Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 215.4 lbs.!

These fluctuations in weight are making me crazy and feel as if I have been through these same numbers for years now! I have inexplicably gained back a pound and a half since yesterday, despite eating what I thought to be quite moderately and well yesterday. For instance, I had shrimp (with some cocktail sauce) for dinner, peanuts (unsalted, in the shell) for snack in the evening, and a sandwich of lean sliced turkey and cheese on whole wheat and a banana for lunch and breakfast. Can this be water weight, and if so, why? Perhaps the big “P” is on its way (I am breaking out, feel achey and have wondered this anyway). But, still!

Whine!

I am feeling a little discouraged and am yearning to see some NEW numbers on the scale. Something with even a 13 in it would be glorious right now. I’m sure that anyone who struggles with their weight can understand. Its not even necessarily the loss of weight, but right now, for me, I need to see that I can still lose and that this “system” isn’t broken and my days of loss aren’t over altogether. They sure are starting to feel as if they are. I am also hoping to get under the 200’s sometimes this decade, and at this rate, even this won’t happen. This is when I start to feel discouraged and snarky and ironically then begin to self sabotage because it all feels too hard and hopeless anyway. And I certainly can’t afford to do this!

I didn’t mind plateauing or even gaining a little when I was blatantly “bad” through the holidays, but it is much harder on my psyche now that I am mostly back to good (well, better, anyway) and still doing the same weight wise. I will never be one for perfection here, so if I can no longer lose under these circumstances, I feel discouraged. I really hoped not to have to live a life of such austerity and restriction in order to keep losing, and if I do and it feels like perpetual dieting without the ability to eat “normal” foods or live somewhat “normally” without constant focus on every bite, I don’t think I am up for it. I am too busy, sensitive to feelings of deprivation, weary of the whole diet scene, rebellious and frustrated to ever become a measuring, calorie counting, mindful of every morsel type person. I just want to eat well, simply, moderately, with mindfulness to the basic tenets about proteins and such, and NORMALLY . One friend, who had this surgery years ago and lost to the point of skinny and has maintained beautifully, eats everything, including her favorite, pizza, but in small quantities. She pays little attention to numbers and just lives in the real world, eating small portions of what she likes, and doesn’t consider her pouch the end all and be all of her existence whereby it dictates how she lives to any more of a degree than to be mindful of the basics and take decent care of herself and her nutritional needs through supplementation.

Is it wrong of me to want such a life? Do I HAVE TO think, plan, restrict, count, focus on and obsess over everything I eat and do in order to get this “right?”

Do others?  Is success contingent on this degree of commitment? If it is, I guess that I never really appreciated that this is what I was in for post surgery…and it kind of feels the same as what I faced every day of my fat life before surgery!

Alright…I need to take a deep breath here and welcome any advice, support, encouragement, perspective or even spankings, in the mean time. Ack!!