone did not suffice. I ate a handful of pretzels, a leftover Chips Ahoy cookie, some chocolate nonpareils and a few candy corn. Complete sugary crap that had been there for some time and that I have passed over with no interest, until now. But yesterday, I couldn’t inhale them fast enough, and ate them with no regard to health or weight. And, I felt better within minutes…except for the guilt and remorse that followed.

What also followed was a long day of terrible “munchies” in which food from the bottom of my drawer was found and inhaled, including a granola bar, some nuts and later, more storage room pretzels. Plus, several cups of coffee, tea, and some crystal light. And I still came home starving - or perhaps because of this, I came home starving. What a friggin’ carb and sugar fest! And I didn’t see it coming or really even knew what hit me!

For dinner I had a large salad that had eggs, meat and cheese in it, and I hope for this to have detoxified me some, although I appreciate that the damage that I did to my self trust, sugar cravings and blood glucose levels will probably take longer to “heal.”

My question is whether true hypoglycemia started it all, or whether stress/work anxieties mimiced this and simply made me feel messed up and hungry. What compels me to believe that truly low blood sugar starting the ball rolling is not only the sudden symptoms I experienced, but the fact that my day had pretty much just started and I was operating on a relatively clean slate at the time and not yet stressed. The stress and anxiety seemed to come secondary to the supposed hypoglycemia and binge eating, and by late afternoon, I was all f***ed up. Supervision with Kevin in which he shared that “changes are on their way but I can’t elaborate now” and “can you come in Friday afternoon for a meeting with me and the other boss so we can assign you more administrative duties?”, didn’t help my state of being any! Now I am anxious, shook up both emotionally AND physically, regretful, guilt ridden, and FAT!

The only good news is that it will be hard to feel and do much worse today…AND, I am packing my own anti-hypoglycemia foods with some redeeming value (more fruit, an Atkins bar etc.) so I needn’t raid the storage rooms leftovers!