Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 214.7 lbs.

I don’t know what to make of what the scale reads and it sometimes feels like the numbers are in a foreign language and mean nothing. Today, I have dropped from yesterdays higher number, despite joining in with friends in Pizza Hut take out last night. If I was gonna go up, it seems as if THIS MORNING would have made more sense than yesterday, which followed a day of conscientious austerity. This only adds to my overall crisis of confusion and self doubt, and I am still feeling very uncertain and off balance about the whole post bariatric package.

Several people posted helpful and/or supportive comments to yesterdays post and I have these in mind when I write today. I am aware that I have not yet developed a solid or consistent attitude about food or this journey that apparently is necessary to see me through the long term. As reflected in my scale comments, I am likely too hooked into concepts of immediate gratification and short term gains, rather than embracing the overall commitment and big picture. As a result, I tend to become discouraged and overwhelmed by set backs, and momentarily bouyed by minor successes as reflected by the scale. I am starting to see how this can not only be a recipe for disaster, but can play on me emotionally to the degree that it may ultimately sabotage success by playing on my short term emotions and relying on artificial readings as to how I am doing.

If I am “right” about this and need an attitude adjustment, I will need to make a more consistent and real commitment to the “big picture”, which likely includes reeducating myself, monitoring and recording my intake, evaluating progress based on more than what the scale reads at any given moment, and keeping my eye on the big picture regarding health and lifestyle change. I don’t think that I have embraced this yet, and am still fuzzy as to how to go about this (despite great advice here, and in the many books I have read). For some reason, I am hesitant about taking my commitment to this level, although I suspect that in part it is due to fear of how time and energy consuming such a process may be. As I wrote yesterday, I am hoping to divest, not invest more mental or physical energy into a process that I’d prefer not be the highlight of my every waking moment. I must admit that I resent this concept for several reasons, but mostly because I am busy enough without added “responsibilities”, and becasue there is something about the self centeredness of focusing so much on oneself that bothers me. Sometimes when other people seem so obsessed with any aspect of their own functioning or lives, I feel that this makes them narrow minded and puts a barrier between them and the whole, big world and picture around them and the ability to be balanced and in touch with things so much more important than what they ate for dinner.

Perhaps I’ve got it all wrong and it is possible to do and be both, but from where I now sit, it is hard for me to envision. Does this make any sense?

Deep down, I must also acknowledge that I am unsure of my commitment to any of this simply because I thought that bariatric surgery would liberate me from all this hard work and angst, and perhaps have been misguided from day one about what it can or cannot do. I entered into this believing that I could finally reject that diet mentality that had f…ed me up so badly for the majority of my life, and had left me so traumatized that I just knew that I could never go on a traditional diet again. Now, anything that smacks of “DIET” freaks me out, discourages me and makes me feel disillusioned about gastric bypass. Did others realize that one would have to do many if not all of the same things to lose or maintain, that they did before surgery? How exactly is this different from where I came from? Yes, the pouch may help me lose quicker and provide a modicum of appetite suppression (tho. I’m not too sure of this!) and limit the amount I can theoretically stuff in my face (and I’m not too sure its done this much for me either!), but is this really all?!

Well…these are the thoughts that prey on me in the wee hours and that possibly carry enough weight that they can easily sabotage me or at least derail me; and I hope they don’t offend anyone. But I seriously think and wonder these things, and as you can see, am clearly not a devotee or committed follower, as a result.

Perhaps in addition to a menu plan, food scale, fitday, a tape measure, and a cupboard full of better food items, I need a psychiatrist!  Echhh….!