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Weight: 212.4 lbs.
Tom remains quite sick, and I feel like crap of an undetermined kind. I slept poorly as my hips and lower back and tummy ached so, and I am full of restless, annoyed energy and just feel yucky. Tom has gone back to bed after getting up and eating a lttle. It is not even yet 9:30 am.
I can tell already that we are gearing up for another exciting day in the “B” household!
I did manage to force myself to work out this morning, but must say that it was strictly out of a sense of guilt and obligation. If I had my druthers, I’d be back under the covers myself now too. Last night Janet came over and we spent a low key evening eating Greek food out, and then vegetating in front of the tv together. I am guessing that today will be more of the same, sans Janet.
Tom’s nephew and his soon to be wife also stopped in on their way to take Tom to see their son wrestle, and I must say that they were a pleasant diversion from the blahs. They are young and brought energy and enthusiasm to our currently blah lives. Tom probably shouldn’t have gone out anywhere yesterday, but he too got caught up in the frenzy, and besides, isn’t one to sit much, even when sick. Today though, he is throwing in the towel on church, and we likely won’t run the errands we should either, as neither of us feels up to heading out in the 10 degree weather.
As to my weight and diet, I remain somewhat stymied and discouraged, but must divest and focus on just the simplicity of eating well overall and keeping on top of my exercise. This mentality helps, especially as I am weary and not up to thinking too deeply at the moment. Yesterday I chose souvlaki (chicken and beef mixed) for dinner, but cheated on some snack items of a tray of dried fruits, nuts and assorted other crunchies that we had laying around. I also drank probably way too much coffee throughout the day. I had half a wrap of cheese and turkey for brakfast, and pistachios in between. I think I did better on protein yesterday, but was lax on veggies. It is hard to get all the right things in every day. But, you gbers already know that!
Well, I am off to go feel sorry for myself now…and throw another load in the washing machine and such. Hopefully I can find the right balance between discomfort, misery, and productivity, on this lovely, freezing, blah, achey late January day in lovely Buffalo! Wish me luck!
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Weight: 211.5 lbs. (!)
It is after 9 am and I have just risen. Tom remains in bed which is highly unusual for him. If it weren’t for an occassional cough, I would be concerned that he was dead. He seems to be getting sicker, and I think that he had trouble sleeping last night due to his increasingly virulent cough. Stupidly, we did go out to dinner with friends Charlie and Nancy last night, and although we technically had a good time, this probably was too taxing for Tom who had also worked an extra shift at work and seems to be getting more and more run down. Today he is supposed to watch his nephew’s son wrestle at a local school, but maybe he’ll reconsider.
For my part, although I seem to have lost back what I gained, at least for the moment, I am sluggish, unmotivated and weary. I have been feeling lackluster for days, and can’t tell if this may be a precursor to physical illness, or if I am just suffering from the doldrums. Or both.
I haven’t exercised today yet, and at the moment, the thought of it ranks up there with needles to my eyeballs. I am achey and tired, and can’t actually think of anything I feel like doing. Poor Janet, who is in a terrible state herself, is due over for dinner tonight…and I am now wondering if this will be one misery fest rather than anything. Blechhhh….!
In other news, I seemed to have eaten what I though was more and worse yesterday, and of course, this is then when I seem to lose such that I am that much more confused about everything. For instance, I had eggs with cheese for breakfast (trying to up my protein too, as Canticles also suggested!), peanuts for later snack, some cheese slices for even later snack or maybe lunch, and dinner out which consisted of chicken with cheese, mushrooms and onions, cauliflower and brocolli on the side, and a salad w/ low cal dressing and some salt potatoes. I only ate a little of the latter, but pretty much cleared my plate of everything else.
So….although by my calculations I likely had more calories, did I lose because I had more protein, more sleep, more fluids (which I didn’t!), or it all just caught back up with me? Or, am I going to regain it back today as I often do anyway, making this even more moot?! Arghh… I always say that I need to get less caught up in day to day weights and diet, and look at the overall picture. Perhaps I need to stop fussing so, and do just this. Frankly, all this fretting is probably why I am losing again, as it probably takes a lot of energy to fuss this much!
Lastly, I am possibly on the cusp of some interesting data and perspectives regarding the toll that having PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) can take on this process. I used obesityhelp’s search engine to look up “slow weight loss” and found a plethora of posts in particular, from people who have pcos. Over and over they referred to many of the same things that I complain of, including feeling left in the dust by other gbers, excessive hunger, gaining, and of course, all the other unpleasantries associated with this condition, like excessive hair growth except on the head, and boils. I was chagrined to read posts that sounded so much like mine, including a woman who said that it is hard for others to understand us and our differences, and that this is very hard when the majority of people function so differently after gastric bypass. This sounds so much like what I have been saying ALL ALONG, and she too said that she has experience this difference since “day one.” Over and over people with pcos wrote of things that for the first time since my surgery, I can totally relate to and no longer feel so alone with. There had got to be something to this, although I hope that it ain’t so because if so, the journey in fact is that much more difficult for “us”, and the toll of the biology of this condition, is graver than I realized. So, I am not sure if I stumbled upon heartening or bad news - but I am sure to do more “research” and read all I can about others experiences with pcos and gb. On one hand I feel as if I may have discovered a world of others like me, and on the other, I fear having this condition as an “excuse” for personal responsibility, and am leery that it become just this. I also feel conflicted that on one hand I identify so strongly with what so many said about their seemingly unique struggles, but, I also must say that I think even those without pcos have stalls and plateaus and gains and what not, and the solution might be the same regardless of the reason.
What this did do though, was remind me that my primary physician had warned me years ago, that in having pcos, I had to be that much more vigilant about staying away from carby foods, as my system is that much more sensitive to them given the insulin resistance of this condition. He warned that I needed to lead a “carb restricted” lifestyle. I know that all gb’ers must emphasize protein first and limit carbs. Perhaps I need to be even more mindful of this, and limit even good carbs like fruits and grains? I don’t really know, but what I did read is that a lot of people who initially saw a reduction in some of their pcos symptoms like acne and hair growth, had a resumption of this with a vengence after 6 or so months. Just like me! And now I wonder if this may be because they have become lax, as I have, in limiting all carbs. Could this retrigger our hormonal imbalance, contributing to the stalls, slow loss and even weight gain, as well as the other problems, in a way that is magnified over that of “normal” gbers??
Eeck - my brain is on overload even though my body is on shut down. But, the good news is that this will leave me time to troll the net for more info., and should you care, you can find it here as I learn more.
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Weight: 213.7 lbs.
Sigh…I remain bloated or fat or stuck or retaining or full of food or whatever. And despite my best use of mantras and pep talks and denial and defense mechanisms not even invented by the APA yet, I am admittedly demoralized and disheartened by how hard this all is and how I haven’t really lost in ages now.I mean, I am only just yesterday at 9 months out…shouldn’t weight be coming off any easier or quicker. I don’t mean this for when I take liberties, but for times like yesterday again, when I feel that I did well by the “rules” and was conscientious and moderate.
Perhaps you can help be the judge. Yesterday I had a small leftover piece of turkey and cheese wrap (on low carb, whole wheat tortilla) with no condiments, for breakfast. I brought and ate a whole avocado and a banana for lunch at work. Admittedly, I did have about 6 leftover pretzels for crunch with my avacado.
For dinner I had leftover rotisserie chicken and some carrot sticks with french onion dip (about 10 baby carrots). I drank decaf and some regular coffee (at work), and some crystal light type juice at home. My pee stayed light, so I assumed I was getting enough fluids.
That’s it for my day’s consumption. Actually, yesterday I wondered if the meats and cheese that I ate had enough protein for my day, as it was less than usual plus I didn’t have my near daily nuts to boost my levels. Plus, in having eaten less, and no (time for) snacks, I didn’t get in the usual amount of veggies that I like to shoot for.
What do you think?
Then, last night I was weary very early (and had had a distressing day at work that I won’t elaborate on here but which I came home and spewed all over Tom about), and went to bed at 9:00. I slept fitfully at best, and had numerous apocalyptical dreams that evn as I write this, have left me feeling shook up and depressed. Awful stuff like the sky being on fire, losing loved ones, revisiting my childhood home and losing everyone in the process, and being lost in a an alien world after it has been destroyed by cataclysmic events. Ack!! Perhaps my weight gain is made up of the heaviness of the world on my shoulders! At least this is how it feels.
Sorry…no light and airy post today. Hopefully I’m not on a death march to work later too, although perhaps it is insidious anxiety about this as well, that is contributing to my disquiet and depression.
God I feel so f***ed up today! But then again, I feel like I’ve been through and in some regards continue to be at war…so I suppose this makes sense. I think that I just need to arm myself better….
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Weight: 214 lbs.
Well, I’ve managed to gain even more weight, and this combined with Tom being sick and bad winter weather is depressing and demoralizing me. Plus I had lengthy talks with three of my closest friends yesterday, all of whom are struggling with non-weight related, yet weighty issues. Everyone seems to be struggling these days. Although at the moment I may be more fortunate in certain areas, this chronic battle with diet and weight is taking a toll on my morale at the moment. Especially since I thought that I had eaten well and moderately yesterday…at least compared to many other times in which I did much worse, and didn’t gain at all.
In order to stave off hypoglycemia, I had a heartier breakfast of whole wheat wrap with low fat and thinly sliced turkey and cheese. For lunch, I had the remainder of this sandwich, a banana, and some cashews. For dinner, I had some rotisserie chicken purchased hot from a local supermarket, some cooked veggies that the package said had 140 calories for the single serving box, and later, some unsalted peanuts. That’s all - I swear! Was this really enough to gain even more weight on, or is something else going on here?! These are the questions that I ask myself, as it is difficult to assess what I should or shouldn’t be doing with a scale that seems to go up when I think it should go down, and vice versa. I also sometimes wonder if low blood sugar issues may be what fuels what seems to be heightened hunger on my part compared to what so many others experience post bariatric surgery. A co-worker who had the surgery a week after me told me a few days ago, that she is never really hungry still, and other than occassional cravings for salt or sugar, isn’t driven by hunger like I still am. In fact, I have been since day one, and even remember wishing they’d give me another blue popsicle after surgery, as the one they gave me left me still hungry for more. (You know - the popsicle that is so blue that if it comes through your port after eating it, as this is diagnostic of a leak.) Can anyone else honestly say that they remember being hungry post surgery, besides me?! If so, I would love to hear from you so I know that I am not alone here.
Blah blah, whine whine, yada yada….. Sigh. And the fact that its time to brave the storm warnings and recent snow fall and all, isn’t helping my spirits any. And besides yearning to hibrenate, its making me even hungrier!
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Weight: 213.8 lbs. !!
I had a very taxing day yesterday that included unbridled anxiety, hypoglycemia (?), relentless eating and stress. All were probably related and left me feeling miserable and off track. And look how much I gained in just a day! I am soooo depressed about all this today…!
I ate what I thought was a hearty breakfast of left over chicken stew/soup (I know, its a wierd breakfast!), and then ran off for a long day at work. Around mid morning I found myself weak, dizzy, starving and so shaky that I could barely function. Fortunately, a client had cancelled and I was alone at the time. I could barely grab and eat everything in sight fast enough, and this included a banana that I had brought, and some left over crap foods from last weeks staff meeting. I struggled to use the key to unlock our storage room where I knew the food was kept, as my hands were shaking so badly and the banana alone did not suffice. I ate a handful of pretzels, a leftover Chips Ahoy cookie, some chocolate nonpareils and a few candy corn. Complete sugary crap that had been there for some time and that I have passed over with no interest, until now. But yesterday, I couldn’t inhale them fast enough, and ate them with no regard to health or weight. And, I felt better within minutes…except for the guilt and remorse that followed.
What also followed was a long day of terrible “munchies” in which food from the bottom of my drawer was found and inhaled, including a granola bar, some nuts and later, more storage room pretzels. Plus, several cups of coffee, tea, and some crystal light. And I still came home starving - or perhaps because of this, I came home starving. What a friggin’ carb and sugar fest! And I didn’t see it coming or really even knew what hit me!
For dinner I had a large salad that had eggs, meat and cheese in it, and I hope for this to have detoxified me some, although I appreciate that the damage that I did to my self trust, sugar cravings and blood glucose levels will probably take longer to “heal.”
My question is whether true hypoglycemia started it all, or whether stress/work anxieties mimiced this and simply made me feel messed up and hungry. What compels me to believe that truly low blood sugar starting the ball rolling is not only the sudden symptoms I experienced, but the fact that my day had pretty much just started and I was operating on a relatively clean slate at the time and not yet stressed. The stress and anxiety seemed to come secondary to the supposed hypoglycemia and binge eating, and by late afternoon, I was all f***ed up. Supervision with Kevin in which he shared that “changes are on their way but I can’t elaborate now” and “can you come in Friday afternoon for a meeting with me and the other boss so we can assign you more administrative duties?”, didn’t help my state of being any! Now I am anxious, shook up both emotionally AND physically, regretful, guilt ridden, and FAT!
The only good news is that it will be hard to feel and do much worse today…AND, I am packing my own anti-hypoglycemia foods with some redeeming value (more fruit, an Atkins bar etc.) so I needn’t raid the storage rooms leftovers!
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Weight: 212.5 lbs.
When I was at the dentist yesterday, they had a copy of “Star” magazine, dated 1/25/10, in the wait area. In it was an article on behind the scenes with The Biggest Loser, and it was quite eye opening. If anybody has ever had any questions about the tricks that are played regarding registering huge weight losses for the show, this answers to that. For instance, a contestent (Kai, I believe her name was) wrote about how people purposely dehydrate themselves for days before weighing in, and take laxatives and do other potentially harmful things. Also, Jillian refers to the fact that although it may seem as if only a week has transpired between weigh-ins as it is a week for the viewers, that often it is a longer period of time, allowing for that much more of a weight loss. Shockingly, the article said that the actual average amount of weight lost by contestents per week is only 1.9 lbs. (!!) and not the huge numbers that we are tricked into believing. But, people are worked out hard and heavy, and the dangers associated with this and with trickery tactics people use to boost their numbers, can be very dangerous and that many struggle afterwards due to this and poor habits learned while there. Kai referred to the physical and mental anguish involved, and having gained I think 27 lbs. just on water after returning home, due to how dehydrated and ill (bruisey, losing her hair etc.) that she became while there. She added that the psychologist that they were supposed to be able to consult with was elusive at best, and that the show is more into sensationalism than caring for its people. A lot of “wow” in this article!
Oh, and I got my teeth cleaned!
Before this I put in a few hours at work, and am now momentarilly thrilled to actually be caught up. I have a long and difficult day scheduled today, with many clients to be seen. Last night we headed to the casino as pre-planned, and came home poorer rather than richer because we are stupid and stayed a played a little and put back in the $55 that we had won, and then some. And, to feel even more badly today, I also came home with a belly full of buffet, although I had already eaten a large serving of my leftover chicken soup/stew for lunch AND breakfast, and shouldn’t have probably have eaten quite so much at dinner. (Although, at least I chose relatively well by sticking with shrimp, some chili, chicken and veggie dishes, although I did cheat and have a tiny bowl of ice cream for dessert.)
So…today once more is back to reality and “the grind”, and the lessons learned are that I can’t be entirely trusted even on free days at the casino or at the buffet, and that I am currently not sure whether I am a winner or a loser or some combination of both. And that as always I am the only keeper of my own destiny, and that like was written about some on the Biggest Losers, I can use smoke and mirrors to look as if I am doing well, or truly commit to real change from the inside out.
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Weight: 211.9 lbs.
I had an all in day yesterday, and feel so much more balanced today as a result. I did several loads of laundry, filed more papers, and most inportantly, caught up on my job’s paperwork that I had brought home. I did several hours of this, and need to go in today to finish it off, copy it and hand it all in. I feel so much “cleaner” now!
Today I have a dentist appointment, and then tonight, we head to the casino for our usual Monday ‘freebies.” It is raining and yucky out.
I have worked out already this morning, and for the first time in several days, my lower back and hips aren’t paining me. I’m still not sure why they were in the first place.
Hey, and did anyone watch Extreme Home Makeover, last night? Pretty inspirational, huh? On the other hand, it made Buffalo look a little like a third world country, given the state of our housing stock on the West Side and all. I tried to see Tom and I in the crowd when they panned, but all I saw were thousands of fellow Buffalonians supporting the cause, cheering, and probably pooped from a long day, like we were. I was so happy to finally get to see what the Powell family was all about, and am heartened by their generosity, respectfulness, and maturity. What a great family, and I am heartened by the whole thing.
So, this was how Tom and I ended our otherwise low key day…and as a result, I have little else to say here today. I ate well and moderately (by my standards, probably not yours!) yesterday, including: oatmeal with pb, flax seeds, raisins and banana for breakfast, lunchmeat and cheese on a low carb tortilla wrap for lunch, some of those awesome “chips” I wrote about yesterday, chicken stew I made in the crockpot that included loads of veggies, for dinner, and nuts and a pear for snacks. Maybe these aren’t the lowest calorie foods, but I feel good about the balance of nutrients and the hearty nature of my choices. Clearly I am not one to starve myself or eat tiny bits, but I doubt that I am inclined to0 suffer from deficiencies, either. Between what I eat and my careful supplementation with Celebrate vitamins, I must say that I am feeling quite good and energetic and have no health complaints except the occassional arthritic thing. I actually don’t dread my next doctor appointments as I always used to, and think that I will be fearless in the face of blood work results, other than the taking of the blood in the first place, of course!
So, although I am not losing at the speed of light like some, I am content and don’t feel deprived or hungry beyond my tolerance. More importantly, I do now feel that I am choosing life giving foods that nourish not just my body, but my soul. For this transformation, I am extremely grateful! I will be challenged some by the buffet tonight, but since I am intimately familiar with it, also know that I can choose well even there, and find wholesome and healthy items that won’t compromise my new, improved mindset. I’ll let you all know tomorrow!
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Weight: 212.3 lbs.
What a pleasant surprise to have gone down in weight, especially given how much I ate last night when Janet was over and we made dinner together. We shopped first, and bought cold cuts for sandwiches, and these awesome tasting “chips” made of black sesame and sea salt. They have no trans fat, and are relatively low in calories and other bad stuff. Yummy too! Plus, Janet brought the fixins’ for smoothies for dessert. These consisted of spinach, blueberries, strawberries and pomegranite juice. I added some protein powder (strawberry flavored) to mine. I mananged to eat a large sandwich on whole wheat tortilla type bread, several chips, some carrots and dip, and later, a large glass of smoothie. We all pondered how a supposedly tiny pouch could hold so much.
But, it was all healthy and tasty stuff, and full of fiber…which is likely why I lost, if you know what I mean!
Today I am putting some chicken breasts and assorted frozen veggies in the crock pot to turn miraculously into a nice dinner for us. I love crock pot cooking as it requires little expertise or thought.
I look forward to laying low today, although I do have a lot of laundry, work from my job and other indooor unpleasantries to tend to.I’ve already worked out and put the first load in. But, there is something so nice about staying in one’s pjs til noon, while moving about at ones own pace. Perhaps I’ll never get dressed…and save myself the trouble of dressing and then undressing for bed!
Ah, there’s nothing like a lazy Sunday…! Here’s to wishing the same for you!
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Weight: 213.1 lbs.
I just compared today’s weight to my weight from last Tuesday (which is weigh-in day for the week) and realize that I am just back to where I was then. Although it is good that I have gone back down a little, I may end up not hardly registering a loss AGAIN this week, which is now making way too many weeks when I am not even losing 2 lbs. Or, 1 lb., for that matter. I will never make it to the hundreds at this rate, or certainly anywhere near “goal”, whatever that means. And, I have been better…really!
Well, there’s not much to do but forge forward, as always, and try my best a day and an hour at a time. I got up very late today, and am finding myself exhausted and depressed. I feel so depleted, my back and hips are aching, and I just want to curl back up under the covers and call it a day. I think that I have been fighting against such feeling for several days now, and in that it is the weekend, fear that I might succumb. Janet is due over this evening to “hang”, which is probably a good thing for me (and hopefully not bad for her!), as it will ensure that I don’t just shrivel up instead. I think I also need to tend to the underlying forces at work that may be weighing me down, although I am not too sure yet how to go about this. I won’t even elaborate here until I have a better sense of things.
I do know that one component of lingering sadness and frustration relates to my Compeer Kris, and her situation at the Psychiatric Center. I did call yesterday to check on her, and dread doing even this as I feel so at the mercy of whatever staff answers, and must accept whatever I am told, even if it is contradictory, rudely said, brief or seemingly inaccurate or capricious. Yesterday the staff said that she remains agitated, is on new meds whose names she didn’t reveal, is doing slightly better, and still can’t be visited. And that I should call back in a week. Last time she said to call back in “a few weeks”.
I don’t know what to make of her situation and status, don’t trust the system or its response to our involvement (meaning that they never inform us of any significant changes in her status and well-being, disregard our involvement, changeover constantly, and are only minimally engaged when I do try and connect around Kris). But worse, I don’t know what, if anything, to do. I hate this feeling and being in this position, and it goes against my own demons regarding feeling impotent, as well as my role as a social worker whose job it is to advocate for and make better the lives of people just like Kris. Yet, here we are having a personal relationship with her that is far more involved than any client I have ever counseled, of nearly 15 years duration, and are her only local advocates, and I have no idea what to do for her. Nor do I know whether it is even in her best interest if I were to advocate that we be allowed to visit or be more involved. It is hard to tell, given the state of her mental condition at present (or so they say), whether she would even know us, care to be with us, or if this would possibly agitate her further, as in fact we have witnessed during other times of decompensation in the past. She would cry inconsolably and wonder why we weren’t taking her out places like we used to, and no amount of explanation or comfort could penetrate her feelings of abandonment and despair.
I so wish there was someone I could talk to and feel better grounded from, regarding all this. My heart breaks for her, and I constantly feel guilty just sitting around doing “nothing”, and “accepting” that we can’t or shouldn’t reach out to her, and that I should just keep waiting weeks between calls to even check on her. Insert big ’sigh” here….
In less weighty news, or perhaps I should say weighty news, but of a different kind, Tom’s Compeer and his girlfriend came over to our house last night for the first time, and we fed them that spaghetti dinner I had won. They are polite, kind, dignified people, and I especially enjoyed his girlfriend who it seems I have much in common with. Thankfully, this match is going well, and “B” remains ok despite his own struggles with mental illness. I am grateful that Tom, and I by default, have this opportunity for being able to enjoy this relationship, and give back to someone that is not too compromised to appreciate it. On one hand this helps me feel less sad regarding Kris, but on the other it highlights how far she has declined (as she and I used to hang in similar ways before her decomps), and highlights that she is now absent from things. Who would have thought that I would have missed her this much?!
As to the other type of weightiness, I did eat a little of the spaghetti, although mostly a few strands that happened to be stuck to the honkin’ meatball that came with it. Tom wasn’t impressed with the meal, but I felt that it was quite good - probably because for me, spaghetti is a special treat, and not a staple, like it is for him. We also had salad, and they had the included garlic bread. I ate the leftovers of my souvlaki dinner, and was quite content with this.
Otherwise, I continued eating largely well yesterday, including a pear, some cashews, carrot sticks, eggs with cheese for breakfast, and a slice of flat bread with loads of fiber, and low carbs and calories. Tonight we have tentative plans to go to BJ’s with Janet and shop for the dinner that we will then prepare together. Unfortunately, there is just 3 of us as Debbie is ill…so not only will we miss her, but we will shop differently if only 3 of us will be eating. Janet suggested she also bring ingredients for her kick ass fruit shakes, and this sounds good to me!
Well, it is past my workout time and approaching what feels like mid-day…so I had better go run and get some stuff done. Hopefully I’ll be writing as a less depressed and slightly thinner person, tomorrow!
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Weight: 213.6 lbs.
I am chagrined to be up so early (5:30 am), restless and agitated on my sort of day off (I brought lots of work home), and to have gone up in weight despite being so good lately. I also know that I drank way too much caffeinated coffee yesterday and not enought other liquids to counteract this, and think that I may be a little dehydrated. I have a headache, and my pee has been quite dark. I will make an effort to drink up today, and have a crystal light by my side already this morning to get myself off on a better foot, hydration wise. I am somewaht apprehensive about tonight’s free spaghetti dinner that we are sharing with Tom’s compeer friend and his girlfriend, but at least as this is take out, I can prepare something different for myself without being as conspicious as if we were compelled to eat in the restaurant. On the other hand, they have never been over and I am bad at entertaining here and there is a lot to do to ready the house and such…so I am anxious about both the food, the company and the flow.
Eating and exercise wise yesterday, I worked out hard, and ate moderately and well. I am trying to concentrate more on leaner cuts of meat and cheese, and to have as many servings of veggies and fruits as I can. Yesterday was a little funky as far as when I managed to eat, given the demands of my job, but through the day I had tuna on wheat, cashews, a banana, some low fat cheese, split pea soup, salad and chicken and beef souvlaki meat. The latter dish I had when an old friend, Marlene, called unexpectedly just after I crawled home in a depressed, sad and demoralized state from work. She said that she was in the neighborhood and wanted to come over for coffee (hence the several cups I also had!). At first I balked given the state of my mood and energy, but long story short, she came and we all ended up talking for hours and going out late for a fine Greek dinner at Athenas. Actually, she turned out to be just what the doctor ordered (she said the same about us!), and her company may have helped stave off what was beginning to feel like a very dark mood coming on. I am so grateful for good friends and the inherent support, perspective, distraction and energy that flows from them!
Just before her call, I had come home in a state of sadness after leaving the home where “Nancy” had died, as I wrote about yesterday. In many ways things went “well”, but in many others, it was all just as I “feared” - deeply distrubing, sooo sad, wearisome, and humbling. I was introduced as someone who could help staff (no clients ended up being present as they had opted to go to their programs and what not instead) with their trauma and grief, when in reality, and I said so, I had nothing really to offer but my facilitation of their process. I encouraged and supported dialogue, and tears flowed, guilt and angst were apparent, and everyone was eloquent about the huge void in her absence. Clearly she was a very well loved individual who has left a hole in many hearts, and that the circumstances of her sudden death, possibly due to aspiration, have made this loss that much more difficult. I found myself tearing up as each person told stories about her and about the day of her death and their grief and shock in its aftermath, and one of my biggest fears of looking like a complete idiot, may have come to fruition. Hopefully they perceived me as supportive and understanding, and not the numnut that I felt like at times!
Sigh…onward, ho in every way again today, I guess.
I am also feeling the need to check in on some long lost souls both here and with phone calls if I have time later. There is my Compeer, Kris, who I haven’t had the chutzpah to follow up on given the painful nature of every encounter about her of late. But, I must today, as I have been worrying about her daily, and need to know if she might once again be able to tolerate visitors such that we could provide even a small modicum of support. I also need to follow up with some long, lost friends who I haven’t heard from in ages and am starting to wonder and worry about. I am guilty too of letting life lead me by the balls and having time get away from me, and only then later realizing that someone has fallen by the wayside or a call is long overdue.
This includes a friend from here who seems to have disappeared, made more worrisome by her latest blog entries about physical and emotional struggles just prior to her absence. Chris, if you are out there, please let us know how you are, if you don’t mind me asking. I certainly know how hard life alone can be, let alone without the added challenges associated with the changes that stem from bariatric surgery and a lifestyle makeover. Especially if food no longer provides any degree of comfort and everything we know becomes different faster than we can acclimate to it emotionally.
Also on my list, is my brother, the administrator of this site. Unfortunately, although initially I had hoped that doing this site together and combining his passion for all things computer, and mine for writing and “connecting”, that this joint endeavor may finally provide us both a platform with which to relate and nurture a somewhat fragile relationship. This seemed to be true at first, but now I am wondering if it was more a figment of my desire and in my enthusiasm, I had forgotten that our lifelong differences are so great that this connection may have been only artificial, at best. This has left me feeling rather abandoned, as well as pessimistic about getting any degree of support as the need arises here. Although much less frequent than when we first put this site up, there still remains occassional technical things to do and address, or this site could be in danger of “breaking.” I have not learned many aspects of upkeep necessary for its smooth operation, or to prevent disaster should something need tending to. And now, as Roy has made both overt and covert overtures that he is disengaging from his role, I am concerned for the integrity of this site that is over my non-technical head, and for the fragile connection I had hoped that he and I had finally forged as siblings. It is even possible that Roy is reading this now if his wife has called attention to this (as he had also made it clear that he otherwise does not read my entries), and that writing about it here is only going to make any possible rift, worse. On the other hand, I feel compelled to tell everyone what is real here, especially in that this may ultimately jeopardize my ability to continue this site. I will keep people posted.
In final and unrelated news, the episode of Extreme Home Makeover that was filmed here in Buffalo, is really, truly and finally going to be on this Sunday. I have heard that it is two hours long, and I certainly plan to watch! Whew, finally something nice to look forward to!
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January 31st, 2010 | 
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