01 January 2010 «Necessary Mutilation

A New Year - Before and After

Weight: 215.4 lbs.

I can’t believe that I started my hand written journal exactly one year ago today, and that my brother convinced me to post it as this blog, after I told him about it when I was recovering from surgery. When I look back at my earliest entries, especially those before gastric bypass and when I had just begun to entertain the idea and had the whole process to begin, I am amazed that this was only a year ago. It feels like a lifetime ago, and I am so embroiled in my current struggles to make good on the results, that I “forget to remember” how it all began and how many more challenges there have been along the way.

By comparison, things are much easier now, although still not a cake walk (bad analogy!) I wonder if there will ever be a time where I will feel “normal” and not so conscious of every bite I take, all the “rules,”(not that I necessarily follow them!) and where I stand with all of this. I almost can’t imagine how uncomplicated people’s lives who have no eating disorder or procedure to address this, must be. Sounds wierd, but without all these considerations, what exactly do skinny people who never have to think about such things, think about when they sit down to dinner?

And speaking of dinner, Tom and I had a delicious meal at the casino buffet, and I did my best to focus primarily on crab legs, chicken and chili. I strayed a little at the end by cheating on a few bites of ice cream, but was mostly pretty good, for me, anyway. I am sure that the amount I am able to eat would send most 8 monthers into a state of horror, but such has been my reality since day one and at least I’m not likely to suffer from malnutrition or deficincies, I guess.

Today Tom and I are meeting up with friends Barb and Rick and taking them to the casino in Fort Erie, across the border, as they have never been here and like us, enjoy a good gamble every now and again. Of course for us, now and again has become more like NOW, as we have gone way too many times in the last few weeks, calling each trip our holiday treat. Apparently food is not all that I am addicted to and make excuses for…and once again, Tom and I have resolved to not just get our dietary life in order, but to do better with all of our hedonistic aptitudes…ie: stop going to the casino so much! After tomorrow, of course. And maybe Monday, if we choose to return to play our “free” money and eat our “free” meal. If only ‘free” didn’t cost so much in so many ways!

Sigh….

Hey, in good news, I have been wearing this old nightshirt lately that I found buried amongst old clothes. It fits perfectly - and I just realized that it is “only” an X-large. This may sound strange to skinny people or those who have flown past Xl already, but for me it represents that I can probably go back to wearing Tom’s clothes (ha ha!), and shop in normal stores for clothes in the future. I also seem to be outgrowing items from my wardrobe in earnest lately, although the scale has only gone up. It must be what people refer to as losing sizes without the scale necessarily reflecting this. For the first time, I even agree that I must give up my bigger clothing items, as they really, really don’t fit anymore, and even smaller big clothes are so baggy as to compel me to let go. My inventory is shrinking quicker than ever, and if this keeps up, I WILL have to shop in a real store, and not just my basement!

Lastly, here are a few pics that represent before and after side by side (well, some weeks ago, anyway. I am having trouble downloading new pics to this site at the present time, so am using a recent shot that had already been downloaded) . It helps me to look at this as well, as it reminds me of where I started, how far I’ve come, and the importance of never going back there again!