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Weight: 214.7 lbs.
How I mananged to lose weight at this moment in time must be a testimony to the powers of the metabolic aspects of gastric bypass. (Which a lot can be read about in the “Idiot’s” book, btw). I guess the bottom line is that the lasagna and candy I ate yesterday as well as the rest of the buffet the rest of the week, have NOT defeated me. The good news about this is that it supports my sense of optimism that I can and WILL get back on track soon and don’t need the universe to punish me too hard for my transgressions to appreciate the need for this. The bad news, is the way the number on the scale can fuel misguided beliefs and denial, and now has lulled me a little into feeling somewhat like I can act with impunity. Which, my more rational mind knows is NOT so, and that even if now I have a metabolic advantage that may counteract my “cheats”, this won’t continue to be so later and this is my window for learning and exercising better control and choices and developing better habits.
I, probably like most others, get it and full well know when I am being dumb. I actually was wondering aloud yesterday whether it is an acceptable thing to sacrifice weight loss for a few weeks in order to live it up with food, at certain special times. Like now, of course. Is this an acceptable, if conscious, trade-off? Is this really playing with fire if one really does intend and then does, get back on track in short order afterwards? How damaging to the body, psyche, integrity of the mission etc. is this really? Am I in la la land about this? Does anyone else ponder such things? Being true to honesty and the innermost thought here, I am confessing on myself, and hope no one considers this advice or a consideration to emulate, btw. I now feel that I should add this clause given the fact that I am “published”, lol!
So…here we are at Monday and have a little reprieve from all the eating and fun of the past days. (Although tonight we must do our usual freebie playing at the casino and will likely eat there while at it).
I remain weary, but content, and had some peaceful, melancholy moments last night reflecting on how blessed I feel to be surrounded by such good people, freedoms and wonderful opportunities. I was thinking during the delightful visit with Tom’s family, how nice it is to be part of a fun and happy group of people who enjoy one another and celebrate with gusto. I talked some with Kay about family traditions and expectations, and as I listened to her, realized that in my small and joyless family, we had none and holidays were just as likely to be fraught with trauma and bring about disaster, as they were to be enjoyed. Abuse and dysfuntionality tends to do this, especially when tensions run high and people who have issues gather.
So, now I feel especially happy to have been accepted into a kind and fun loving family who instead of arguing, sings Christmas carols with Paul at the helm with his guitar, and who reminisces about earlier days of lore. And for having a wonderful husband at the core of it all, of course, and good friends who are there at every juncture. And will be returning again on Christmas morning for a homemade breakfast here.
Happy…but still pooped….
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Weight: 216.2 lbs.
…and ate them all. Then add taco dip, shrimp, olives, veggies and dip, a sandwich, assorted other munchables and a cookie or two, and this about sums up what I ate yesterday. Oh, and meatballs, too. And, some fruity wine that made me woozy after a few sips. And high test coffee - lots of it. Here’s a pic of just one table of spreads. When shopping for snacks earlier this week, I did try and focus on some relatively healthy choices, including terra cotta chips made from veggies (not potatoes or fried!), and something called lavash bread that has fiber and is low carb and calories. But, of course, I also nibbled on “regular” crap that others brought!
As planned, our friends spent a long evening eating, talking, listening to Christmas music and later watching tv, and eating some more. We exchanged some cards and gifts, and overall, had a fine time. Here’s a few pics to capture the essence of it all. Janet forbade us to show her face here, so like the Amish, you won’t be able to see her graven image and will have to use your imagination. And, as Pete had to leave early, we never got around to capturing his mug, so lucky for him, he won’t be immortalized here either.
Here’s one of me nearly 90 lbs. lighter than last Christmas! (To the right! To the left would be Debbie who weighs altogether about what I have lost!)
Earlier in the day, Kay and Paul were summoned back to our house to help with a printer problem that it seems Paul inadvertantly caused when here yesterday, and which knocked out our phone line. While here, Kay ended up being fitted for a costume to wear later when she and Paul were to be surprise guests at Paul’s sister’s 80th birthday party. Apparently no one knew that they were in from Florida, and Paul was to be fitted with a gorilla costume by his one friend who was in on it, but Kay had nothing to hide herself in. Lo and behold, we had this costume in storage, and here is a shot of Kay trying it on for size.
We can’t wait to hear how it all turned out for Mr. Gorilla and Mrs. Gift. Which will be easy, as we are back with them tonight when we all gather for part II at Tom and Kay’s sister Joanie’s house. Fortunately or unfortunately, we will be feasting once again, and it is scheduled to be “catered” by a nearby Italian place who carries lasagna. We will be adding in many of today’s leftovers, and no doubt, I will be bad once again. It is becoming a blur of “badness’, and I am about to throw my hands up in resignation and wait until 2010 to exercise any meaningful control. Tonight was so bad, in fact, I am about to cross my own blog out of the Complete Idiot’s book myself…except for the fact that given it’s title, perhaps this is just where I should be referenced!
Or, maybe I’ll write my own book someday. How’s this sound: “Memoirs of Moronic Meals, Munching, Musings and Menus by a Matronly, Misguided, Monstrous Mess”?
Move over, Stephen King!
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Weight: 215.6 lbs.
Me so tired! We had a thoroughly enjoyable and lovely time with Kay and Paul last night, but today as expected given the weeks stress, my period, and holiday toll, I just wanna crash! Plus, my diet being as it is can’t be helping any, especially since I have reintroduced old toxins into a relatively pure system and I think both my pouch and my system aren’t sure how to respond.
Last night I did join in for some wings, although was satisfied with just 3. They were of the xx hot variety, and today I am paying the gastrointestinal price! I also was pleased to see chili on the menu and thought it would be a good idea to order a large cup so I was less likely to eat the even worse stuff. But, like yikes…chili AND hot wings! Needless to say, I am a gastronomic nightmare today. Urp…!
I didn’t eat a single fry however, and in my past life, I would have walked miles for a Duff’s french fry! I also only munched on one carrot stick and one celery piece with blue cheese, and ate just half of a slice of the cheese cake awaiting us all back home. And before we went, as strategized, I purposely ate some lean turkey slices and a little cheese to dampen my appetite and get in my required protein. Although my appetite was still kicked right back up by the eu’ de chicken wings that permeates the whole neighborhood surrounding Duff’s and makes it so hard to resist grease once you get seated. And speaking of, for those unfamiliar with Buffalo eateries and wing joints, they had fliers throughout the restaurant noting that the Travel Channel is filming there (and at the Anchor Bar, another local wing joint) tomorrow (!), and that this episode should air early in the new year! So, Chris and others from places that aren’t here, you could see for yourselves what a Duffs is and just how tempting their food can be! Or not!
This may sound horrible to you purists, but for me, the fact that I used some restraint and only ate a little of such temptations, reperesents some degree of success for me and I am ok with this. My weight seems to be holding relatively steady as well, although I expect that I would stand a chance to be losing if I weren’t taking such liberties. I guess I’ll have to save the losing for later, and be glad for not gaining for now!
Now tonight, we are entertaining once again, and yesterday Tom and I ran around to several grocery stores to buy the items of choice for the pot luck. Of course, I shopped like I’d never heard of bariatric surgery and was expecting a herd of elephants over rather than just 3 friends. We spent nearly $100, and got 4 types of cold cuts and fancy breads for the sandwiches, toppings of all sorts including tomatoes made of cardboard as they are every winter in Buffalo. We also got the 14 slice flavored cheesecake to cover both nights of entertaining, a nut platter, shrimp, veggies and dips and assorted other crap. And Debbie, Janet and Pete are bringing more stuff too! Pete is down for homeade swedish meatballs, Janet for taco dip, and Debbie for fresh rolls and chips.
And I am excited like I would have been in the past when I could actually eat it all. I unfortunately still love being surrounded by food, and will surely nibble on bits of everything as in my pre-bariatric days. I expect that the only difference will be in the quantity I consume. At eight months out, this does represent a new degree of leniency on my part, as earlier out, I would not have probably allowed myself certain items at all. I am thinking that once holiday stress and temptations subside, that I will resume this stricter approach. I hope that it will come as naturally and I will be as able as I now think I can…. I would imagine that this dilemna replicates that of millions no matter what lifestyle or diet they subscribe to. You know, the “I’ll do better after the holidays” mantra.
I guess time will tell, and seeing as my life is an open book here in blog land, you too will know if I meant it and how or if I succeeded.
And for now, I am going to lay low until evening company arrives as I am pooped and poopy and can’t think of anything better for my weary body, spirit and mind right now, than some mindless tv, the newspaper, and perhaps even a nap! Halleliuah to that!
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Weight: 215.7 lbs.
Echhh…I feel cruddy - you know, bloated, achey, crampy. I won’t elaborate why but you women already know!
Just the same, I worked out this morning, although admittedly somewhat half heartedly. Last night at the Compeer party, I again ate too much. There was roast beef and chicken and salad and mashed potatoes and beans and cake. Well, these are the items that I ate, anyways. Yes, all of them! And some coffee, too! We munched and talked and I was pleased to see several old and current consumers of our services who seemed equally as pleased to run into me. It was a joyful, happy event and we were also pleased that Tom’s new Compeer friend was able to go and enjoyed himself as well.
However, there was also a tinge of sadness due to the call I received earlier in the day from the Psych. Center that informed us that my Compeer, Kris, was in acute mental and medical crisis and was being taken to our local hospital for an evaluation and for her safety as she has been very floridly psychotic and thereby aggressive towards herself and others lately. This would be sad news under any circumstances, but made that much moreso by the fact that for nearly a decade she so enjoyed the Compeer Christmas events, and we were already sad that she is no longer able to be taken out. Please keep her in your thoughts, especially through this holiday season that she is unable to appreciate.
In other news, Tom’s sister and brother-in-law have arrived from Florida, and have asked that we meet them at Duff’s, for dinner. Now Duff’s, for those of you not familiar with Buffalo, is a wing institution - you know, famous for awesome and especially hot Buffalo wings. And nearly nothing else. As in this is about all there is on the menu, unless you consider french fries, burgers or beer, food. Not an especially healthy choice for anyone, let alone a post gb’er.
They love Duffs and having the chance only to go when in town, this is a special treat for them. I however am somewhat apprehensive and if I eat wings, and knowing me I am sure that I will, this will be my first wing fest since surgery. Before surgery, I am embarassed to say that they were nearly a dietary staple- especially the suicidal ones! MMMM, mmmm!
Now, knowing that grisly, fried and suicidal crap just can’t be a good thing for my pouch, mission, or integrity, I am worried. If anyone has ever had a whiff of the incredible grease and hot sauce smell that emanates from such a restaurant as Duff’s, you would know that NOT eating wings is hardly possible once you have entered the “zone”.
So, what is my strategy? Well, I am considering eating good quality high protein food before I go, both to dampen my appetite, and to fortify me so any wings would just be ‘dessert’. Maybe I can nibble a few for taste, and keep my mouth busy talking, the rest of the time. This shouldn’t be too hard…lol!
Oh well, in any case, this allowed me another Christmas song titled entry in my quest to do this each day until the 25th. So, although I may be screwed up dietarily, at least my sense of humor and wierdness is not lost.
Sigh…for now anyway, I’ve gotta take what I can and run with it!!
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Weight: 215.7 lbs.
I am trying hard not to stress about the many things on my plate at home and at work, and must admit that I am starting to fray around the edges (again!). I am subscribing to an”oh, well” attitude about the reference to this site in the Idiot’s book, the fact that I indeed have been sorely off track lately, and the increasing stress at work making me wonder how I ever entertained the idea of taking on ANOTHER job in the first place. The latter scenarios are somewhat expectable given the season, as both my “diet” and work load tend to go off track at this time every year. I am trying to comfort myself with such thoughts, but deep down, and perhaps a good thing, I know that I am not dealing as well as I could or should be and can’t make excuses that may compromise my success and healthy mindset. If so, then in fact I am guilty as charged by Margeret Furtado’s reference.
I did manage to read much of it last night and did find it interesting and helpful…especially the parts about supplementation and deficiencies. I also went to some of the other sites referenced, including one that had a lot of interesting information about the Biggest Loser, some of which spoke to my questions regarding how contestants are able to lose so quickly and why they don’t appear to be flabby. I’d recreate some of it it here, but it makes more sense and it will be more comprehensive (and not plagarism!) if I just give you this site. It is: www.rebeccascritchfield.wordpress.com. Very interesting stuff here!
Also last night, I worked out before a late dinner, as I hadn’t had time in the morning and I now typically feel guilty and as if I am missing something if I don’t. This did also help to relieve some stress from my again difficult and strenuous day. Today is gearing up to be “worse”, as I have many many clients back to back and so much papaerwork that there is little hope that I will have it all done in time before it is due next week. I have asked my supervisor if I can in fact come in on Monday just for this purpose, as there is also little hope that I will have time to address it all on Tuesday or Wednesday when everyone on my whole caseload wants to come in and be seen due to Christmas depression or the winter blahs. Although they are working on a new system whereby we will no longer get paid for paperwork time in excess of a small amount, he did authorize this as an exception, knowing that I am not coming in for sh..s and giggles, and its like I would rather pull my remaining hair out strand by strand rather than have to give up a precious day so close to Christmas! (But, it’s hard to feel too sorry for myself given that most people work Mondays every week!)
Tonight Tom is picking me up straight from work as we have the Compeer Christmas party to attend at 6:00 and it is nearer by my job than home and I wouldn’t otherwise have time to drive all the way home first. I expect that it will be a good time and I look forward to seeing my friends there, but at this moment in time, I mostly feel stress about it as it lengthens my already long and challenging day. As some of my current and past clients will also be there, it can also feel a little bit like work at times. I will have to try hard to get my festive on! And once again, not eat too much!
I continue to feel very nibbley lately, and keep thinking I am hungry when in fact it is probably just my stress speaking and the likelihood that I am due for my period soon. Last night after an already late dinner, I did give in and had some dry popcorn with Tom, and enjoyed mine with hot sauce on it. This is not a good idea so close to bedtime, I have discovered, both for calorie sake, and as the hot sauce acts as a stimulant and I found myself ready to run a marathon rather than hunker down, last night. Now, I am all discombobulated and tired, likely from lack of sleep and late night eating.
Otherwise yesterday I guess that I wasn’t too bad - but then again, we didn’t have any special events to go to and stayed home and had cold cuts (lean turkey and ham slices with cheeses) for dinner. It is days like the next three that will be more challenging for me, although I am at some risk everywhere due to the unstoppable munchies that plague me lately and that I continue to make excuses for rather than confronting head on what may be underlying my newfound leniency(whatever this may mean).
Although denial can be a temporarily comforting thing, I think that I will need to keep working on a mantra of “noel” and not “oh well” if I hope to succeed!
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Weight: 216.2 lbs.
Before I confess my “worst fear,” I’ve gotta ask what’s up with the listing of how much weight I lost since last week?! Lest anyone think it was my sick humor or idea to post my weight loss to a zillionth of a percentage, I am just as shocked as you may be by this. I mean it even takes up two lines! (The computer does the math and fills this area in after I simply note my weight in a special box behind the scenes.) If I were less computer illiterate and had any sense as to how to fix this, I would. I can only hope that my brother, this site’s administrator, knows what to do, or I fear that all my future weights will register similarily. On the other hand, I guess it can’t hurt to know my weight loss to such a minute percentage just in case I ever lose so little that this may become relevent!
Now, let me refer to the kind of day I had at work yesterday to set the stage for the kind of evening I then proceeded on to. Horrible, frustrating, exhausting and demoralizing are adjectives that come to mind. I worked like a dog non stop and just got further behind, only to be warned in my evening supervision that we may be switching over to a new reimbursement model whereby counselors would no longer be paid for more than an hour of paperwork and other duties per day. Salary would be based solely on contact with clients instead. meaning, that days like yesterday would kill my stats and my paycheck, and basically, I couldn’t survive in this position on days (most) where demands of types other than direct contact were great.
Anyway, I came home at 7:30, spent and starving as other than a handful of nuts I scarfed up lest I pass out about 6 pm., I had no time to eat all day. And guess what I came home to?! Well, remember my somewhat joking yet worry about this site being referenced in the “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Eating Well After Weight loss Surgery.” I said that I feared that if indeed Necessarymutilation was in the appendix, that I would be cited as an example of who not to emulate.
Well, I was, kind of. Here’s what it said under “Websites and Blogs” in the appendix: “Some of the blogs listed here are personal blogs, and some are more professional. Not all these bloggers always follow the rules your surgical center may provide you with, and some of these folks may not be the best examples. But you might find their sites to be useful, so we’ve included them here.”
NM is one of only 10 listed, and obesityhelp, melting mama, weightlosssurgerychannel and other known and healthy and legitimate sites, including the author of the books site, comprise the rest. You tell me who’s not “the best example”?!
Echhh..! Incorrect, I suppose not. Shocking, not really. Hard to hear, yeah! Sad but true, I guess so. The good news is that I suppose I’m now “famous” for something. The bad news of course, is what. Or, perhaps this is really a compliment about the gritty, honest, realistic and controversial nature of not just my blog, but the underbelly of the beast!!
What do you think?!
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Weight: 216.2 lbs.
I think that I managed to lose an ounce or two during this week of overeating and partying! Given that in my past life I probably would have GAINED 20, I am very ok with this. Besides, my overall average weight continues to go down at a slow but steady pace.
Yesterday we did eat the buffet at the casino, and I tried to concentrate on good proteins as much as possible. I started with crab legs, and ate a few before I moved on to shrimp, a bbq chicken breast, and some chicken soup and carrots. I also ate a little chili with shredded cheese. I was nicely full when done, and had no room or interest in desserts afterwards. As to playing there, we came home about $95 to the good - which we will use as food and going out money through the week and which hopefully will last until next Monday when we return for more!
Today I work long and late, and then Thursday night is our Compeer Christmas party; Friday Tom’s sister and brother-in-law are in town from Florida and joining us for dinner, and Saturday, our friends Debbie, Janet and Pete are coming over for a Xmas gathering. (This also means that we have to clean, clean, clean!)
Lately I have been reading Chris’ blog and then thinking a lot about the concept of expectations and beliefs related to gastric bypass. I have given thought to what I envisioned it would be like now and what I had hoped for, compared to the reality of things. Like Chris, I had hoped to have cravings and appetitie nicely reduced to a reasonable level so that I could avoid temptation and exercise minimal self control to stay on track. I prayed to have most of the burden of having to rely solely on will power taken over for me, and believed that this was the primary benefit of gastric bypass given the supposed influence on hunger (ghrelin production) and appetite. I have discovered that although this is true to some degree, that this seems to be less so for me than for most others, AND that choices at every juncture are still largely up to my brain and not my stomach. Some foods, like fried clams that I used to worship and once wrote like a whole blog entry about, I no longer crave and seem to escape my radar rather than me feeling compelled to order them whenever we are out. Now, I naturally gravitate to better and not fried choices, like souvlaki’s and salads. I am stymied as to what this metamorphasis is about, and for me, it is the most clear cut and compelling difference that I experience and that seems to come from nowhere. I also find that I like certain foods that I didn’t used to, and am happy with certain healthy items (ie: cooked veggies and raw fruits) that I wouldn’t have given the time of day in the past. It is strange to me that I feel this way, and am also not sure what the physiological processes is behind this. But am grateful for it!
Otherwise, I am not sure that this is how I envisioned things at this point in time. Maybe I thought that I would drop weight quicker or be freed of all food craving and appetite. I can’t actually remember exactly what I believed would be so, and now am not sure that I took inventory in this way beforehand. What I DO know is that I felt such a sense of despair, fatalism and failure beforehand, that I was desperate for any relief and hope, and just knew that I had to do something radical or I would die. I read other people’s stories and learned what I could beforehand, but as Chris so eloquently says, you can only really imagine and guess what you will feel and be like afterwards yourself, and it is easy to imagine following rules perfectly and doing great every moment of every day, only to find that it is all different and harder than you thought and that you are far from perfect or the epitome of self control. I too think that I am feeling and doing differently than I had hoped that I would be, and that this journey is more of a ride than I could have ever imagined. It is hard to explain, and probably equivalent to having children or something. I’m sure that people can psyche themselves into believing all sorts of things about what type of parents they will be when they finally reproduce, only to discover the process of raising little ones to be way different and perhaps harder than imagined, and themselves far less than the Mother Theresa they had hoped to emulate!
Whew…well I am done waxing poetic as it is time to do more mundane things like shower and prep for work! I’ll save my last bits of “wisdom” for my clients!
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Weight: 215.6 lbs. (!)
Somehow I managed to lose weight despite my eating hedonism and testing of the limits lately. No one is more surprised by this than me! Yesterday at the metal detecting party I once again made some poor choices and ate too much, including breaded pork chops, a little mashed potatoes, some ambrosia salad, and desserts. I am still chargrined with myself that I allow previously banned items into my diet, and have not fully wrapped my head around what has changed for me that I am being more lenient with myself in this way. Those I have spoken to about it, heavy or thin, post surgery or not, all shake their heads knowingly and speak of Christmas temptations. I am hoping that it is as “simple” as this, because that implies that when the holiday is over, I will have less to contend with and a resumption of better self control. Or will I?
What an enigma that I managed to go down more than a pound given this. Plus, late last night, after returning from the party, I had handfuls of unsalted peanuts in the shell, mindful of their high calorie count, but assuming that I had blown the day anyway, so what the heck.
Go figure….
Today we are heading to the casino for our usual Monday foray, but must be good and stay only long enough to play our “free” money, and eat. I think we have a date with the buffet.
I worked out today, but not yesterday, and may add a 2nd routine in later as I am off and we don’t head out until this evening. Hopefully this will help counteract any damage I may do during dinner, and boost my energy and metabolism that much more.
Otherwise today is a low key day with typical errands, fussing and ya ya to do. I am glad for the pace to be slowing down a little, and also hope that this may reset my mentality, allow me to ponder the error of my ways, and slide back on track.
Until the end of the week when more parties, out of town guests and assorted gatherings take place….
Yikes! Tis the season…!
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Weight: 217.7 lbs.
As this is Buffalo, NY, after all, I could be referring to Holiday Valley or Kissing Bridge ot any of our infamous ski resorts that are awash with snow given our recent blizzard like weather. But, as this is a blog about bariatrics, I am not referring to skiing or slopes of snowy wonder, of course. I am referring to my eating habits of late. And my weight gain. I may as well have wriiten 292.7, given how fat and bloated and stiff I feel. Indulgence and excess will do this to you, I guess.
Yesterday was a wonderful and fun day, starting with a shopping excursion to BJ’s, eating lunch there with Tom, and then fussing throughout the house, which I am wierd enough to enjoy. We will be having a huge garage sale in the spring, and I have been finding things everywhere to price, box up and put in the garage for easy set up come sale day. Not surprisingly given our lifestyle, there is gobs of stuff with much more to come.
Anyway, after a healthy and moderate breakfast of scrambled eggs, I ordered a large beef frank and a pretzel and some popcorn at BJ’s as we were both very hungry by the time we got there. But, what was I thinking eating so much starch?! And such (tasty) crap!
I think knowing that I was likely to draw outside the lines at dinner, predisposed me to start early, despite all the talks I had had with myself (and you!) beforehand.
So, by the time we joined Barb amd Rick for a night of talk, laughter, merriment and EATING, I was already throwing caution to the wind and reveling in the abandon that comes from living life “normally” and without “rules”. The only residual limit I set was ordering the steamed veggies instead of a potato alongside my surf and turf dinner. Although I suppose that surf and turf (2 petite steaks and a lobster tail) in and of itself isn’t bad at all…but would have been better without the use of drawn butter and the consumption of a whole bowl of chicken wing soup that came with it. And, half a slice of warm, italian bread. And then later, a large decaf. with some cappuchino mixed in and a bite of Tom’s jelly roll. (That didn’t sound good…get your minds out of the gutter! You know what I mean!)
On top of this, we stayed until after midnight, and didn’t go to bed until 1:30. I am feeling logy and “heavy”, and at the moment, can’t even imagine seeing a piece of exercise equipment today. The thought of moving my stiff, achey self is too big for me right now, although this is probably just when I need it most.
Bed sounds better…and then it will be time to go party some more! Today is our metal detecting party and with my current mentality/laxity, I am doomed once again. I should have ordered a lobotomy with my bypass!
…well, there’s always tomorrow to get back on track, right?!
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Weight: 217.4 lbs.
There have been many times that I was stymied as to why I wasn’t losing, or worse yet, why I had gained or was hovering endlessly, weight wise. This time isn’t one of them! I am aware that I am 100% to blame for any gaining or stalling that I do. I was as “bad” as I’ve been since surgery last night, and amaze even myself at how off track I let myself get. I think that I even went to the “party” with the mentality that anything goes, and set no real limits for myself before or during the event.
Also, as it is really something that Tom belongs to and as a result I don’t know anyone and tend to feel socially awkward, my “company” became a big plate of food. No one else sat at our table and the event was strangely poorly attended compared to past years, such that when Tom wandered off to talk to the chief of police or whoever, I was left alone and uncomfortable. Not an excuse, but I am trying to portray the scene of the crime.
Anyway, they had a full dinner of rolled roast beef, rolls, salad, many pasta dishes and potatoes, as well as dips and chips and desserts of all kinds. Everyone is compelled to bring a dish to pass to accompany the main meal, and most people, unlike me who brought a store bought nut and candy platter, cooked or baked their little hearts out. It would be rude to not try a little of everything, right? (Sarcasm for those who are unclear about this!)
Anyway, suffice to say, try everything, I did. Including small bites of many of the dessert dishes. To the point of stuffedness and discomfort and guilt. Like old days. Like I never had surgery. Like I still weigh 300. Like there was no tomorrow. Like I could care less about the path I am on. Like I am stooopid!
So today, I must take stock and re-evaluate myself and my priorities, and question once again, what evil forces lurk and what I need to do to counteract these. And why I can eat as much as I can. At 8 months out, can my pouch have grown back to stomach size? I still wonder why it takes so long for satiety to register for me, or am I just ignoring the signals? Of course yesterday, I moved past “full” to stuffed both consciously and purposely. Clearly I tested the limits and lost, and once again, am sobered by the fact that I can’t rely on my pouch to tell me when to stop or where to draw the line. I need my faulty brain to do this, and clearly yesterday, it was on break.
Sigh…today should be equally as interesting, but I hope to approach it with a more intelligent perspective. I have worked out extra hard already, and plan to eat eggs for breakfast, as everyone knows that these tend to dampen the appetite as well as provide a good start for daily protein. Yesterday I had cereal, which right off the bat set me into carb mode, and by lunch time I was flush with shakiness, hunger, and the hypoglycemic feeling of disorientation and dizziness. I did this to myself too by not prioritizing protein and eating carbs., especially in the morning when I seem to be most sensitive.
So…I am hopefully ready to embrace a better day, eating wise, although admittedly the french onion soup at Panes may be too much temptation to skip! At least I am honest!
Stay tuned…!
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December 21st, 2009 | 
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