Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 216.5 lbs.

I feel like a simpering, whining, spoiled brat. But I feel down, sluggish and sad. I’m not sure if my struggles with diet and weight are contributing to this, or if depression is causing me to be apathetic about taking better self care. I do feel as if I am caught up in a vicious circle of sorts, and am inexplicably down lately. I keep taking inventory about this, and realize that Buffalo winter, post-holiday let down and some work worries and stress may be factors, but I’m not convinced that these are substantiative enough to warrant feeling so blah. I also figure that eating sugar can’t be helping, and physiologically I feel worse too. Bloated, swollen, achey, less energetic, tired etc.

I had to get up earlier than usual today for what will be a long, stressful day at work, and feel such a sense of dread that it reminds me of olden days of diagnosable depression. If it weren’t for Tom’s insitence that I get up, as I had coached him last night, I also would probably still be sleeping. I am so blessed to have a husband who bounds out of bed, typically cheerful and bouyant, and who wakes me nearly every day with a back rub! But, no amount of massaging made me care to move today, and if I had my druthers, I’d be back in bed with the covers over my head.

Yesterday I received an e-mail back from the head of Celebrate vitamins, after posing a question to him about supplementation. I have also become concerned that since switching from bariatric type chewables (multis) to a cheaper, generic brand from BJ’s, that I may not be getting enough nutrients. I had read in the Furtado book that some non-bariatric vitamins have a coating that makes absorbtion difficult for us bypassers. I have been worried that I might be feeling so tired because I am no longer getting the nutrition I need from both vitamins and of course, my food in that I am eating more poorly/less protein lately.

Anyway, Vic wrote back and has been a wonderful source of information in addition to providing me the great quality products that I need. He did imply that I would likely do/feel better with higher quality vitamins designed for our special needs, although wasn’t convinced that the ones I am now taking would necessarily have a deleterious coating on them. Either way, I am happy that I will at least be taking a product with confidence again, and will be able to eliminate this as a possible suspect in my decline. I also continue to take Celebrate brand iron and calcium, so don’t worry anymore about being deficient in these nutrients.

If this funk persists even after I am back on track in the New Year, and have adjusted to winter, the holiday and work breaks being over, and whatever is on my plate, then I may need to revisit the issue of whether a more clinical depression has set (back) in. I am of course prone to this, and have been on and off anti-depressants much of my adult life. The last time was after I let my mood slide for too long, and ended up literally going to my primary doctor’s office, without an appointment, awash in tears and the near inability to carry on anymore. (And believe it or not, they sent me away and said that he had no time and didn’t prescribe under these ciorcumstances anyway!) I then had to repeat this “performance” for my gynecologist (!) who could get me in more quickly, and she was sympathetic and concerned enough to write me for Paxil. Which I hate taking and hope not to have to again, regardless of who I may get it from. So, I truly hope that this is a more temporary glitch in my affect, and/or that more natural measures that I take will ameliorate it. And I think that getting back to losing weight may be a good morale boost, and a long overdue shot in the arm of confidence and empowerment. I seem to be lacking some of both lately too.

So…I am off now to work what should be my final day this week unless I don’t get everything done and hafta go back to finish tomorrow. Otherwise, this will be my last long weekend before the new year and all of its work requirements also take effect, and I am back in the saddle full swing. For right now anyway, I have very mixed feelings about this too, especially if I am entering into the new year and bigger expectations with lagging energy, apathy and dysphoria. Lately I just want to sit around and do nothing or play endless games of Scrabble on my new laptop. Obviously, this mentality isn’t compatible with getting things accomplished and dealing with the public and responsibilities!

Wish me luck here…and off I go for a trial run!!