Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 213.6 lbs.

I am chagrined to be up so early (5:30 am), restless and agitated on my sort of day off (I brought lots of work home), and to have gone up in weight despite being so good lately. I also know that I drank way too much caffeinated coffee yesterday and not enought other liquids to counteract this, and think that I may be a little dehydrated. I have a headache, and my pee has been quite dark. I will make an effort to drink up today, and have a crystal light by my side already this morning to get myself off on a better foot, hydration wise. I am somewaht apprehensive about tonight’s free spaghetti dinner that we are sharing with Tom’s compeer friend and his girlfriend, but at least as this is take out, I can prepare something different for myself without being as conspicious as if we were compelled to eat in the restaurant. On the other hand, they have never been over and I am bad at entertaining here and there is a lot to do to ready the house and such…so I am anxious about both the food, the company and the flow.

Eating and exercise wise yesterday, I worked out hard, and ate moderately and well. I am trying to concentrate more on leaner cuts of meat and cheese, and to have as many servings of veggies and fruits as I can. Yesterday was a little funky as far as when I managed to eat, given the demands of my job, but through the day I had tuna on wheat, cashews, a banana, some low fat cheese, split pea soup, salad and chicken and beef souvlaki meat. The latter dish I had when an old friend, Marlene, called unexpectedly just after I crawled home in a depressed, sad and demoralized state from work. She said that she was in the neighborhood and wanted to come over for coffee (hence the several cups I also had!). At first I balked given the state of my mood and energy, but long story short, she came and we all ended up talking for hours and going out late for a fine Greek dinner at Athenas. Actually, she turned out to be just what the doctor ordered (she said the same about us!), and her company may have helped stave off what was beginning to feel like a very dark mood coming on. I am so grateful for good friends and the inherent support, perspective, distraction and energy that flows from them!

Just before her call, I had come home in a state of sadness after leaving the home where “Nancy” had died, as I wrote about yesterday. In many ways things went “well”, but in many others, it was all just as I “feared” - deeply distrubing, sooo sad, wearisome, and humbling. I was introduced as someone who could help staff (no clients ended up being present as they had opted to go to their programs and what not instead) with their trauma and grief, when in reality, and I said so, I had nothing really to offer but my facilitation of their process. I encouraged and supported dialogue, and tears flowed, guilt and angst were apparent, and everyone was eloquent about the huge void in her absence. Clearly she was a very well loved individual who has left a hole in many hearts, and that the circumstances of her sudden death, possibly due to aspiration, have made this loss that much more difficult. I found myself tearing up as each person told stories about her and about the day of her death and their grief and shock in its aftermath, and one of my biggest fears of looking like a complete idiot, may have come to fruition. Hopefully they perceived me as supportive and understanding, and not the numnut that I felt like at times!

Sigh…onward, ho in every way again today, I guess.

I am also feeling the need to check in on some long lost souls both here and with phone calls if I have time later. There is my Compeer, Kris, who I haven’t had the chutzpah to follow up on given the painful nature of every encounter about her of late. But, I must today, as I have been worrying about her daily, and need to know if she might once again be able to tolerate visitors such that we could provide even a small modicum of support. I also need to follow up with some long, lost friends who I haven’t heard from in ages and am starting to wonder and worry about. I am guilty too of letting life lead me by the balls and having time get away from me, and only then later realizing that someone has fallen by the wayside or a call is long overdue.

This includes a friend from here who seems to have disappeared, made more worrisome by her latest blog entries about physical and emotional struggles just prior to her absence. Chris, if you are out there, please let us know how you are, if you don’t mind me asking. I certainly know how hard life alone can be, let alone without the added challenges associated with the changes that stem from bariatric surgery and a lifestyle makeover.  Especially if food no longer provides any degree of comfort and everything we know becomes different faster than we can acclimate to it emotionally.

Also on my list, is my brother, the administrator of this site. Unfortunately, although initially I had hoped that doing this site together and combining his passion for all things computer, and mine for writing and “connecting”, that this joint endeavor may finally provide us both a platform with which to relate and nurture a somewhat fragile relationship. This seemed to be true at first, but now I am wondering if it was more a figment of my desire and in my enthusiasm, I had forgotten that our lifelong differences are so great that this connection may have been only artificial, at best. This has left me feeling rather abandoned, as well as pessimistic about getting any degree of  support as the need arises here. Although much less frequent than when we first put this site up, there still remains occassional technical things to do and address, or this site could be in danger of “breaking.” I have not learned many aspects of upkeep necessary for its smooth operation, or to prevent disaster should something need tending to. And now, as Roy has made both overt and covert overtures that he is disengaging from his role, I am concerned for the integrity of this site that is over my non-technical head, and for the fragile connection I had hoped that he and I had finally forged as siblings. It is even possible that Roy is reading this now if his wife has called attention to this (as he had also made it clear that he otherwise does not read my entries), and that writing about it here is only going to make any possible rift, worse. On the other hand, I feel compelled to tell everyone what is real here, especially in that this may ultimately jeopardize my ability to continue this site. I will keep people posted.

In final and unrelated news, the episode of Extreme Home Makeover that was filmed here in Buffalo, is really, truly and finally going to be on this Sunday. I have heard that it is two hours long, and I certainly plan to watch! Whew, finally something nice to look forward to!