Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 213.1 lbs.

I just compared today’s weight to my weight from last Tuesday (which is weigh-in day for the week) and realize that I am just back to where I was then. Although it is good that I have gone back down a little, I may end up not hardly registering a loss AGAIN this week, which is now making way too many weeks when I am not even losing 2 lbs. Or, 1 lb., for that matter. I will never make it to the hundreds at this rate, or certainly anywhere near “goal”, whatever that means. And, I have been better…really!

Well, there’s not much to do but forge forward, as always, and try my best a day and an hour at a time. I got up very late today, and am finding myself exhausted and depressed. I feel so depleted, my back and hips are aching, and I just want to curl back up under the covers and call it a day. I think that I have been fighting against such feeling for several days now, and in that it is the weekend, fear that I might succumb. Janet is due over this evening to “hang”, which is probably a good thing for me (and hopefully not bad for her!), as it will ensure that I don’t just shrivel up instead. I think I also need to tend to the underlying forces at work that may be weighing me down, although I am not too sure yet how to go about this. I won’t even elaborate here until I have a better sense of things.

I do know that one component of lingering sadness and frustration relates to my Compeer Kris, and her situation at the Psychiatric Center. I did call yesterday to check on her, and dread doing even this as I feel so at the mercy of whatever staff answers, and must accept whatever I am told, even if it is contradictory, rudely said, brief or seemingly inaccurate or capricious. Yesterday the staff said that she remains agitated, is on new meds whose names she didn’t reveal, is doing slightly better, and still can’t be visited. And that I should call back in a week. Last time she said to call back in “a few weeks”.

I don’t know what to make of her situation and status, don’t trust the system or its response to our involvement (meaning that they never inform us of any significant changes in her status and well-being, disregard our involvement, changeover constantly, and are only minimally engaged when I do try and connect around Kris). But worse, I don’t know what, if anything, to do. I hate this feeling and being in this position, and it goes against my own demons regarding feeling impotent, as well as my role as a social worker whose job it is to advocate for and make better the lives of people just like Kris. Yet, here we are having a personal relationship with her that is far more involved than any client I have ever counseled, of nearly 15 years duration, and are her only local advocates, and I have no idea what to do for her. Nor do I know whether it is even in her best interest if I were to advocate that we be allowed to visit or be more involved. It is hard to tell, given the state of her mental condition at present (or so they say), whether she would even know us, care to be with us, or if this would possibly agitate her further, as in fact we have witnessed during other times of decompensation in the past. She would cry inconsolably and wonder why we weren’t taking her out places like we used to, and no amount of explanation or comfort could penetrate her feelings of abandonment and despair.

I so wish there was someone I could talk to and feel better grounded from, regarding all this. My heart breaks for her, and I constantly feel guilty just sitting around doing “nothing”, and “accepting” that we can’t or shouldn’t reach out to her, and that I should just keep waiting weeks between calls to even check on her. Insert big ’sigh” here….

In less weighty news, or perhaps I should say weighty news, but of a different kind, Tom’s Compeer and his girlfriend came over to our house last night for the first time, and we fed them that spaghetti dinner I had won. They are polite, kind, dignified people, and I especially enjoyed his girlfriend who it seems I have much in common with. Thankfully, this match is going well, and “B” remains ok despite his own struggles with mental illness. I am grateful that Tom, and I by default, have this opportunity for being able to enjoy this relationship, and give back to someone that is not too compromised to appreciate it. On one hand this helps me feel less sad regarding Kris, but on the other it highlights how far she has declined (as she and I used to hang in similar ways before her decomps), and highlights that she is now absent from things. Who would have thought that I would have missed her this much?!

As to the other type of weightiness, I did eat a little of the spaghetti, although mostly a few strands that happened to be stuck to the honkin’ meatball that came with it. Tom wasn’t impressed with the meal, but I felt that it was quite good - probably because for me, spaghetti is a special treat, and not a staple, like it is for him. We also had salad, and they had the included garlic bread. I ate the leftovers of my souvlaki dinner, and was quite content with this.

Otherwise, I continued eating largely well yesterday, including a pear, some cashews, carrot sticks, eggs with cheese for breakfast, and a slice of flat bread with loads of fiber, and low carbs and calories. Tonight we have tentative plans to go to BJ’s with Janet and shop for the dinner that we will then prepare together. Unfortunately, there is just 3 of us as Debbie is ill…so not only will we miss her, but we will shop differently if only 3 of us will be eating. Janet suggested she also bring ingredients for her kick ass fruit shakes, and this sounds good to me!

Well, it is past my workout time and approaching what feels like mid-day…so I had better go run and get some stuff done. Hopefully I’ll be writing as a less depressed and slightly thinner person, tomorrow!