Necessary Mutilation

Weight: 216.9 lbs.

There’s little doubt that I will show a gain for this week’s time period, whcih although it won’t be the first time since surgery, it will probably be the highest weight gain to date. Today we are heading to not just one, but two casinos for a day of gambling and eating. Typically we don’t really play on Mondays, but rather go for the “freebies.” But, today, as it feels as if it is still part of the bigger Xmas “break” and as Tom is off all week, we had planned to enjoy this day out. One casino has an offer to give us the equivalent of what a Nexus pass costs each ($65 Canadian) and two free buffets, while the other, the one in the states, is “double points Monday” and between us, we have over $100 free dollars to play. We may or may not just play for keeps…ie: leave after we have gotten what we can from our “free” money. Since today was to be a fun and whole day there, I doubt that we will have the will power to leave so soon as we typically do on Mondays, however. And I will probaly eat too much too.

I am both glad for the day off to play, and a little apprehensive, given my newfound inability to control hedonistic appetites lately. I had originally thought that I had some addictive cravings licked or at least in better control, but have learned that these never really go away and likely, a lifetime of effort will be needed to maintain even a modicum of restraint. The fact that I had been better may or may not be attributable to the biology of the surgery itself…and I am thinking that it may have been more of an illusion than anything. My brain is still set on “craving” and although this can apparently ebb and flow at times due to any number of factors, it is still a brain on speed and requires diligence to address.

This having been said, I was slightly in better self control yesterday, although certainly not as “good” as myself a few months ago or as I know I should be. I still made some excuses for myself around a piece of chocolate, a cookie and a few chips, and have not yet mastered the ability to “get real” (in Dr. Phil speak). The good news is that the house is quickly clearing of junk food, and after this coming Saturday’s hosting of another holiday get together here in which more crap will be served, we should be in the clear! Plus, we still have enough platters of candy, nuts and cookie type foods that we needn’t purchase anything else for this last “party”, and it is really just a late gift exchange/evening event rather than a full fledged, all out meal. This will allow us to pawn off the last of the goodies on our skinnier, unsuspecting guests. Ha Ha!

So, I am actually looking forward to a fresher start to the new year, as probably, are millions of others. I realized today that if I were to be shooting to weigh 130 lbs. which is the “goal” weight on charts for someone of my height, that I have exactly the same amount of weight to lose as I already have. And we all know that it only gets harder as the bariatric advantage wears off, weight drops more slowly, and one nears their goal. So by my calculations, I need like another year or two to get there, and more likely, will settle for a higher “bottom,” and right now, can only even hope to achieve this. In looking at wedding and reception photos from 2001 when I weighed 188 lbs., I was in a size 16 and thought I looked pretty good. I know that I felt great, moved great, and didn’t look excessively heavy. Right now, this sounds like a weight that I would love to be at, and I would be thrilled to be able to wear the jeans and other clothing items I have saved from that time. I used to wear Tom’s clothes, and he was down lower then too. There was actually a time when I weighed LESS than my husband - and this too, could be my goal for at least the short term! For now, he is at 201, so this would also fit nicely for my other goals of losing 100 lbs., reaching onederland, and nearing my marriage day weight.

So, here I am publically noting my goals for the new year, while sabotaging my efforts to achieve them! Aren’t I am mess of contrradictions!?

But, my hope is that if I say these to myself enough and continue to be honest here about my struggles, as well as to pick myself back up after faltering, that these needn’t just be pipe dreams and 2010 will be a year of accomplishments.

Are others thinking forward and developing short and long term hopes and plans? I would imagine so, and I’d certainly love to hear them here!